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Sexy Magick

just a girl figuring out life ~ where magick happens

a kiss :-* upon the secret winds of Isis Wynn


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    Saturday, December 20, 2008

    what's the mania feel like? Like I can do anything, I get everything done, I can stay up for long periods of time, I can keep going like the energizer bunny, I don't need as much sleep, 4 hours is enough, I'm on top of everything, I remember to do everything for my clients, I want to go out and have fun. I want to spend money and buy myself cool things or change my hair color. And I have ideas, lots of ideas, things to build and make and I say yes to everything and everyone, too many projects going at once but I can handle it, because I'm this amazing person who can get it all done.

    what's the fog like? The fog is horrible, no motivation, feel sad and angry and overwhelmed with people, things, bills, sometimes it feels like you're a drone going through the motions and you don't want to leave your safety zone, your cocoon, your bed. You want to sleep all day and all night and 8 hours isn't enough, you just want to sleep and when you have your own business, its so much harder but you don't want to leave your safety zone but you have to push yourself to keep going and going. And mistakes, I don't know that I make mistakes, its just I can't remember exactly what I did to make something work or I wonder did I do that? why the hell did I do it that way? And having to tell clients you just got behind when you really just want to tell them the truth, you just can't get the energy to do anything, you just want to sleep. I wonder sometimes how many times telling my clients I have the flu is going to fly. And that's what it feels like, its like I have the flu, my body and brain just want to rest, I can't seem to get warm enough, I feel feverish and I am oh so tired and I don't feel sexy at all. (oh yea, can't wait to see what my PGE bill is, I was freezing the last week during the fog) But the one thing I do remember during a fog, is the people, I don't forget people, I just sometimes wish they weren't bugging me constantly.

    what happens after the fog? it like waking up from a deep coma and not remembering what you did the last couple of days, you don't remember putting the trash out, I'm not even sure I did it, I think someone probably put it out for me, you can't remember how the kitchen got so bad or why the clothes were piled up and never washed and you have this amazing energy to do stuff like clean up and finally going to get groceries and you're starving and you want to cook good food and make cookies and you finally have the energy to do it. And you finally feel warm. And happy, really happy except sometimes I still feel sad and happy but I think that's my mixed mode thingy going on, but for the most part, I'm happy and excited and feeling sexy again. And a normal sleep pattern seems good, you only need 8 hours and you wake up happy and ready to hit the day.

    what do the panic attacks feel like? I know that I probably overreact to situations but sometimes I feel so bullied and hurt that instead of letting it happen, I'm just walk away from the situation, I'm trying not to react, I'm trying to not have a panic attack again or at least not where you can see me. I want to hide when it happens because all I can think about is how bullied I feel and I start to cry and feel paniciky and I don't want you to see me like that, I don't want anyone to see me like that, I just want to be left alone.

    And me and the boy with shoes, our cycles are different, so we're always seem to making each other mad or upset or hurt..hey boy with the shoes, I get it now, not that will help much but I think its why you made me mad last night

    And yea, Mom its getting worse and I'm thinking about doing something about it, I just don't want drugs to fix it. I don't know if its because I'm getting older or what it is or maybe I've just finally acknowledge it and understand what has been going on with me lately.

    And the thing is, I don't see the fog or the mania coming, I've been trying to watch for it but it seems to be coming more often than not lately and I don't know if that's the stress or not causing it.

    Anyways, back to my ambition cooking and cleaning, food almost done.

    10:08:01 PM    comment [] trackback []

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