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Monday, October 27, 2003
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MADFISH TV
So, it looks like someone over at the Madfish Broadcasting Company (possibly the Bartender himself) has had one too many Moneytov Cashtails. Although I have to admit the programming does sound entertaining:
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Airing Sunday on your Brain Implant TV at Midnight:
Random Madfish pisode 0006811505.
Stay tuned for Random Madfish. With yet another formulaic cheeseball space based thriller. Today's episode. Lord Spatula I joins a cult when an expendable bit player has crazy ideas about modified human body parts.
Later on, Straight White Guy goes to the Continuum to beat the snot out of an old enemy. Linda K feels strangely invincible when The Borg Queen eats Serenity at a weird little vacation planet. Meanwhile, Jem'Hadar killers escape from Borg space, causing angst and loathing for Harvey and Rocket Jones.
See guts and brains on the walls when a subspace communications facility is attacked by doped up gangsters in a living alien machine. Blackfive phasers the violent cretins into withdrawl through sheer luck and brinksmanship, saving a struggling NCC 1701 from bad hibbidy-jibbidy and vampires.
Finally, after several aesthetically deafening ads for moldy oldie CD collections, disposable diapers and personal trainers, Harvey and Rocket Jones stand around the remote viewscreen and look at a FINE bimbo's sleeping quarters, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for Insomniac Cannibal Theater.
After the show, the crew goes to the Champagne Room for sizzlin' hog jowls and a little leather. Everyone is insured for millions and the boundless void is a great place.
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If you want to borrow his programming director, stop by Willie's & find a way to write your own "must-see TV".
posted by Harvey at 11:34:00 PM permalink HOME
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STUPID HIPPIES
You may have heard that there were some anti-something protests in DC over the weekend. As usual with these incoherant butt-nuggets, I'm not sure what exactly the "something" was. I'm pretty sure it was damned annoying, though. Via Susie, I found out that America's second most beligerant bunny (#1 being Bun-Bun) has the scoop on the rally, complete with pictures and commentary. Much better than any 20-second sound-bite laden crap you might've gotten off the tube-news. It's a must-see.
So go see.
posted by Harvey at 11:16:42 PM permalink HOME
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NO, REALLY. THEY STINK
Yeah, I make fun of the French on a regular basis. Smelly, rude, cheese-eating-surrender-monkeys, etc. Trouble is, I've never actually met a Frenchman. Well, one. But his main problem was just the hair growing out of his nose. No, I don't mean the nostrils, I mean the tip of his freaking nose! God, that was nasty! And I don't even want to talk about his bushy ears. Like he hacked 'em off a Hobbit & glued 'em to his head or something.
*shudder*
Anyway, I'm grateful to Matt O'Blackfive for offering some hard evidence that the phrase "filthy as a Frenchman" is not just a Homer-esque cliche. The smell truly is overpowering:
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A breeze blew across this froggy formation and brought the unfiltered funk of 30 French soldiers fresh from a long bus trip straight to my nostrils.
My eyes teared up, my throat burned, and I slightly wretched for a moment as I reflexively turned my head away and down. Man, those guys were f--king vile.... total, all-encompassing BO so profound I gagged. A little piece of me died that day.
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The nose knows. Grab a gas mask & go read the whole story.
posted by Harvey at 11:06:58 PM permalink HOME
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GOIN' DOWN TO FRANK'S WORLD, GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME
This little excerpt should be enough to get you over there.
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White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan came walking by. "What makes someone a crazy loon like Kim Jong Il," Bush asked him.
"Well, when someone is a dictator, they often become mad with power."
"That a great idea!" Bush exclaimed, "I should become mad with power!"
"That wasn’t what I..."
"With all this presidential power, think of the havoc I can cause," Bush said, reveling the thought, "Quick, Scott, what's something you've always wanted."
Scott thought for a moment. "A job where I'm respected by my boss."
"That's the gayest thing I ever heard, Tubby," Bush laughed, "I guess I'll have to think of my own thing to do with my unlimited power!"
Bush looked out the window. "Have those protestors outside the front gates killed!"
"Those are well-wishers," Scott answered.
"Then have them thanked," Bush said as he stared at them evilly, "Muh ha ha ha!"
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Of course, I'm probably wasting my time posting this. I mean, does anybody actually read my blog regularly and NOT also hit IMAO on a daily basis?
Speak up so I can go mad with power. MUAHAHAHAHA!
Or stay silent so I can go mad with humiliation: boo-hoo-hoo!
posted by Harvey at 10:55:55 PM permalink HOME
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AIR FORCE = CUSHY
In this week's New Blog Showcase, there's an entry that points out how relatively easy Air Force folk have it compared to the other branches of the armed services. No surprise there. I've known that for years. But then the moron goes on to claim that this is tatamount to discrimination. As in "just as bad as the racial segregation of the 50's" discrimination. Jed administers liberal doses of ClueBattage to explain both why the Air Force actually *does* have it a little easier, and why that's not a problem.
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Anyone familiar with the military knows the Air Force always has the best amenities on their bases. But why should it extend into a war zone? The Air Force’s argument is that they only have 5000 troops in Iraq compared to the Army’s 130,000. The smaller size of their units allows them to provide a better “quality-of- life.” (Which brings up an interesting question: why does a service that comprises 22% of the military have only .001% of its units in Iraq during a war?)
Such arguments have the ring of segregation era reasoning rather than rational justifications. Are Air Force personnel more valuable than soldiers or Marines?
The Air Force always has better amenities because the Air Force places a higher emphasis on stardard-of-living issues, both at home and deployed. It's a vicious cycle in that the troops get used to the amenities, and then the Air Force must provide them everywhere they go or morale will suffer.
The Air Force also has the benefit of having to deploy far fewer troops. Though the Air Force comprises 22% of the armed forces, the Air Force doesn't need to deploy anywhere near the number of troops that the Army of Marines do to accomplish its basic mission. It's the very nature of a service in which probably 95+% of the servicemembers are in a support role. Plus, it's Iraq. There's not a huge need for a combat air force.
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Me, personally, I say that if you have to join the service (say, to avoid being drafted), go with the Navy, and get on an aircraft carrier. Why? Let's just say that out of 568 days at sea, I only saw one occasion where a food tray slid off the table due to rough seas. Not only that, but you're guaranteed 3 hots & a cot, no matter what. No sleeping in a fox hole for you. Sure, you don't have all the shore duty that Air Force folk get, but then those fly boys ain't gonna have nearly as much, uh, "international relations", either.
posted by Harvey at 10:48:57 PM permalink HOME
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THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING
Stephen King that is. Hell, if he were running for the office, I'd vote for him. He's a damn fine tale-spinner. And now he's answered Jen's interview questions. My favorite?
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Tell the truth, you really liked the Howard Dean thong, didn't you? And where can I get one?
I like thongs in general (I am a guy, after all), but consider this scenario –
You’ve gone to dinner, the movie, and finally, you’ve got her back to your place. A little kissing, a little touching, things are getting warmer and warmer, and you’re feeling lucky. She’s let you unbutton her blouse and her bra is a forgotten remnant hanging loosely by its straps. You place your hand on her knee, nudging her back on the couch with firm kisses. She moans lightly as you kiss her neck and cautiously slide your hand up her thigh. Her legs part, just a little, and you slide a little higher. You can feel her heat against your palm as you lightly touch her mound. You gently slip her knees apart and kiss your way down, unzipping her skirt and sliding it down. You kiss past the breasts, to the navel, across the sexy tummy. She lifts her hips to let you slip the skirt to the floor. You slide your hands around and feel her firm, bare buttocks – you can do that, she’s wearing a thong, you’ve discovered. You move a little lower and nuzzle her thighs. You open your eyes and look up to see the magnificent view offered from between her luscious legs and see “HOWARD DEAN FOR PRESIDENT!”
It’s enough to make Rob Smith’s Robotic Penis go soft.
Ask Howard Dean for one, if you want one. Preferably at a Press Conference.
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The *only* bad part about this interview is that I have to follow it... [insert heavy Krusty the Clown sigh here]
posted by Harvey at 10:35:58 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Love you... It's funny how two words can take up so little space on a piece of paper, but fill up ALL of the space in my heart.
posted by Harvey at 9:00:52 PM permalink HOME
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