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Wednesday, February 25, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Maybe a guy could fall instantly in love, but I doubt it. I think love
creeps over you like a warm feeling on a clear blue fall day. This
person is in your thoughts most of the time - all of the time,
actually. You see her when you close your eyes, when you look off into
the distance, when you pause from what you are doing and take a deep
breath. You remember how her fingers felt when they touched you. The
loved one becomes a part of you, the most important part. At least it's
that way with me when I think of you.
posted by Harvey at 10:44:32 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Jamie Whitehead St. John School Encinitas CA]
I'm just trying to picture Jamie's grandfather's thought process when
he got off the boat at Ellis Island and was told to pick a more
American-sounding last name... "Hmmm... Zit?... Cyst?... Pustule?...
AH! I know!..."
posted by Harvey at 10:40:22 PM permalink HOME
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HE'S RIGHT
Phelps of The Everlasting Phelps claims that he's written a top 10 list on the "stupid lefty moonbat tricks" topic that's funnier than all 6 of the other permalink contest entries combined.
I agree. Even this one by itself makes my entire masterpiece look like stepped-in dog crap:
2. MoveOn.org starts a petition to impeach GW Bush for perjury about getting his teeth cleaned in Arkansas
Glad he wasn't in the competition. I would've lost my shirt.
No pun intended.
posted by Harvey at 5:43:38 PM permalink HOME
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THE BIG G UNDER THE MICROSCOPE
Graumaugus of Frizzen Sparks is one of those guys you just want to slap in the back of the head.
Why? Because he's got MOAB-strength funny inside him, and doesn't belt it out anywhere NEAR often enough.
However, he takes it to the house several times in his long-delayed interview which is now up at Jen's History & Stuff. My favorite bit is this:
What is the most wonderful thing about Tiggers?
They add another interesting psychological twist to the 100 Acre
Wood Institution for Mentally Deranged Stuffed Animals. You have Tigger
(ADHD), Eeeore (Depression), Pooh (Mental Retardation, Food Addiction),
Piglet (Anxiety), Rabbit (Obsessive/Compulsive gardening), Kanga (Drug
Addiction. Trust me, everyone keeps craving her cookies for a reason),
Roo (Obsessive Hero Worship), Owl (Delusions of Grandeur, initial
stages of Alzheimer's), Mole (Obsessive/Compulsive need to fix things),
and Christopher Robin (Visual and Auditory Hallucinations of talking,
walking stuffed animals.)
Not because it's necessarily the best answer he gives in the interview
(there's LOTS of other good stuff), but because I know several young
women who have 100 Acre Woods characters TATTOOED on their otherwise
lovely bodies.
Bugs Bunny I can understand. He's got moxy. But Tigger? He's nothing
but a brainless, linguini-spined blabbermouth. And can you imagine
getting Eeyore permanently inked onto your ankle? That sad-sack bucket of pathetic, whiny crap? No self-image issues here, no sir.
Bah! The only way I want to visit the 100 Acre Woods is with a match on
a dry summer day. I'll roast marshmallows while I cherish the screams.
posted by Harvey at 5:14:20 PM permalink HOME
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MY SUPER LUCKY HAPPY FUN PERMALINK CONTEST NUMBER ONE II ENTRY (NOW WITH RELEVANT LINKS)
December 31, 2004
[The TV screen fades in from black, as we tune in to Fox News Channel's
newest and highest-rated news magazine show, "Hard Right", hosted by
the always-delectable Melinda Hawkish, who, as usual, is clad in the
thinnest of soaking-wet white cotton T-shirts]
Good Evening, I'm Melinda Hawkish. Tonight on Hard Right – "2004: The Year in Review". A look back at the top ten ways the loony moonbat left has made themselves look even more hopelessly ridiculous.
But first, this bit of gratuitous breast-jiggling. Can we zoom in on my bodacious ta-ta's, please? Thanks.
[jiggles breasts gratuitously]
Now to our stories:
Number 10: After Howard Dean lost the Wisconsin Democratic Primary and
dropped out of the race, a small but vocal group of his followers
refused to give up hope. Calling themselves the "YEARRRGGGGH! Party",
and known popularly as the "Scream-ites", this gaggle of gruel-brained
nugget-heads attempted to create a "Draft Dean" movement. Sadly – well,
sadly for THEM, anyway – at the start of their first meeting, when they
all simultaneously inhaled in preparation for their trademark insane
howl, the resulting sudden decrease in air pressure caused the building
to implode, killing all inside.
Number 9: Immediately after the Scream-ites were rubbled into jello,
Michael Moore held a press conference. Jibbering maniacally, he claimed
that President Bush had somehow orchestrated everything from Howard
Dean's original scream to the collapse of the building itself. However,
during the press conference, an adorable little puppy knocked Moore
down with a well-placed kick to the spleen and piddled up his nose. No
one has taken him seriously since.
Number 8: Immediately after Moore's utter humiliation, Congressional
Democrats held press conferences, claiming that President Bush had
somehow orchestrated the puppy attack. They, too, were spleen-kicked,
piddled on, and ignored. This time by Congressional Republicans.
Number 7: As the furor around "Piddle-Gate" expanded, Hillary Clinton,
frustrated at being ignored by the American news media, exposed her
wrinkly, sagging, and piddle-stained right breast during a nationally
televised news conference. The nation's health care system nearly
collapsed, as millions of people who had been watching Hillary's news
conference were afflicted with severe, acute hysterical blindness.
Prune sales plummeted.
Number 6: Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-Idiotaria) held a press
conference, claiming that President Bush had known for years that
Hillary Clinton had possessed Breatseses of Mass Destruction, and that
Bush was a miserable failure for not having prevented this ghastly
attack on innocent American citizens. President Bush responded by
kicking Senator Daschle in the spleen and piddling up his nose. A
grateful nation wept with joy.
Number 5: French President Jacques Chirac held a press conference,
claiming that Americans had no right to unilaterally urinate on anyone,
and must henceforth seek the approval of the international community
prior to releasing any bodily fluids, or else risk facing a War Crimes
tribunal. However, in a show of international support for American
foreign policy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Australian Prime
Minister John Howard arrived at the press conference simultaneously,
and administered a flamboyant tag-team kick-and-piddle to, quote, "that
two-faced, gutless, weasely Frog bastard.", unquote.
Number 4: Democratic Presidental Candidate John Kerry, who is rumored
to have served in Viet Nam, held a press conference near the US Capitol
Building with his running mate, retired General Wesley Clark, who wore
his military uniform, complete with all ribbons and medals, for the
event. Claiming that President Bush had known for years that any war in
Iraq would quickly degrade into a Viet-Nam-like quagmire, Kerry
protested Bush's foreign policy by throwing General Clark over the
fence and chanting anti-war slogans with Jane Fonda.
Number 3: Ronald Reagan, our beloved 40th President, died quietly at
his California ranch, and a nation mourned. Except, of course, for
those maggot-sucking protestors who burst in on the memorial service,
waving signs printed with such vile crap as "Hinckley should've shot
you twice" and "Burn in hell, Bonzo". The enraged crowd turned on the
outnumbered idiots, thus commencing the event that the news media later
dubbed "Kick'n'Piddlestock '04". Sales of the DVD are currently on
track to break the record previously held by the movie "Titanic".
Number 2: As election day neared, a group of extreme left-wing fanatics
posted entries on their… what's that word there? "blogs"? What the hell
is a "blog"?… [off camera: "Just read the story, Melinda"]…ok, uh,
"blogs"… * giggle * … that sounds like someone throwing up –
blaaaaaaagh! * snort *… anyway, heh, on their "blogs", calling on
leftists of all stripes to physically blockade voting booths across the
nation, and to make sure that only people voting for Kerry would be
allowed to mark their ballots. After getting wind of the nefarious
plot, noted right-wing blaaaaaaagher… [off camera: MELINDA!]… * snicker
* … sorry, couldn't resist… blogger Frank J. of IMAO
organized the now-famous counter-protest "Operation Groin Stomp".
Election day 2004 was one of the cheeriest ever, as voters were
continually amused by the sight of lefty moonbats writhing on the
ground, holding their crotches, and crying like little babies.
And the number 1 news story of 2004 is, without question, the results
of the election itself. In a stunning upset, Frank J. was elected
President via a massive deluge of write-in votes. After the results
were announced, Frank J. used a little-known loophole in the
Constitution which allowed him to assume the office of President
immediately. Within 60 seconds of completing his Presidential Oath,
Frank J. fulfilled a long-standing campaign promise by nuking the moon.
Outraged, every leftist in the country gathered in Berkeley, California
the next weekend to protest this outrageous bid for world peace. As the
mass
of fetid hippies started chanting "no blood for green cheese!",
Berkeley was also nuked. In the 8 weeks since then, every non-nuked
barking moonbat lefty and/or terrorist in the world, fearing our
beloved and psychotic President, has kicked himself in the spleen and
piddled up his own nose in terror. Thanks to Frank J.'s brilliant
strategy, the planet Earth now spins its way through space in peace and
harmony.
That's our recap of the year's top stories, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm
Melinda Hawkish, and these [removing her shirt and shimmying
enthusiastically] are my boobs.
Good night, and have a jiggly tomorrow.
posted by Harvey at 4:49:52 PM permalink HOME
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ABOUT THE PERMALINK CONTEST
I got lucky.
9 times out of 10, in any direct, funny-to-funny competition with Frank
J., he's gonna kick me in the spleen & piddle up my nose. He's
still funnier than me - about 10 times funnier, judging by site traffic
- and he's still at the top of my list of "bloggers I'll never be
funnier than."
This was just one of those happy flukes like the American Olympic
hockey team beating Russia in 1980 (Now a major motion picture starring
Kurt Russell).
Not that Frank is a filthy, bushy-eyebrowed commie who never laughs or smiles. I'm just making an analogy.
Anyway, I want to thank Frank for daring to put his funny where his mouth was and actually going through with this peculiar little exercise.
I want to thank Emperor Darth Misha I for volunteering his time, creativity, and blog space to present us all with the topic over which to do battle.
And I especially want to thank Susie, of Practical Penumbra, for sacrificing a LOT of what precious little blogging time she gets in order to craft the post that was our battleground. Susie, you're still the sweetiest.
Further thanks are in order for my competitors - Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless (who appears to be blogless again), Joey of Single White Male, Kabasue of Kabasue's Little Blog, and Rasta of Behind Enemy Headlines - for having the decency to NOT have a flash of comedic brilliance that would play Eddie Murphy to my Bob Hope.
Finally, to all the kind people who voted for my entry - your checks are in the mail.
posted by Harvey at 4:39:25 PM permalink HOME
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TOP 10 REASONS WHY I WON SUPER LUCKY HAPPY FUN PERMALINK CONTEST NUMBER ONE II
10) Certain pictures and negatives will now be mailed to Frank.
Meanwhile, you are instructed to ignore any "inflatable Ann Coulter"
rumors
9) I thought the topic was "Top 10 Ways To Get Urine Up A Loony Moonbat Leftist's Nose"
8) That PayPal virtual tip jar on Frank's sidebar ain't there for looks, people.
7) Scissors beats paper, paper beats rock, boobs beat everything.
6) Misha e-mailed me the topic weeks ago. I LOVE virtual tip jars!
5) That clown college degree finally made itself useful.
4) I'm not saying how I curried Susie's favor, but I officially deny that Reddi-Wip was involved
3) I usually take Lithium to keep from being funny, but I spilled the
bottle down the bathroom sink, so I was unmedicated that day.
2) Despite the fact that it's also a light-weight, silvery colored metal, aluminum is NOT a servicable substitute for Lithium
...and the number one reason why I won Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II:
1) Mine's bigger.
posted by Harvey at 3:30:55 PM permalink HOME
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OH YES...
I won.
Official gloat-post to follow this evening.
Meanwhile, big thanks to Frank, Susie & Misha for putting this together.
posted by Harvey at 7:37:35 AM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:12:44 PM.
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200 WORDS OR LESS
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