PERSONALLY YOURS, GLENN
(A FILTHY LIE)
I walked into Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon the other night to take the edge off the work day, and saw a familiar face sitting at the bar.
Harv: Hi Trey. Don't see you in here often. What's up?
Trey: Oh, hi Harv. I've been having a rough day and I just came in to drown a few sorrows.
Harv: Mandatory diversity training getting you down again? Must be pretty bad if you're doing whiskey shots. I know you're usually more of a wine person.
Trey: Those pansy-ass diversity bigots really got me peeved, but that's not the big problem. What's troubling me is this horrifying picture. [sliding it over to me]
Harv: Oh my god! That filthy puppy-blender has gone too far this time! I'm going to hunt him down and kill him! This is obscene!
Trey: I usually don't condone gratuitous violence, but give him a groin kick for me.
Harv: Will do. By the way, why is Dana beating the crap out of Matt O'Blackfive in the corner over there?
Trey: I'm not sure. I know she's been kinda tense lately about the whole Howard Dean thing, but I don't know what set her off. All Matt said was something like "these are the worst cards I've ever seen" and Dana just started smashing beer mugs over his head. Maybe she misunderstood him?
Harv: Maybe. She's pretty fierce when she gets up a head of steam.
Trey: Yeah. But you really gotta love the way her nipples perk up when she's angry. God that's hot!
Harv: Tell me about it! I... hey, wait... I thought you were gay?
Trey: Yeah, but my inner lesbian gets the best of me sometimes.
Harv: Heh. With all the licking I do, sometimes I think I'm a lesbian myself. Anyway, I'm off to murder Evil Glenn.
Trey: Ok. Hey, Bartender! Another shot of whiskey! And how about a clean glass this time?
Dana: Did you say Howard Dean!?! I'll strangle you dead! RARRR!
Harv: Gotta go! I'll visit you in the hospital, Trey!
Trey: ACK! *gurgle*
So I went off in search of Evil Glenn, fully prepared to finish the Alliance's job once and for all. I don't usually murder non-hippies, but I just kept seeing that poor puppy's little head in my mind...
I went over to the bad part of the blogosphere to Mudfish Billie's Virtual Tavern, hoping to spot my quarry. As I walked through the doors, I immediately recognized the Dark Overlord of Cyberspace, sitting at the bar, nursing a puppy smoothie. I approached coolly...
Harv: Puppy Blender
Evil Glenn: Currency Freak.
Harv: How are you doing this fine last evening of your life?
Evil Glenn: So you've come to kill me?
Harv: In a fit of cold-blooded fury, yes.
I caressed the trigger of my Frank J. Memorial 1991.
Evil Glenn: Please do. I've got nothing left to live for, anyway.
Harv: Good! Because I'm going to give you such a shooting! DIE, you evil... Wait,... did you just say "please do"?
Evil Glenn: Yeah.
A wave of pity overcame me. I lowered the gun.
Harv: Well, not that I care, but what's the problem?
Evil Glenn: I thought I had it all: complete control of the blogosphere, a new MixMaster 3000, a great job as a law professor, loyal minions to help me murder hobos... but it all feels so... meaningless. I'm so empty inside...
Harv: So you can't get laid, then?
Evil Glenn: That's one way of putting it.
Harv: Come on, it can't be THAT bad. There must be SOMEONE out there who doesn't mind your Satan-worshiping & Robot Dancing.
Evil Glenn: If there is, I can't find her. Every woman I talk to runs away screaming.
Harv: Maybe if you wiped the puppy entrails off your chin, you could...
Evil Glenn: Don't start giving ME fashion tips! What is this? Queer Eye for the Straight Blogger?
Harv: That would be Trey's bit.
Evil Glenn: Who?
Harv: Never mind. Have you thought about maybe placing a personals ad?
Evil Glenn: A what?
Harv: A personals ad. You know, a brief description of your character and personality for placement in a newspaper to attract attention from members of the opposite sex?
Evil Glenn: Never heard of it.
Harv: You don't get out much, do you?
Evil Glenn: Does blogging count as "out"?
Harv: Look, it's easy, just decribe yourself in a short paragraph and add a little something about what you're looking for in a mate. I'll take notes.
Evil Glenn: I thought you came to kill me?
Harv: Getting you laid takes precedence here. I have my priorities.
Evil Glenn: Don't you EVER think about anything besides sex?
Evil Glenn: Touché. Ok, take this down: "Single white pengo-sexual seeks...
Evil Glenn: WHAT?
Harv: Save the sicko beastiality crap for the second date. Right now let's just aim for a homo sapien
Evil Glenn: Hey! I'm strictly AC!
Harv: I said "sapien".
Evil Glenn: Oh... Sorry.... How about, "Sensitive, caring man seeks kind, considerate woman..."
Harv: Better... go on...
Evil Glenn: "... who enjoys long walks, holding hands, rainy nights by the fire..."
Harv: This is prime stuff...
Evil Glenn:"... and violently punching bloggers..."
Evil Glenn: WHAT?
Harv: Not everybody knows what a blogger is. They'll probably think it's a euphemism for anal sex.
Evil Glenn: Actually...
Harv: Again, second date. Try a little more subtlety.
Evil Glenn: "... and who's experienced enough to know that hind-sight is 20-20."
Evil Glenn: "Come join me for a little puppy-smoo..."
Evill Glenn: "puppy love. I hope that we'll find happiness together."
Harv: That was lovely *sniff*
Evil Glenn: Ok, now read that back.
Harv: "Sensitive, caring man seeks..." DIE, Puppy Blender!
Quickly I raised the gun, aimed carefully right between his damnable hobo-murdering eyes and...
Everything went black. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital next to Trey. Apparently the Evil Bartender, Mudfish Billie, had snuck up behind me while I was talking to Glenn and cold-cocked me before I could pull the trigger. Trey was recovering nicely from Dana's strangling, since Finn the Viking had distracted her with a naked picture of Eminem before she could do any permanent damage.
As I lay there enjoying the morphine, I noticed a get-well card on the nightstand...
Hope you recover quickly. Worthy adversaries are hard to come by. Here's $20 to help cover your medical expenses.
By the way, thanks for the help with the personals ad. Because of you, I've finally found the woman of my dreams. Here's her picture. Ain't she something? Heh. Indeed.
"Miserable, stinking, degenerate bastard," I mumbled, eyes smarting from the photographic torture.
Damn you Glenn Reynolds! This is NOT over! NOT BY A LONG SHOT!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 10:02:19 PM permalink HOME