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Thursday, February 05, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
If now were going to be the last moment of my life, the first thing I would want to do would be holding you in my arms, my love.
posted by Harvey at 10:58:29 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Presidential Fun Fact: The Whipple Administration is best remembered for its introduction of "squeezably soft" currency.
posted by Harvey at 10:48:39 PM permalink HOME
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UP AT HQ
Matty O'Blackfive gives hot tips on getting maximum exposure for your blog.
Which sentence is NOT a euphemism for posting Janet Jackson boobie pictures.
posted by Harvey at 10:40:58 PM permalink HOME
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GOING HOME
At the suggestion of Beloved Wife - who complained that I only had one
teeny-weeny link to my front page, and that it was buried almost
unfindably in my sidebar - I've now added a Home link at the bottom
of each entry. Hope this helps.
Or should I call it "Main", instead, like all the cool MT bloggers?
posted by Harvey at 10:30:34 PM permalink HOME
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VISIBLE TERESA
For those wondering what former-comment-angel and current beautiful bloggerette Teresa of Technicalities actually looks like, she's posted a picture of herself in her "about me" post.
Either that or Agent Scully is investigating a mysterious extra-terrestrial-tire sighting.
posted by Harvey at 10:15:15 PM permalink HOME
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SECRET THEATER
Recently, while complaining about some idiot customers, Susie of Practical Penumbra had this to say:
Why do perfectly nice, normal people turn into idiots when they become customers?
Customer (looking
at the schedule board hanging over my head in the ticket booth window):
"So the next two shows are Scary Movie 3 and The Missing? Is that all?"
Susie: "Well, we only have two theaters, so we can only show two movies
at one time." (thinking: muhahahah, except for the secret theater in
the secret basement where we show secret movies at secret showtimes...)
Which led me to wonder... What WOULD be showing in the secret theater?
I have a few guesses:
Some movies you've never heard of:
CGI Wars: Jar-Jar vs. Gollum
The Mediocre Hulk
Spiderman 2: Oops...Splat!
The Godmother
Nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy vs. Bambi
Dr. Spamlove, or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Learned To Love Unsolicited Commercial E-mail
Pulp Fact
South by Southeast
Peter Jackson Presents: Jim Henson's "The Hobbits Take Manhattan"
The Seventh Sense
Lawrence of Suburbia
Some movies you have heard of, but slightly different versions:
Batman Returns - this one featuring a cellophane catsuit
Titanic - the happy ending - where Rose is the one who drowns
Matrix 1, 2, and 3 - less talking, more fighting
Monty Python and the Holy Grail - as expected, the French surrender and hand over the Grail without a fight.
2001: A Space Odyssey - they actually take a few minutes to explain all that weird crap at the end.
Finding Nemo - well, whaddya know? Fish ARE food after all.
Casablanca - Rick pistol-whips Victor and gets on the plane with Ilsa. Louis surrenders to the bottle of Vichy water.
Silence of the Lambs - Clarice tries on the "woman suit", likes what she sees, and starts life anew as a size 14.
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - that "chase scene" lasts 90 minutes.
The Wizard of Oz - Dorothy decides that, while there really is "no
place like home", home sucked. She then accepts the position of Madam
at the Emerald City cat house.
Alien - Ripley gets eaten. Jonesy just laughs.
Toy Story - Woody & Buzz end up as the puppy's chew toys. Hilarity ensues.
Now, if only I can get Susie to tell me when the secret showtimes are...
posted by Harvey at 9:49:34 PM permalink HOME
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LINE VS. NO LINE
While working at the bank today, I happened to accidentally look at the
butt of one of the shapely young college girls that was working there (don't look at me like that, I told you it was an accident), and I couldn't help noticing an absence of panty lines. I assumed that she was doing the whale tail thing
and wearing a thong. I understand thongs are popular amongst women for
that very reason - they eliminate those "horrible, horrible panty
lines".
Ladies, don't get me wrong. It's a free country, and however you choose
to wrap your goodies is fine by me (especially if I get to be the one
doing the unwrapping later). However, WHY would you want to eliminate
panty lines?
I like panty lines.
I think they're damn sexy. They're like little instruction sheets that say "put hands HERE". Very useful for scripting up flash fantasies and/or general lusting.
They are a GOOD thing, because they make a man (or, at least, this man) think about your panties, and the treasures contained therein.
Thongs may make for a great cut when you're wearing a bikini, but when
it comes to everyday undies, I say stick with the line-makers.
posted by Harvey at 8:04:42 PM permalink HOME
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AN ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE
Lynn of Reflections in d minor points to Die Puny Humans who points to this piece from the BBC News site, which says, in pertinent part:
Pain from a woman will hurt less
Pain hurts less when it is inflicted by a woman, researchers have found.
Students were asked to put their fingers in a clamp which was tightened until the pain was unbearable.
Researchers from the University of Westminster found that people allowed women to turn the clamp much further than men.
I've spent my life studying this very topic, and I have to agree. Now
if you'll excuse me, I have to go find Beloved Wife to do some more
research...
Hi Honey! I've been bad again!
[WHACK!]
mmmm... 3 on a 10 scale...
By the way, am I the only husband whose wife laughs like a lunatic whenever he gets hurt?
posted by Harvey at 7:46:42 PM permalink HOME
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JOHN EDWARDS BECOMES PUNK, FEELS LUCKY
Look John, we're all sorry to hear that your campaign went down the toilet, but for God's sake, we beg of you:
RELEASE THE CHILDREN UNHARMED!
Where's Dirty Harry when you need him?
posted by Harvey at 7:38:02 PM permalink HOME
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CUPCAKES? SURE! I'D LOVE SOME CUPCAKES! I... EWWWW!
Normally I'm all over any kind of sweet chocolaty dessert that you leave unguarded for more than 5 seconds, but when Trey pointed out these tasty morsels that were just laying around for the taking over on The Amatuer Gormet's kitchen counter, I have to admit I hesitated.
But in the end...
Lord... I am weak.
posted by Harvey at 7:30:00 PM permalink HOME
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SOMETHING TO REMEMBER
It's pretty much a science fiction movie cliche that at some point, the
oh-so-advanced alien emissary will look down his nose (or lack thereof)
and make some snooty, almost Frenchly haughty remark about what a
primitive species we are because we "kill each other".
Via Carnival of the Vanities #72, I found the perfect response at Solomonia:
From the stars, we can look down
on the Earth, and imagine all the tiny people, and their petty wars,
and their petty conflicts, and wonder why all those souls, who appear
not even as ants to us floating up above, why they have to kill each
other, why they must cause so much pain to one another when they are
surrounded by so...much...beauty.
But then we remember...they kill each other, yes...but they...those tiny, tiny specks too minute for the eye to see...they save each other, too.
Take that, Chirac From Outer Space.
posted by Harvey at 7:20:45 PM permalink HOME
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I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE
I love Matty O'Blackfive like a brother, but he's just getting out of hand here. In this post, he refers to Teresa of Technicalities as the Honorary Mom of Blackfive (HMOB). I'm sure he means well, but let's do the math.
I have it on relatively good authority that Teresa is 29. That's "is"
in the Clintonian sense of the word, but still "is". As further
evidence, I offer the facts that she is both proud of her boobies (look
for the Bloggers With Boobies logo), AND a full-fledged Corner of the Bar Babe. Note that she's not a Corner of the Bar Mom.
Matty just had a birthday recently, and since he declined to state his
age, I am forced to assume it's something REALLY bad that he doesn't
want anyone to know about, like 50.
Now, if I were a devastatingly beautiful 29-year-old like Teresa and
some dirty old man called me his mother, I'd be steaming mad.
Maybe you should take it back while you can, Matty.
posted by Harvey at 7:42:31 AM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:12:18 PM.
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MAIN ARCHIVES
CATEGORY ARCHIVES
GRAFFITI CURRENCY
200 WORDS OR LESS
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KING OF THE BLOGS
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