ASK ME, BUT MAKE IT QUICK

You can still submit questions to Jen for my shocking and revealing interview until midnight Monday.

You did submit a question already, didn't you?

Geez, do I have to do everything myself? Look, here's a nice supply of questions for you. Pick one. Submit it.

Oh crap! That link goes to where?

I'm so gonna regret this.

Hey, look,...uh... just ignore everything after the word "Monday", ok?

CLEAVAGE CAM

Until Susie starts putting out the 42-point Arial pics again, I'll have to content myself with the visuals on the sidebar here.

God, I'm so shallow.

*shrug*

[space][space][space]...

ONE MORE VOTE IN THE SHOWCASE

There was a late entry in the New Blog Showcase. Appropos of Something, with "So not funny, it's funny. Or not." I'm giving him a vote for 2 reasons.

First, in the comments, someone points out that the Family Circus has changed over the years. The dad used to be a fat, abusive, alcoholic slob back in the 60's.

Second, Jess points out that Marmaduke is a remarkably un-funny comic. Which reminds me of a personal observation I've made before, although not on this blog. Take damn near any single-panel Marmaduke comic and re-caption it to read: "Holy shit! That's a big f***ing dog!". 

Almost every time, it's at least as funny as the original caption, and probably more so. Don't believe me? Try it yourself. 

With the daily (not Sunday) Garfield, the line: "Garfield, you are a fat, annoying piece of shit and I hate you." seems to be insertable at some point in almost every comic, and generally tends to improve the work in question.

BEST. SHOWCASE. VOTE. EVER.

Tuning Spork of Blather Review is so enthused about voting in the New Blog Showcase that he wrote a little song.

Hmmm... the tune is familiar, but those aren't the lyrics I remember.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A FRENCH CRIMINAL?

If you're a French cop, you shrug and let him go. Or so the Emperor informs me.

If you're me, though, you beat the worthless sack of shit to within an inch of his useless life and then spit in the empty eye-socket that you just gouged clean.

Or just feed him to my horse-dog, Jake. Whichever.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A HOUSE FULL OF CATS?

Dress 'em up funny and post their pictures with captions to create a story. It reminds me of one of my Filthy Lies, except these are completely un-Glenn-related, and they're actually funny.

Don't take my word for it. Take Trey Given's word for it. Or just go see for your own damn self. Here's Episode 1.

I'M JUST THINKING...

... of putting this sticker on every damn machine at work. Thanks, American Digest!

I'M NOT PREGNANT, I'VE JUST ALWAYS LIKED PEANUT BUTTER ON MY TUNA...

...with chocolate sauce & pickles, please. YUM! But enough about me. As you've probably heard, America's #1 pin-up girl will soon be America's #1 diaper-changing girl for the third time.

Now, being uterinely challenged, myself, I don't know squat about pregnancy. Well, maybe a little theory about how to get the ball rolling, but that's it. Anyway, I guess there are a lot of bothersome downsides to the whole gestation-period thingy. But according to Dana, there are some upsides to the process, too. At least during the winter:

************

Top Ten Advantages to Being Pregnant in Winter

10. Never having to shovel the walk.
9. Built-in heater!
8. Bulky sweaters help cover a bulky you.
7. You have a ready excuse to avoid any office parties or other holiday festivities that you know will bore you to tears. "Sorry, but we have our childbirth class that night. I'd really hate to fail THAT test!"
6. People will often take pity on your big, swollen, pathetic self and carry things for you.

************
You can find the rest at Note-It Posts.

I'M A SUCKER...

...For poetry that I have to think about as I read it in order to discover its subtle nuances. I found out via the Bartender that Heather wasn't just flipping through the dictionary at random to get her blog name. There's actually a mighty fine poem at the root of it. Here's a taste to make you want to go to Angelweave to finish it.

************

Angelweave

at nine o'clock the kilgore pub
holds its ritual service for the
evening flock. and one by one
we pile inside, form phalanxes
of thirsty souls who relinquish luck's
change barely spared from charon,
the landlord, and ex-wives. and
greedy eyes radarscope for fresher faces
and plead their novice rhetoric
to bartending juries.

and i thought i saw you watching me watch
you on the night when toothless harry made
snow angels on the window glass so
passersby might stop to chat. but all
they did was point and laugh and
inside we prayed to vodkagod and proffered
thanks for ice cubes and homes and
practiced restraint of wayward arms of
inner truth.

************

DRINKING & VOTING? BEATS DRINKING AND DRIVING, I GUESS

The Bartender has a poll up at Willie's where you can vote for your favorite Ultimate Blogger Drink Recipe. Whatever you do, don't vote for my entry. That horrid thing is completely unpalatable and is only good as paint remover. Of course, if you want to give me a sympathy vote or two (once-a-day Chicago-style voting rules in effect), that'd be ok. I mean, don't I get style points for my excellent presentation?

Yeah, I know. The only reason it made the top ten is that I keep stuffing the Bartender's tip jar. Well, if you can't bribe your bartender, then who the hell can you bribe?

... whose last name isn't Kennedy, I mean.

WHERE DID I FIND THIS?

Stupid Alzheimer's! Can't remember where I stumbled onto this site. I think she dropped by my comments, but I'm not positive. Anyway, I peeped around and found this amusing. Especially since Blogless Brother Roy, the Retired Navy Lifer, spent many years living in the South at various duty stations, and is now living in Florida. Jed & Lynn should enjoy this, too.

*************

What's Your "Southern" Sign

I've been reading several southern bloggers (Acidman, The Dax Files, sugarmama) - don't know if they'd appreciate this, but I got it from a friend in Tucson.

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20):

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19):

Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20):

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20):

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

*************

Of course there's more. Why do you even have to ask?

She's at Diaryland, so there's not squat for permalinks, but Oct 2, CTRL+F "southern". Of course, in a few days, it's going to roll into the October Archives, which don't exist yet, but there'll be a link on the sidebar.

Also check out "Cheeto queen" Oct 16, CTRL+F "cheeto". It might remind you of someone you know at your own work place.

HALLOWEEN

(A FILTHY LIE)

I was trying to figure out what Evil Glenn might be doing for Halloween, but apparently my comedic muse was at Madfish Willie's knocking back a few cold ones, because I just couldn't think of anything. As I was staring helplessly at a blank computer screen, the phone rang...

Evil Glenn: Hey currency freak, how's it going? *sip* [BELCH!] Excuse me! Poodles give me gas.

Harv: You sick bastard! Why don't you just leave me alone? I'm trying to blog here.

Evil Glenn: Indeed. Well, I just called to mock you and Frank J's feeble Alliance. I heard the League of Multiple Voters is going to kick your ass in the New Blog Showcase voting this week, and I just wanted to be the first to tell you how pathetic you guys are.

Harv: Yeah, well... uh... we've got... uh... a plan to... uh... fix that.

Evil Glenn: Oh? Do tell.

Harv: Well, it's kind of a rough draft at this point, but we were going to have them all dress as hobos & tell them you were having a costume party. I thought maybe you could lend us a hammer... a hand with that?

Evil Glenn: Well, the old Craftsman could use a workout... let me think about that one. Meanwhile, let me taunt you with my Halloween plans. Guess what my costume will be.

Harv: A puppy?

Evil Glenn: No, I might get blended by one of my minions. Too dangerous.

Harv: A hobo?

Evil Glenn: Similar problem, except without the blender.

Harv: Satan?

Evil Glenn: No, too inhumanly evil to appear in public. I'd likely be torn apart by an angry mob of decent God-fearing people.

Harv: A lawyer?

Evil Glenn: Ditto.

Harv: A penguin?

Evil Glenn: No. I'd be too aroused by the sight of myself to get any blogging done. I can't type one-handed.

Harv: A kangaroo?

Evil Glenn: Hey, that's a good idea! Plus, I might be able to get a little hot ewe action on the side as a bonus. But that's not what I was planning.

Harv: Naked Helen Thomas?

Evil Glenn: [YAAAARK!] EWWWW! What a horrid thought!... Hey, did you know poodles tastes just as good on the way up?

Harv: I really didn't need to hear that. How about Mao Tse Tung?

Evil Glenn: No, I don't want to get mistaken for a Democratic presidential  candidate.

Harv: Oh the hell with it! I give up! What's your costume gonna be?

Evil Glenn: No, come on, guess.

Harv: Up yours, Blender Boy. I don't have time for your stupid games. Just tell me.

Evil Glenn: Well, I was going to tell you, but since you're being such a prick, you'll just have to wait until Friday. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Indeed!

[click]

Harv: Filthy scum-sucking bottom feeder.

So, I still don't know what Evil White Glenn's Halloween costume is going to be, but I did receive an e-mail shortly afterwards:

Harv,

Lawyer.

Glenn

And it had this picture attached.

But I'm not sure if it means anything.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

LESSONS FROM TED

(per the Alliance HQ Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Sure, Ted Kennedy is a bloated turd swimming around the cesspool that is the Democratic portion of the US Senate, but he's also a great man. "Great" in the sense of being horrendously large and flabby. Specifically, his misshapen gargoyle-like head.

Nevertheless, I have learned something from his life, like the fact that there are exceptions to every rule. Here are some rules Ted proves by having them not apply to him:

Drunken Irishmen make great friends and are patriotic citizens.

Having affairs will make you the Democratic presidential nominee of choice

Being related to the Governor of California, even if only by marriage, gives you a certain aura of coolness.

Breaking the law repeatedly will land you in jail.

The electorate in your state will not forgive negligent homicide.

A US Senator's ass should not be too wide to fit in his seat.

Lying about the President will get you ClueBatted by patriotic bloggers.

No, wait... forget that last one. There's no exception to that.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

IF I HAD TO DIE...

... at the hands of murdering Islamofascist scum, I'd hope that I could say something stirring and quotable before the final curtain came crashing down. Something like, "I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country." Or, if I have more time, something like what the Emperor laid down recently:

************

Well, you incredibly stupid little sand monkeys with a hard-on for little boys and pigs' assholes, let me spell it out for you in a way that might, conceivably, make it through the wall of massive ignorance that you've built around that rotting hoagie of porcine fecal matter that resides between your hairy ears, the part of you Assrumps for Allah that normal people refer to as /DEV/NULL:

Bring. It. On.

You and yours are DEAD, it's just a matter of time, and I pray that I'll be the one to look into the beady little eyes of the last one of you as he cowers on the ground, licking the soles of my boots, just before I squeeze off the last round in the war against Islamofascism and ventilate his useless pointed skull, sending him and his medieval ways off to the dustbin of history, covered in the fat of pigs.

And say "hi" to your Moon God from me. He'll be next, the impotent little son-of-a-syphilitic-sow.

You think he's going to help you?

You see, there's one thing that you snotnosed sand nits have utterly failed to learn. Your hero, that son of a diseased dog Osama bin Cave-Liner, didn't understand it either, because if he HAD, then he'd have never even THOUGHT about attacking us. What you don't understand is this:

When you strike us, we don't cower and run away. You may get a few of us, you may even get a LOT of us, but for every one of us you DO get, there'll be a thousand extremely pissed off Americans that will know neither rest nor peace until every last one of the camel felchers responsible has been put in the ground. Heard of Pearl Harbor?

Two words: Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

************
Read the rest, and memorize it, just in case the need ever arises.

YES, I SAID "BLOG", NOT "BLOB"

Sadly, most people do not yet know what a blog is. Someday, after enough things happen, that will change. Via Wizbang, I found a list of the important milestones along that path at BuzzMachine:

***********

: When they make Page One of the New York Times. Check.
: When a character on a sitcom has one. Waiting.
: When somebody on a reality show has one. Surely.
: When a criminal on Law & Order confesses on one. Naw.
: When a pulp fiction criminal confesses on one. Surely.
: When a country singer sings about one. Inevitable.
: When The Daily Show mentions blogs. Check.

***********
And yes, there's more. Go read them and maybe suggest a few of your own.

Oh, and stop by the Wizbang link to get Kevin's suggestion.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The four most important words in any marriage... "I'll do the dishes."

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



I was ever so grateful to Susie for all her hard work at Alliance HQ, and for her endless supply of linky-love. So I decided to give her a lucky $2 bill... which is the only 6.25-inch gift I can give her without ruining my marriage.