FRENCH-MAN VS THE PROTESTERS
I was out at Madfish Willie's the other night, just kinda helping the Bartender break in the glasses at his shiny new blog, when I heard a pitious wail for help coming from Susie's place, caused by her discovery that the anti-war barking moon-bats were holding a rally on the Mall in DC:
"I wish there were some way to provide these folks with a Clue"
HARK! A damsel in distress! No time to lose! I must save her!
I quickly transformed into my alter ego, FRENCH-MAN! The world's most cowardly and annoying superhero!
Donning my trademark filthy beret and cheese-stained striped shirt, I jumped into the Frogmobile and sped off to where the protests were being held in Washington DC...
French-man: Hi there, fellow terrorist-coddling idiot. What are you doing?
Idiot: I'm protesting the ficticious Nazi president's illegal unilateral war against innoncent freedom-fighting murderers.
French-man: A most noble cause. Allow me to assist you in... AAAAHHHHH! A squirrel! I surrender!
Idiot: Dude, it's just a squirrel. Chill.
French-man: Please don't make me stand up to this tiny mammal! I'm terrified of rodents! Especially badly-moustached dictator-shaped ones. Please protect me!
Idiot: Uh,... sure. Look, here's a "Bush = Hitler" sign. Why don't you just carry this and shout some senseless anti-war slogans?
French-man: Excellent idea! How about, "Bush bad! Murder good! Oppress Iraqis like you should?"
Idiot: What? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and... wait a minute! You're just reading that off of MY protest sign... But that would mean that I'm being stupid and... and now that I think about it, this WHOLE PROTEST is stupid! [sudden clue infusion]... What the hell am I doing here? I'm living in the greatest, freest nation in the world, and here I am wasting my time supporting commies & terrorists? That does it! I'm going back to my college campus, where I'm going to start actually attending my classes and developing useful skills that will advance me in a productive career. Philosophy major? What the hell was I THINKING? USA! USA! USA!
French-Man: Wait! Don't leave me alone with that squirrel!... Damn... Well, maybe this filthy hippy over here will protect me and allow me to assist him with his project... Hello, filthy hippy. Can I help you in your Anti-American struggles?
Hippy: Um... sure. Just grab this stick and help me carry this...
French-Man: AAAAHHHHH! Puppet! I give up!
Hippy: Dude, relax. It's just an ugly, oversized, poorly-constructed, meaningless symbol.
French-Man: Please Mr. Puppet, don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want! I hereby declare myself and my fellow countrymen to be your slaves forever!
Hippy: Look, you retarded, annoying Vichy bastard, it's just a damn puppet! It has no power to force you to do anything! It's just a collection of useless garbage that we slapped together to make an irrelevant point! Sort of like the leftist argument for opposing the War on Terrorism and... uh oh... ClueAttack!...Wow! What the f*** am I DOING? There are brave men and women fighting and dying every day, risking their lives to protect the freedoms I take for granted. God, I've been such an IDIOT! Screw this! I'm tired of being a speed bump on the road to freedom! I'm going to join the Army and do my part to make the world safe for democracy, capitalism, and the American way! USA! USA! USA!
French-man: Wait! Come back! You forgot your evil oppressor-puppet!... Crap!... This protest is really starting to thin out. Clues are popping out all over like nipples at the Polar Bear Plunge. There must be SOMEONE left to help... Ah! There's some nasty, flabby naked people spelling words with their disgusting bodies. Surely MY filthy carcass can be of some assistance... Hello! What are you folks getting all naked about?
Skank 1: Oh, hi! We're the Skanky Strippers for Saddam. We're exposing our repulsive nudity to offend decent people and feed our malnourished egos.
Skank 2: [whisper whisper]
Skank 1: I mean, to make the children of the world safe from Bush's evil cowboyness.
French-Man: Ah, a most glorious goal. But I'm afraid I don't understand the message. What does "PUCK BUSH" mean?
Skank 1: Huh? What are you talking about?... Oh... Hey you! Straighten your legs!
Skank 3: Wha? Oh... Sorry!
French-Man: Ah! NOW I understand! A most well-reasoned argument for ending the war immediately! Allow me to disrobe and support your wise and intelligent efforts.
Skank 1: Of course. You can be part of the exclamation point, thus making our explanation all the clearer and... OH MY GOD! You have the filthyiest, scabbiest, most revolting body I've ever seen! And the smell!... [retch!]... what kind of soap do you use? Irish Skunk?
French-Man: Soap? And risk diminishing the National Odor of France? 'Twould be blasphemy, madam.
Skank 1: You idiot! There's no honor in poor personal hygiene! And brandishing your personal vileness isn't any way to change my mind about that! Who the hell would be so simple-minded as to mistake nudity for an argument? You're not going to convince anyone by... oh no... NO!... not a CLUE!... Please!... Not now!... NOOOOOOOOO!
French-man: Madam, are you all right?
Skank 1: Huh? What?... Oh... yes... Yes! I'm better than I've ever been in my life! I just realized how pointless this all is! It's so sad how I've wasted my life up to this point.... But no more! Come on, girls! Let's hide our shamefully exposed blubber and get on with our lives by thinking for ourselves! USA! USA! USA!
Skank 2: Wow, you're right! I'm gonna go home & spend time with my family!
Skank 3: Me too! But first I'm gonna pick up some of this trash those other asshats left laying around. It's not right to ruin other people's enjoyment of this nice park by being irresponsible slobs.
Skank 4: Hey, look! There's a Support Our Troops table over there sponsored by Front Line Voices! I'm going to go join up and be part of the solution instead of part of the problem!
French-man: No! Wait! Come back! We have to fight the power! We can't let America do what is right and just! We can't sit idly by while oppressed people are freed all over the world by... GAK! CLUE!... reverting... to... dominant... personality...
Harv: Whoa! What happened to me? Why am I in DC? What am I doing in this park? Why the HELL am I naked? Last thing I remember, I was at Madfish Willie's watching TV, and...
THE BARTENDER! I'll bet that son-of-a-bitch had something to do with this!
Damn you Barkeep! I'll strangle you dead!
Now where the hell are my pants?
posted by Harvey at 10:26:16 PM permalink HOME
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