licentious radio

Thursday, March 7, 2002
[2:18:55 PM]

Washington, DC -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said at a press conference today: "The Pentagon does not lie to the American people," without rolling on the floor in uproarious laughter.

Pentagon spokesperson Donna Smith later said Rumsfield "practiced for several hours to say that with a straight face."

Smith said, however, that "the true heros of the press conference were the security guards. Imagine if they had howled with laughter during the press conference the way we did backstage afterward! Rummy's best line was 'Hey! I'm Ari Fleischer: The Whitehouse does not lie to the American people.' We were all laughing so hard I nearly wet my pants."

According to Smith, the guards' straight faces were in part the product of a cross-training program with England's Buckingham Palace guards -- known around the world for not responding to distractions.

President Bush praised the cross-training program as an example of international cooperation. "In these days of pearl, us good guys got to stick together. If those redcats can teach our boys to get through a press conference without even a smirf, I'm in favor of it," the president said. "With the Englits keeping people from laughing, and us bombing everything that moves, the Access of Evil's days are numberized."