Saturday, September 04, 2004

Lemme Out 4:45:34 PM     |

Because God Says So I don't know how you spend your Saturday mornings, but I generally head right on over to The Marriage Bed to see what the latest, cutting-edge advice is for married Christians. What?  You don't? So I was skimming through all the Godly advice this morning before heading off to Ikea to seek Godly furniture, gathering up such pearls of wisdom as: How men treat their wives is singled out as a reason the Lord refuses to answer their prayers.  It's not what either of us wants, it's about what God wants.  Premarital sex causes guilt, resentment, and marital sexual problems for women. Men should avoid spending their time looking at scantily-clad members of the opposite sex. Guys have it easy. Their "equipment" is on the outside, driven by testosterone, and generally works without directions. Well, that last one is true.  It's been a long time since I've consulted the owner's manual.  But then again, I've always been the type to toss aside the directions and just figure out the thing myself.  That's why I can't program my VCR. Here's my favorite quote off the whole site: Clearly, the Lord created women to have frequent heterosexual relations.  Sporadic or irregular sex is actually detrimental to a woman's health, while regular intercourse has great benefits.  God's "rules" for sex create the perfect situation for keeping a woman's body strong and healthy. There you go ladies.  Get some.  Get it often.  Thy Lord's will be done. Now if a Christian woman is wanting to make her Christian husband and the Lord happy, but her husband lost his manual and can't remember how to get the motor running, there's a whole article devoted to how to turn on a guy the Christian way.   It's a great read on a Saturday morning, lemme tell ya.  Here's one of their ideas: Go to the bathroom, remove your panties, and hand them to him when you come out.  This works especially well in public. Umm, maybe it's because I'm not Christian, and maybe I don't understand what their Lord wants, and maybe, just maybe, since I've never had this happen to me I don't know what the upside is, but... I'm curious:  does this work the other way around?  Can I go in the restroom at the grocery store, walk out, and hand my tighty-whities to my wife? Speaking of religious things I don't understand, did you know that some Bible-thumpers think that if you spare the rod, you spoil the wife?  In other words, if the food at the table is a little cold, mommy has to bend over and get smacked by daddy in front of the kids. According to the article, the people who have this sort of family do it because: they believe it to be in obedience to God's Word. they see it as a part of God's plan for protection of women, and the exercise of authority over her. they see it as a way of motivating a woman to change/grow. it helps women to not seek control or inappropriate leadership, and teaches submission. it makes peace in the home, children will not see their parents fighting as the father has ultimate authority. it specifies limits of physical discipline, so that there will be no physical abuse. Personally, I think they do it because they are kinky freaks.  But again, I'm not a Christian, so I may be way off base here. So now I'm off to Ikea, and yes, I'm going to keep an eye on those women leaving the restroom.  See if they hand-off anything to their husbands.  Yep, I'm going to watch closely. But only if they're not scantily-clad. Related links: God Invented Sex Sex and the Supremacy of Christ God on Sex featuring Danny Akin 9:20:34 AM     |

© Copyright 2005 Alex L. Mauldin.