(A FILTHY LIE)
It never fails. I'd just settled in for a quiet evening of blogging when the phone rang...
Evil Glenn: Hey Harv. Sorry to interrupt your blogging, but I needed some advice.
Harv: Ah, that's ok, I... wait... how did you know I was blogging?
Evil Glenn: I was able to tap into your webcam when you opened the attachment on that "Hot Blogger Chicks In Thongs" e-mail I sent you.
Harv: What the...? I thought that was from Susie! You rotten... uh, I mean, I don't know what you're talking about.
Evil Glenn: Anyway, I've been thinking. Even with the powers granted to me by the Prince of Darkness, I'm not going to live forever. Yet I just can't STAND the thought of my Dark Blogging Empire ever fading away. I've decided to take steps to keep my Dominion young forever.
Harv: You've hired Cher's plastic surgeon?
Evil Glenn: Yes, but that's beside the point. I've decided to open a day-care center so that I can indoctrinate impressionable youth into my evil ways. With a little luck, I'll be able to find a Damien-like protégé to succeed me and keep the blogosphere oppressed in the event of my demise.
Harv: But you're already ensconced in the vilest pit of human evil known to man! Surely finding a demonic successor would be easy at a law school?
Evil Glenn: You'd think so, but the sad fact of the matter is that, by the time they get here, the students have already acquired a taste for human blood, and it's hard to get them into the puppy groove. Gotta start 'em young if you want a properly twisted mind. Just ask any tree-hugging public school teacher.
Harv: Good point. So what's the curriculum gonna be like at Evil Glenn's Puppy Blending Day Care Center and Hobo Murdering Emporium?
Evil Glenn: Actually, I'm calling it Happy Smiling Glenn's Super Duper Extra Fun Story Time & Sing Along Playground of Niceness.
Harv: You realize that name is 100% unadulterated bullshit, right?
Evil Glenn: Lawyer
Evil Glenn: I have to admit, you Alliance folk came up with a great idea on that song & story collection. It's what really inspired me on this project.
Harv: How so?
Evil Glenn: For example, children's stories have a lot of influence on young minds, so I'll be reading them books from my personal collection to get them on the right track.
Harv: Like what?
Evil Glenn: Mostly classic fairy tales, like "Sleeping Blender", "Blenderella", "Blenderstiltskin", "Goldilocks and the Three Blended Puppies", stuff like that.
Harv: That's horrible! You can't just take innocent children's stories and twist them to suit your own warped agenda!
Evil Glenn: Worked for Disney, didn't it?
Harv: That's not the point! It's just plain wrong! And besides, the kids will get bored with nothing but puppy stories.
Evil Glenn: Gotcha covered. I've already ordered copies of "Hobo & Gretel", "Little Red Hobo Killer", and "Snow White and the Seven Murdered Hobos".
Harv: You're despicable! I suppose you've got the Communism angle covered, too?
Evil Glenn: "The Wizard of Mao”
Harv: You disgust me. I’m hanging up.
Evil Glenn: Wait! You haven’t heard the songs yet! Check this out:
“I love puppies, yes I do.
Blend them into bloody goo!
Mix them up and drink them down,
Bestest yummy shake in town!
Puppies, puppies, blend them up!
Have a glass of pureed pup!
Tastes like chicken, ain’t that nice?
Serve them cold with lots of ice!”
Harv: You monster!
Evil Glenn: Oh, there’s more:
“Penguins, penguins, they’re so cute.
See them in their birthday suit.
Naked as the day they're hatched,
Sicko pervert itch is scratched.
I love penguin porn you see,
Prancing bare-assed just for me.
Penguins are so very nice.
Watch them mating on the ice.”
Harv: Feel dirty. Must shower now.
Evil Glenn: Suit yourself, but don’t forget to block the webcam first.
Harv: You filthy, revolting, vile, cold-blooded fiend!
Evil Glenn: Lawyer. [click]
Harv: DAMN you Glenn Reynolds!
It’s bad enough he’s inflicting his foulness on bloggers the world over, but now he’s planning on indoctrinating innocent youth into his Circus of Corruption. We must stop him NOW!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 9:52:28 PM permalink HOME