Friday, June 13, 2003

Causes I don't have a cause.  I don't have a flag to wave.  I don't have something that I truly dedicate myself toward fighting for.  Which is sad, really.  I almost envy protestors or activists who feel so deeply the need to support some worthy cause.  I want to wear witty t-shirts and hold up posterboards with wittier slogans.  I want to sing protest songs while walking around in a circle with a bunch of other like-minded individuals.  I want to honk for something.  I want to go door-to-door, work the phones, hand out flyers, and approach people on the street and try to show them the way, the road, the light.  I want to right wrongs, give people a helping hand, bring down the lofty and pick up the lowly.  I want to wear every freakin' colored ribbon ever invented and then come up with my own for some cause that has to this point been ignored by the media, the public, Congress, and every other group that is so focused on their specific cause that they haven't even noticed my cause and how vitally important it is.  In essence, I want to rally the troops, move the masses, and make the world a better place. But damn it, I need a really good reason to.  I mean really good. Here are some causes that I might throw my weight behind: FreeRefill.com:  Fighting to make free refills available everywhere. N.O.H.A.R.M.M.:  Fighting to let guys keep all the equipment they were born with. Freeballers of America:  Spreading the word about the joys of going without underwear. Society for Barefoot Living:  Shoes are bad for you! The Potato Association of America:  Potatoes rule! The Prank Institute:  Promoting the pranking sciences. Society for the Preservation of Bluegrass Music in America:  At first I thought it read, Prevention of Bluegrass Music, which I'm all for.  But you know, they seem like nice people, so I'll let them pick their banjos a little while longer. The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement:  So far I've contributed to their cause by not spreading my DNA all that much.  Down with humans!!  So there you have it.  Eight worthy causes.  Causes worth dying for.  Causes worth living for!  Causes that are sure to have really cool t-shirts to wow your friends and annoy your neighbors with.  Now go burn your underwear, throw away your shoes, eat a potato or five, play a prank on someone, don't get pregnant or help anyone else in doing so, insist on all the Coke or Pepsi you can drink for the price of one, and while you're at it, crank up that bluegrass music! 2:20:03 PM     |

© Copyright 2005 Alex L. Mauldin.