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"The frightening power of Harvey's filthy lies makes me tremble like a Frenchman. I frequently wet myself in terror and... Oops... damn." - Glenn Reynolds

"Tact is a stranger to you. I like that." - Chris Muir - Day By Day

"The man is a FREAK and a WEIRDO!" - Vigilance Matters

"The nicest thing about having Harvey around is that he makes the raincoat flashers look suave." - Rocket Jones

"...a very, very sick person." - She Who Will Be Obeyed

"pervert of renown extraordinare" - Practical Penumbra

"He's a really nice guy even if he is a little bit weird and creepy sometimes." - Reflections in d minor

"Curmudgeonly Old Coot" - BigStick.US

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  Friday, October 17, 2003


TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I've been thinking how hungry my mind and body are for you... and it's time for food for my thoughts...

 


posted by Harvey at 10:57:20 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

From "Environmentalist Wackoism for Dummies" page 37:

"Conservatives and their cabal of Vast Right Wing Conspirators would like nothing better than to destroy every ecosystem on earth!!! Every newly extincted species just means more money for their oppressive corporate polluter hegemony!!! This picture is ABSOLUTE, UNDENIABLE PROOF that George W. Bush will not stop his junta of devastation until EVERY LAST TRACE OF GREEN is erased!!! SAVE THE GREEN!!! VOTE NADER NOW!!!"


 


posted by Harvey at 10:53:54 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



A CLUE FROM USS CLUELESS

This one just tickles me:

************

(On Screen via long range sensors): Oh, dear; it seems as if we've won the war but are losing the peace... in Europe, in 1946. Jessica's Well makes a magnificent discovery: an issue of Life Magazine published in January of 1946 which contains articles about how badly things are going in Europe in the aftermath of the war. This was about seven months after V-E day, and about five months after V-J day and the end of the war. That's just about where we are now relative to the end of major combat operations in Iraq, and the article sounds uncannily like much of the negative reporting we're seeing now from Iraq. One could take that article and replace "European" with "Iraqi" and "Nazi" with "Baathist" and "Hitler" with "Saddam" and it would sound like it had come out of the NYTimes in the last week.

************

There's still a little more to read, so go ahead.

Oh, and for those of you familiar with the term "Den Bestian", I should add that I mean "little" literally. The rest of it is only about as long as the part I posted.

 


posted by Harvey at 10:39:25 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



PSYCH OUT 101

One of my old high school chess club buddies (currently blogless, and without a preferred nickname, although he may certainly leave one in the comments) is now a Psychology professor at a small mid-western college. He informed me that he recently gave a test in one of his classes:

************

I gave a test to a couple sections of PSYC 101 General Psychology today. I always like to have some fun with the wrong answers on my multiple choice tests, and on this one I listed "c) Appomattox cortex" as one of the options for a question about where long term memories were stored. I actually got 5 students (7%) to choose it. Probably sounded kinda familiar...

************

Maybe we should just call him "Doc Evil".

 


posted by Harvey at 10:32:04 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



FACING THE BULLY

As I was breezing through this week's Carnival of the Vanities, I came across this story from.Mike Finley about how he finally confronted his tormentor during his 15th high school reunion.

Now, I was quite the geek in high school, but for the most part people were kind enough to make fun of me behind my back, out of earshot. I did get some minor bullying thrown my way, but there were plenty of weaker dogs to kick, so I was spared the worst of it. Nevertheless, I can relate to the misery & humiliation that getting bullied engenders.

As I read this piece, things were going along normally enough, and I was expecting that it would soon conclude with a crescendo of sweet revenge.

Then the story stepped off a cliff and plunged into the Twilight Zone. I would NEVER have seen this one coming.

It's probably about a 10 minute read, but well worth the time. It'll shake you up a bit. Go see what I mean.

 


posted by Harvey at 10:24:03 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



A FRANK INTERVIEW

Deep Cover Agent, Codename: Jen has posted an interview with Frank J. of IMAO. Heather's next.

Also, questions are currently being accepted for Daniel of DFMoore.

Who, apparently, has replaced me on Susie's cybercrush list. *sniff*

 


posted by Harvey at 10:05:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



MADFISH WILLIE'S DESIGNATED DRIVER PROGRAM

So I was sittin' in the corner of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, (as I do most nights in order to fulfill my duties as a member of the Corner of the Bar Gang), gettin' sailorifically drunk, when it occurred to me that I had no idea how I was getting home. Heck, I could barely even remember how I'd gotten there in the first place. And I was way too scared to call my wife, since I'm pretty sure Willie's is somewhere in Texas, and I knew the Mrs. wouldn't be pleased havin' to come 1200 miles to pick me up.

I voiced my concern to the Bartender, who calmed my fears...

Bartender: Relax, Harv. See that map over there?

Harv: Over where?

Bartender: On the side of the blog.

Harv: Looks like it's on the bottom to me.

Bartender: Geez your browser sucks. Well, wherever it's showing up, it's that thing that says "View Guest Map" under the Chief Wiggles Toys button.

Harv: Where's that?

Bartender: Under the Front Line Voices button.

Harv: Uh huh... and I would find that...?

Bartender: Under the Alliance logo.

Harv: Birdie!

Bartender: Yes, my saucified friend, it's a birdie. Now, remember when I had you click on the map and put in all that information when you first came in?

Harv: Um... no, not really. Let me go check Matt's arm.

Bartender: Nevermind that. Just look at the map. See that little guy standing in Wisconsin? That's where you live.

Harv: Hey, he looks just like Michael Gross, the father from Family Ties.

Bartender: You know, I'll bet you hear that a lot. Just usually not from yourself.

Harv: Handsome devil.

Bartender: Look, Harv, if I roll my eyes one more time I'm gonna sprain my sclera. Now just listen. Susie's pretty sober, and she can give you a ride home.

Harv: But she lives in Indiana. Why don't I catch a ride back with Matt? He lives in... uh... that one state... with those ursine-related sports teams...

Bartender: First [SLAP!] That's for being stupid enough to even THINK about passing up a chance to spend quality time with the sweetest woman in the blogosphere. Second, Matt's still in the corner mumbling "95 years" over & over again. If he were any drunker, I'd have to cut him off... to 5 beers at once.

Harv: Ok. You win. Susie, can you take me home?

Susie: Sure, sweetie. Follow me.

Harv: Susie?

Susie: Yes, Harv?

Harv: Has anyone ever told you that you've got a really nice rack?

Susie: [SLAP!]

Harv: I'll take that as a "yes". Mmmmm... discipline.

 

The trip home was a blur, but when I woke up on my lawn this morning I was ok. Except, of course, for a miserable hangover... and the fact that I was wearing nothing but a No Tree Huggers Logo Thong that I had gotten from... somewhere.

Oh, and those odd little whip marks across my ass.

 


posted by Harvey at 9:47:19 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



COMMENT SPAM UPDATE

Thanks to The Bartender for pointing me to this piece from Evil Pundit of Doom on how to crush comment spam. It's still not a problem I have (my problem is getting comments in the first place), but I mention this for those who might find it useful.

 


posted by Harvey at 8:33:29 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



STEPHEN KING, START SWEATING

Many years ago (probably about 23 of them), Blogless Brother Tom handed me this book called "The Stand" by some guy named Stephen King. Always an avid reader, but not really trusting my brother's taste in literature, I decided to give it a try. After a page and a half, I was pretty well bored. Gas station... Texas... *yawn*. Then the car hit the pumps and I was hooked. I averaged over 100 pages a day until I finished it.

Since then I've read pretty much everything King has written, and thoroughly enjoyed at least 90% of it. I like his novels better, but most of his short stories are pretty darn good, too. They have a certain sharp, creepy texture to them that's habit forming.

J, over at Quibbles & Bits has an intriguing vignette that reminds me of something that might have appeared in Night Shift. It's a bit short to excerpt, and, since it twists in the middle, a taste wouldn't do much good anyway. Just go over to his place & check it out.

 


posted by Harvey at 8:28:52 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



MARGARET CHO: ASSHAT-ESS

I don't follow Margaret Cho's adventures. Apparently she's a comedienne of some sort. I seem to recall her being more or less amusing on some Comedy Central stand-up thingy when I saw her many years ago.

Looks like she's actually just another Hollywood dipstick who could use a nice hot cup of shut the f*** up, as indicated by her opinion of Christopher Columbus:

**********

I have been to that island [Where Columbus landed], and will never return, because there is not a moment where I don't feel the pain and the madness, because the ground is soaked with blood, the air is angry and whips around me like a howling ghost, the rain comes down hard to wash the memory of the dead away, but they cannot leave, because the original owners of the property have yet to receive payment even after the FINAL NOTICE remains long overdue. They rage at me, for they can see I know better, that I know to not go there, not to walk over the silver coins scattered on the ground, the Monopoly money left by the crew of the Chris and the Round World Posse, an injurious insult to the body count that can never be tallied because it is too high. Margaret Cho BLOG

**********

God she's stupid.

And I'm at a loss for words to describe it.

Fortunately, American Digest has the long version, which reads, in part:

***********
Whew! A normal person might assume that Ms. Cho is diving into the Betty Ford before signing a five year contract with Hollywood Squares. But we see it differently.

It is clear to us that Ms. Cho is channeling the late William Burroughs.

Burroughs perfected the writing technique of cutting up newspapers, pasting the strips back in random order, and recording what these prophecies of our modern era told him.

Ms. Cho has taken Burroughs’ technique one step further by eliminating the newspaper and just cutting her mind into strips, hitting the randomize button on her history filter, and spewing the result directly into the web. A brilliant innovation sure to be copied by many in the very near future.

***********

Go read the rest. I especially liked his Dennis Miller reference.


 

 


posted by Harvey at 8:13:30 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



SOME HELP ON THE PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT

In the comments to SilverBlue's delightful answer to the PGH Assignment question:

What award would you give Michael Moore?

Fritz, of On The Fritz, makes a generous offer of his Photoshopping skills:

***************

I made a Michael Moore bobblehead that I'm quite proud of:

http://www.fritzliess.com/movabletype/archives/000089.html

People keep sending me e-mail messages asking where they can buy one.

If people come up with some good awards, let me know. I'll whip up some statuettes and plaques in Photoshop -- I'm imagining a "crystal insertable" of some sort. Perhaps a solid brass asshat?

***************

If you think this might help you complete your assignment, or even just add that special finishing touch, drop him a line.


posted by Harvey at 7:58:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



A BREACH OF NETIQUETTE

I'm not an expert on the rights & wrongs of blogging, but I've picked up a few things here & there. Like:

When possible, link to the post & not to the blog.

Give a link to the person who pointed you to something cool.

Stay on topic in other bloggers' comments, and, if you MUST post off-topic, offer an apology and/or explanation.

Don't be a troll. If you don't like something, hit the back button.

If you link to a Blogspotter, mention a posting date & CTRL+F keyword so others can find the post if permalinks are blogspotted.

There's another issue that comes up from time to time: bandwidth theft. Stephen Den Beste has posted on this topic, and it's something that pisses him off. Being geek-impaired, I didn't really understand why.

Enter Lynn, who, though claiming to be somewhat geek-impaired herself, offers an excellent primer on the topic. What bandwidth theft is, why it's bad, and how not to do it. I'll give you the "not doing it section":

**************

So what should you do if you see a picture you want to use? Well, first of all you should ask permission unless it's one of those sites that specifically offer "free graphics." Then, with permission, point to the image and right-click, select "Save Picture As..." from the pop-up menu. The usual dialog box will appear allowing you to save the picture to your hard drive. Be sure to remember the filename and which folder you put it in so you will be able to find it again. Next, upload the image to your server just as you would any other file. The specific instructions will differ depending on what upload utility you're using.

**************

I recommend reading the whole thing.

Now, I must confess, there have been times that I've stolen pictures. In my defense, I do place the copy that I use on my own server, and I also give a crediting link to the source, with an apology for its use in an unintended context. Not strictly Emily Post, but I've yet to hear the dreaded words, "take it down!". And if I did, I would.

 


posted by Harvey at 7:47:45 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



ECCE BLENDARIUM CANIS

Behold the Puppy Blender.

Heh. Indeed.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

 


posted by Harvey at 7:19:45 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



CAN'T KEEP MY TEXAN STRAIGHT

While I was at Madfish Willie's havin' a couple dozen of the usual, I overheard some odd phrases being mentioned:

*********

  • The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
  • As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
  • Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
  • Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
  • We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
  • He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
  • She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
  • It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
  • *********

    Must've been somebody from Texas. I think it was Jed. Might've been Lynn. Could've been W for all I know. I was REALLY drunk at the time.

     


    posted by Harvey at 7:41:04 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



    LIES ALL OVER THE PLACE

    Fortunately, they can all be found at HQ:

    Scary white socks.

    Innocent college girls gone astray

    What was in that dumpster?

    Who's that huggin' the pole at the "gentleman's club"?

    Oddly enough, none of them are mine. 4 new lies in 3 new entries in just 2 days. At this rate, the world wide web will consist entirely of filthy lies about the evil & despicable Glenn Reynolds within 5 years.

    Heh. Indeed.

    Instapundo Delenda Est!


    posted by Harvey at 7:17:33 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



    A TIP FROM THE BARTENDER

    Got this from Madfish Willie's:

    ***********

    Things A Man Should Know: About Women:

      Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. It means having to say you're sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don't want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully die.

    ***********

    Now excuse me while I go apologize to my wife for finding that funny.

     


    posted by Harvey at 6:56:19 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




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