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"The frightening power of Harvey's filthy lies makes me tremble like a Frenchman. I frequently wet myself in terror and... Oops... damn." - Glenn Reynolds

"Tact is a stranger to you. I like that." - Chris Muir - Day By Day

"The man is a FREAK and a WEIRDO!" - Vigilance Matters

"The nicest thing about having Harvey around is that he makes the raincoat flashers look suave." - Rocket Jones

"...a very, very sick person." - She Who Will Be Obeyed

"pervert of renown extraordinare" - Practical Penumbra

"He's a really nice guy even if he is a little bit weird and creepy sometimes." - Reflections in d minor

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  Wednesday, October 01, 2003


DAY CARE

(A FILTHY LIE)

 

It never fails. I'd just settled in for a quiet evening of blogging when the phone rang...

 

Harv: Hello?

 

Evil Glenn: Hey Harv. Sorry to interrupt your blogging, but I needed some advice.

 

Harv: Ah, that's ok, I... wait... how did you know I was blogging?

 

Evil Glenn: I was able to tap into your webcam when you opened the attachment on that "Hot Blogger Chicks In Thongs" e-mail I sent you.

 

Harv: What the...? I thought that was from Susie! You rotten... uh, I mean, I don't know what you're talking about.

 

Evil Glenn: Anyway, I've been thinking. Even with the powers granted to me by the Prince of Darkness, I'm not going to live forever. Yet I just can't STAND the thought of my Dark Blogging Empire ever fading away. I've decided to take steps to keep my Dominion young forever.

 

Harv: You've hired Cher's plastic surgeon?

 

Evil Glenn: Yes, but that's beside the point. I've decided to open a day-care center so that I can indoctrinate impressionable youth into my evil ways. With a little luck, I'll be able to find a Damien-like protégé to succeed me and keep the blogosphere oppressed in the event of my demise.

 

Harv: But you're already ensconced in the vilest pit of human evil known to man! Surely finding a demonic successor would be easy at a law school?

 

Evil Glenn: You'd think so, but the sad fact of the matter is that, by the time they get here, the students have already acquired a taste for human blood, and it's hard to get them into the puppy groove. Gotta start 'em young if you want a properly twisted mind. Just ask any tree-hugging public school teacher.

 

Harv: Good point. So what's the curriculum gonna be like at Evil Glenn's Puppy Blending Day Care Center and Hobo Murdering Emporium?

 

Evil Glenn: Actually, I'm calling it Happy Smiling Glenn's Super Duper Extra Fun Story Time & Sing Along Playground of Niceness.

 

Harv: You realize that name is 100% unadulterated bullshit, right?

 

Evil Glenn: Lawyer

 

Harv: Touché

 

Evil Glenn: I have to admit, you Alliance folk came up with a great idea on that song & story collection. It's what really inspired me on this project.

 

Harv: How so?

 

Evil Glenn: For example, children's stories have a lot of influence on young minds, so I'll be reading them books from my personal collection to get them on the right track.

 

Harv: Like what?

 

Evil Glenn: Mostly classic fairy tales, like "Sleeping Blender", "Blenderella", "Blenderstiltskin", "Goldilocks and the Three Blended Puppies", stuff like that.

 

Harv: That's horrible! You can't just take innocent children's stories and twist them to suit your own warped agenda!

 

Evil Glenn: Worked for Disney, didn't it?

 

Harv: That's not the point! It's just plain wrong! And besides, the kids will get bored with nothing but puppy stories.

 

Evil Glenn: Gotcha covered. I've already ordered copies of "Hobo & Gretel", "Little Red Hobo Killer", and "Snow White and the Seven Murdered Hobos".

 

Harv: You're despicable! I suppose you've got the Communism angle covered, too?

 

Evil Glenn: "The Wizard of Mao”

 

Harv: You disgust me. I’m hanging up.

 

Evil Glenn: Wait! You haven’t heard the songs yet! Check this out:

 

“I love puppies, yes I do.

Blend them into bloody goo!

Mix them up and drink them down,

Bestest yummy shake in town!

 

Puppies, puppies, blend them up!

Have a glass of pureed pup!

Tastes like chicken, ain’t that nice?

Serve them cold with lots of ice!”

 

Harv: You monster!

 

Evil Glenn: Oh, there’s more:

 

Penguins, penguins, they’re so cute.

See them in their birthday suit.

Naked as the day they're hatched,

Sicko pervert itch is scratched.

 

I love penguin porn you see,

Prancing bare-assed just for me.

Penguins are so very nice.

Watch them mating on the ice.”

 

Harv: Feel dirty. Must shower now.

 

Evil Glenn: Suit yourself, but don’t forget to block the webcam first.

 

Harv: You filthy, revolting, vile, cold-blooded fiend!

 

Evil Glenn: Lawyer. [click]

 

Harv: DAMN you Glenn Reynolds!

 

 

It’s bad enough he’s inflicting his foulness on bloggers the world over, but now he’s planning on indoctrinating innocent youth into his Circus of Corruption. We must stop him NOW!

 

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

 


posted by Harvey at 9:52:28 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




HARVEY: GREEN-EYED MONSTER

Looks like I'll have to add Don to my ever-growing list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than".

Between yet another tale of his secret life outside of IT, and one of the best filthy lies about The Evil Glenn Reynolds that I've read in a long time, he makes me feel like Bob Newhart opening up for Robin Williams.

Excuse me while I go re-read some of Frank's humor tips. Maybe I can still salvage something before I wind up in the gutter or community theater.

 

 

 


posted by Harvey at 7:14:41 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



GOING TO A BETTER PLACE

The strongest woman in the blogosphere has moved off of Blogspot, as has the world's funniest Objectivist. My apologies for the delay in getting my blogroll updated.

By the way, Heather & Don, feel free to use those if you're looking for a good "what other people are saying about my blog" quote.

 


posted by Harvey at 7:03:30 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(introduction)

With each glance into your beautiful eyes, I fall in love over and over again.

 


posted by Harvey at 6:10:25 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



After some deliberation, "Oompa Loompa" decided to go with option 2.

 


posted by Harvey at 6:06:26 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



FREE STATE PROJECT CHOOSES NEW HAMPSHIRE

********

The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S., where they may work within the political system to reduce the size and scope of government. The success of the Free State Project would likely entail reductions in burdensome taxation and regulation, reforms in state and local law, an end to federal mandates, and a restoration of constitutional federalism, demonstrating the benefits of liberty to the rest of the nation and the world.

********

I've been keeping an eye on this project for the last couple years, and find myself intrigued by the possibilities. I currently have familial obligations that keep me rooted in cheese-cow-corn land, but should those binds become untied, I'm considering the possibilities...

 


posted by Harvey at 5:56:09 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



UPDATE TO "NO PROTECTION"

I found out that some of the permalinks to specific UCMJ articles in the "No Protection" post weren't working, so I got those fixed. Sorry about the confusion on those.

 


posted by Harvey at 5:35:06 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




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