SAVE THE PUPPIES!
(A FILTHY LIE)
I was reading the Wisconsin State Journal recently, and my attention was drawn to a bit in the opinion section, calling for increased state regulation of pet breeders. Now, I'm a libertarian at heart, and I believe in regulation by reputation, rather than by legislation, so I disagreed with the premise of the piece. However, there was one sentence that caught my eye:
"They found more than 100 dogs living in their own feces, in cages intended for animals the size of a rabbit, unable to walk because their feet were deformed by the wire floors of their pens."
"Glenn! You bastard!" I thought to myself, and dialed his number.
[ring....ring...ring...]
Evil Glenn: I will crush you all like BUGS! I rule the blogosphere from my dank imperial cavern and none shall escape my foul clutches! You are doomed! DOOMED! I am your Lord and Master! Bow down before me! BWAHAHAHA!... then leave a message at the beep.
[beep]
Harv: Damn you, Reynolds! I know what you've been doing! Blending isn't enough for you, is it? Now it's on to crippling & torture, isn't it? You cruel, heartless, subhuman degenerate!
Evil Glenn: That's lawyer to you, currency-freak. Sorry I couldn't get to the phone, but that damn hobo wouldn't stop squirming. What's your major malfunction this time?
Harv: I read all about your nefarious activities in the Wisconsin State Journal. You've got a lot to answer for, you brutal, savage...
Evil: Yo! Ease up, money-molester. I haven't set foot in your sorry state since the tiddlywink tournament. Heh. Naked Helen Thomas. Indeed!
Harv: EWWWW! Don't remind me. But that's beside the point. It says right here in the paper that everyone who attended the hearing on the proposed pet-dealer licensing law was in favor of it... with ONE exception. Gee... I wonder who that could be?
Evil Glenn: Wasn't me, crappy-cash-collector. Get yourself another scapegoat.
Harv: Cut the bullshit! Who else would be against saving puppies?
Evil Glenn: Well, you just got done saying YOU were against it. Geez! Don't you even read your own blog?
Harv: Not very often. It's kinda dull & repetitive - "graffiti currency" this, and "love note" that - Blah! Blah! Blah! What a bunch of crap! Who the hell would read that drivel? The only traffic I get is from people looking for XXX black peeing porn, and... DAMMIT! Would you please quit trying to change the subject?
Evil Glenn: Heh. Sorry. Couldn't resist.
Harv: Now answer my question! Why are you torturing little doggies?
Evil Glenn: Look, dollar-defacer, you've got the wrong guy. I may be a puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping, robot-dancing, communist-sympathizing, Frank J.-punching, white-supremacist, penguin-porn addict who makes inter-species sex films, but that doesn't make me a monster.
Harv: Lawyer
Evil Glenn: Touché. However, the fact is that when I blend puppies, I use the "liquefy" setting so that it's over with quickly. I just want a fast energy drink, I don't want the little sweet-meats to actually SUFFER... except maybe the Yorkies... nasty, ankle-biting, yipping little annoyances. They're like tiny, fuzzy Frenchmen.
Harv: Can't argue with you there.
Evil Glenn: Besides, there's hardly any money in the puppy-mill industry. Way too small-time for an important guy like me to piddle around with. I seek world domination, and I'm working on a scheme right now to bring the global economy to its knees. So until the profit margins on animal abuse increase significantly, I've got bigger fish to fry.
Harv: EWWWW! And I thought penguin porn was gross. You're sicker than Troy McClure!
Evil Glenn: Idiot! I said "fry", not f***!
Harv: Oh. Sorry. Anyway, what's this evil scheme of yours?
Evil Glenn: You'll find out. MUAHAHAHA!
[click]
And find out I did. When we got our last shipment of currency from the Federal Reserve, I saw this horrifying sight:
[too evil for words]
Evil Glenn my not be crippling helpless canines for profit, but he's still a threat to the American way of life and he must be stopped!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
(hat tip to American Digest for the picture and Blogless Brother Tom for the news story)
posted by Harvey at 9:42:25 PM permalink HOME
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