USING YOUR MONKEY
(A FILTHY LIE)
I had just gotten back from visiting grandma, and hadn’t even set my bags down when the phone rang…
Voice: Hi. This is Glenn.
Harv: Dude! I’ve been meaning to call. I LOVE contractorpeon.com, and…
Voice: White Glenn.
Harv: Die, Puppy Blender!
White Glenn: Relax, currency freak. I’m calling to surrender.
White Glenn: Suh-rend-der. I’m stepping down from my throne and handing the reigns of the blogosphere over to the Alliance.
Harv: Uh, gee… that’s nice and all, but why call me? I’m pretty far down on the ecospheric food chain. Why not surrender to Frank?
White Glenn: I tried, but he was out hunting monkeys.
Harv: Hmmm… how about Don? He’s pretty powerful. He just put a serious boot up your ass with that Den Bestian three-parter of his.
White Glenn: Aw, I couldn’t read his stuff anyway. I’m illiterate.
Harv: Illiterate? As in can’t read or write?
White Glenn: Not a word.
Harv: But you’re a lawyer!
White Glenn: Didn’t say I couldn’t bullshit.
Harv: Ah. Of course. So, how do you crank out all those blog entries?
White Glenn: An army of trained monkeys pounding away at computer keyboards, night and day. Why do you think I can only come up with crap like “Hmmm,” and “Indeed”?
Harv: Makes sense. But why surrender?
White Glenn: Which monkeys do you think Frank is out hunting?
Harv: I see. Ok, what are your terms?
White Glenn: Oh, unconditional. Alliance members split my hits and links equally, and my monkeys and I go back to lying.
White Glenn: Whatever.
Harv: What about the money?
White Glenn: The what?
Harv: The money. Frank promised the Alliance members bags and bags of money.
White Glenn: Get real. There’s no money in blogging. Well, except for Sullivan, but that’s just one of those nature-gone-horribly-wrong, four-legged-chicken kinda things. Anyway, I need my money. The Mazuri Monkey Crunch doesn’t buy itself, you know.
Harv: Your monkeys work for food?
White Glenn: Yeah. They're sorta like hobos that way, and…um… uh… oh no… can’t fight urge to… hammer… [WHACK!]… Heh. I lose more monkeys that way…
Harv: Indeed. But once you quit blogging, you won’t need monkeys anymore.
White Glenn: Like hell I won’t! Haven’t you read any Supreme Court decisions lately? “Racism is ok, except when it’s not, but I might change my mind in 25 years.” Bah! My monkeys can write better insane drivel than that, so they’re my meal ticket. Without my typing monkeys, I’m as useless as a union without mob connections.
Harv: Boo-hoo-hoo, law-talkin’ guy. Bags of money or BlogWar.
White Glenn: Well, uh, let’s see… [jingle, jingle] I’ve got some car wash tokens.
Harv: They got curvy bronze buttocks?
White Glenn: Actually, it’s a scantily clad octopus, but it does have curves.
Harv: Is this related to penguin porn?
White Glenn: Well, uh, actually, it's still just in the test-marketing phase, but…
Harv: ENOUGH! Wampum or warfare?
White Glenn: …uh...
White Glenn: Puppy shake?
Harv: See you in hell. [click]
So I’m sounding the alarm. Beware the Instamonster’s Fedayeen-like false surrenders and spread the word. White Glenn is an illiterate exploiter of hobo typing-monkeys.
Just one more reason:
Instapundo Delenda Est.
posted by Harvey at 6:06:27 PM permalink HOME