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"The frightening power of Harvey's filthy lies makes me tremble like a Frenchman. I frequently wet myself in terror and... Oops... damn." - Glenn Reynolds

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  Monday, October 20, 2003


KANGAROOS  (A FILTHY LIE)

 

Blogging was kinda light Saturday night, but there was a good reason for that. I'd just sat down in front of my computer when the doorbell rang. I answered my door to find a kangaroo standing on my front porch...

 

Harv: ...Uh, may I help you?

 

Kangaroo: Yes, I'm Long Dong Hopalong. I'm here about the ad you placed on animalaction.com.

 

Harv: Ad?

 

Kangaroo: Yes, the one that said, "Wanted: well-endowed marsupial for lead role in adult film. Some trans-species mating required."

 

Harv: I'm sorry, you must have the wrong address.

 

Kangaroo: Hmmm... let me check my notes... Oh! You're right. My mistake. Sorry to have bothered you.

 

... and he hopped away.

 

I was a little unnerved by the experience, but the blogosphere was calling, so I went back to my computer. I'd just sat back down when the doorbell rang again. This time it was a ewe decked out in leather boots and a red teddy.

 

Ewe: Hi. I'm Wicked Wooly Wanda. I'm here about the ad you placed on animalaction.com.

 

Harv: You're not a marsupial.

 

Ewe: Not THAT ad, silly. I'm talking about the one that said, "Wanted: willing female ovine who can take it any way it's given. Some trans-species mating required."

 

Harv: I'm afraid there must be some sort of mistake. I didn't place any ad.

 

Ewe: Hmmm... that's possible. My brain IS the size of a walnut, so I tend to get things confused. Let me check my notes... Whoops! My b-a-a-a-d.

 

... and away she went.

 

I was deeply disturbed by these two incidents, so I spent the next couple hours sitting in the corner of my basement, rocking back and forth, mumbling, "this is not happening" over and over.

 

When the shock had worn off a bit, I decided to check out animalaction.com. After clicking here and there, I finally found a link to "Evil Glenn Productions" and discovered the cause of the night's events. Apparently Evil Glenn had finished his Antarctic expedition and moved on to other projects. Right there under "Back Door Birdie" and "Tux & Sucks" was a promo for his latest film:

 

Evil Glenn Productions proudly presents:

 

Hoppin' & Humpin'

 

Starring Long Dong Hopalong and Wicked Wooly Wanda.

 

[screenshot]

 

I'm too sickened to be outraged. Marauding Marsupials and Large Mammals deserve to roam the Ecosystem freely and not be seduced into a life of degradation serving Evil Glenn's filthy whims. This has to end NOW!

 

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

 

(Hat tip to Tiger for providing the source image which I first found, slightly modified for his own nefarious purposes, here)

 


posted by Harvey at 11:56:16 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




SPEW!

Dammit, Barkeep, if you're going to e-mail me stuff like a link to an animated gif of W puttin' the whack-fist-smackdown on Saddam, you've GOT to include a drink alert.

You owe me a new keyboard.

 


posted by Harvey at 11:33:30 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



WHAT THIS WAR IS REALLY ALL ABOUT

Nothing makes me happier than to read someone's analysis of a situation that brings up a new angle on a familiar situation. I just LOVE that, "oh... of course... it seems so obvious now" feeling.

I got that recently from reading this piece at American Digest wherein he posits that the War on Terrorism (or The First Terrorist War, as he more aptly describes it) is really a war of two diametrically opposed religions:

************

The religion that Islam has engaged is a much younger one, the religion of Freedom.

As a religion Freedom has been gaining converts since the success of the American Revolution enabled it to go forth and be preached to the world. Freedom is easily the most popular of the new religions and historically converts nearly 100% of all populations in which it is allowed to take firm root. This is the religion which we have lately brought to Iraq.

The genius of the religion of Freedom is that it allows all other religions, from the venerable to the trivial, to exist without fear of censure or destruction. Indeed, the only thing that the religion of Freedom firmly forbids is the destruction of Freedom itself. "Thou shalt not destroy Freedom" seems to be the only commandment. And Freedom has been shown to resist efforts to destroy it in the most ferocious way. It’s enemies would do well to ponder the fate of previous attempts to do so.

************

Sheer. F'n. Brilliance.

Wish I could borrow Vanderleun's brain for a little while. Just think of the Filthy Lies I could tell... *sigh*

Bah. Enough daydreamin'. Go read the rest of it.

 


posted by Harvey at 11:16:04 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



SCHWING FACTOR 11

Wow! 1.21 Gigawatts!

No... wait... make that 5.44 Gigabits per second.

Either way, I'm impressed, and I have to agree with Jed: I want it... now.

 


posted by Harvey at 11:05:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



JUST ANOTHER NORMAL CRAZY NIGHT AT WILLIE'S

Ok, so the REAL reason I've been sleeping on the couch is that Matt told my wife that I was in the titty bar with him, as payback for me telling Frank and Misha about him giving dancing-dollars to the Puppy Blender in drag.

Anyway, I'm still too drunk to tell this story. Go ask the Bartender. If for no other reason than to get that mental picture of Serenity's "assets".

 


posted by Harvey at 11:00:31 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



MOORE AWARDS


In order to answer the Alliance's Precision Guided Humor assignment question:


What award would you give Michael Moore?


I decided it to see what awards he already had before I started handing out any new ones. So I snuck into his house and had a look around. I found a few that you would expect him to have:


California Liar's Club "Filthy Liar of the Year Award"


The McDonald's "Burgermeister Award for Conspicuous Pig-like Overeating"


NAACP's "Stupid White Man Award"


and France's coveted "Medal of Odor"


Upon further investigation, I also found an entire shelf labeled "Ficticious Awards" which contained:


The Academy Award for Best Documentary


#1 on Mr. Blackwell's "Best Dressed List"


American Haberdasher's Association "Snazziest Hat Award"


Weight Watchers' "Dieter of the Year"


Gilette's "Cleanest Shave Award"


Dial Soap's "Health & Hygiene Award"


The National Rifle Association's "Second Amendment Freedom Trophy"


Republican National Comittee's "Conservative of the Year Award"


and the Nobel Prize for Literature.


I was so disgusted by what I found that I decided he needed one more award. So, I hunted around the premises until I found him outside pleasuring himself to barnyard porn, and I gave him the ClueBall Award.


What's that?


That's where I take my ClueBat and smack his fat head clean over the fence.


Going... Going... Going... GONE!


No! Wait! Fan interference!


Damn. Oh well. Just wait 'till next year.


SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!


posted by Harvey at 8:59:32 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive and heaven has been brought to me.

 


posted by Harvey at 8:39:33 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Ya know, the name "Counterfeits by Carl" used to mean something. I swear, he's not even trying any more.

 


posted by Harvey at 8:36:53 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




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