| |
|
Thursday, February 26, 2004
|
|
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Ah, the dead of night, when you can lie awake pondering the wonders of
the universe, the simplicity of life, or the beauty of the person you
live for. Each can satisfy you, but only one will fulfill you.
posted by Harvey at 11:25:31 PM permalink HOME
|
|
TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Look, I understand the Treasury Department's decision to allow
corporate sponsorship of US currency - they needed the extra revenue.
That's fine. I even think it's kinda cute that Wal-Mart got the one
dollar bill. It's just that I really wish that Vagisil hadn't gotten the five.
posted by Harvey at 11:22:48 PM permalink HOME
|
|
GREAT BOOBILY MOOGILY!
That does it. I'm starting a petition to have Da Goddess host the
Carnival of the Vanities every week. She did a great job hosting it
several months back, and she's done a fantastic job this time around.
Also, she has one of the best sidebar cleavage shots I've ever seen.
This week's Diamond Edition Carnival (#75) has an overstuffed, overflowing bra theme. I'm kinda busy drooling to pick a winner out of this pile, but I'll tear myself away briefly to find something...
Red Ted wants to name his daughter Cthulhu.
Which would be fine by me, except he does that horrid pretentious
baby-naming thing and spells it wrong. Or maybe he was just too lazy to
Google.
Either way, it's still a better girl's name than McKenzie.
posted by Harvey at 10:54:30 PM permalink HOME
|
|
BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES #34
Available for perusal at The Argus.
"Why," you ask, "would I want to go look at that? Isn't that the
collection of the worst and most shamefully disgraceful posts in the
blogosphere?"
Hell yeah.
But the thing is, every week, some filthy little cheater stuffs in
something GOOD. Like the post by Pietro of The SmarterCop, wherein he visually chronicles the football referee hand signals of John Kerry. I can't quote it. It's a visual.
For some reason, that "roughing the kicker" pic just tickled me.
Bad Pietro! No quality allowed in the Bonfire. Bad! BAD!
posted by Harvey at 9:39:45 PM permalink HOME
|
|
BEST OF ME SYMPHONY
Is up at The Owner's Manual.
My pick of the litter would be this rather sticky post by Jim of Snooze
Button Dreams wherein he muses on what it would be like to be the Holodeck squeegee boy:
There are 6 holodecks, I believe. (Apologies that I have no exact
figures for you - I'm not quite a geek enough to have such specific
data available.) So there are about 650 people who want to wack off in
each holodeck at any particular time. We're talking some extremely
constant fluid excretion here. The holodeck ends each day with pearl
floors and textured ceilings.
I'm sure most people would read that and say, "EWWW! That's just gross!
Besides, everyone knows that Federation officers are a bunch of
vegetarian eunuchs. Well, except for that slut Riker - he'll sleep with
anything."
Although I mostly agree that the Next Gen crowd could use a dose of viagra, there is a strong
hint dropped that Jim's not too far off the mark. In the episode
"Hollow Pursuits" Geordi says something very much like the following to
Mr. Barclay (I can't find the exact quote anywhere): "What a person
does on the holodeck is his own business"
*AHEM*
Anyway, even if you don't want to go swimming in the goo, or even read
any of the posts, you should stop by the Symphony anyway. Why? Because
Gary included a relevant H.L. Mencken quote with every entry. For
example:
"Every normal man must be tempted at
times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting
throats."
I swear, that's going to be my next tattoo.
posted by Harvey at 9:27:01 PM permalink HOME
|
|
FEBRUARY IN A NUTSHELL
Why do I read Pepper of the Earth? Because Linus can make the English
language prance and caper in the startling sort of way that makes James Lileks look like Barney & Friends. Here he nails the month of February right to the church door:
February's weather isn't any
worse than December's, but 'round about, say, last week we've had
winter so long we can't remember any other state, of mind or matter. We
abrade under the salt and sand, traction grinding us smooth. S.A.D.
leaks from every bundled muffler, shuttered window, and raised collar;
the stashes of tissues are all used up, the winter coat isn't full of
banked and promising warmth so much as it is heavy, drab, and bulky.
Sweatshirt pockets are stripped of mementoes of winters past, saggy
with the trespass of frequent hands. The hiss of the heat, the slush of
cars in snow flurry washback, the gritty filth of permafrost plates
tucked under stoops and at the mouths of alleys. Enough, enough,
enuffawreddy.
Amen.
posted by Harvey at 8:38:34 PM permalink HOME
|
|
THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT
Trey Givens puts the "ban smoking in all public places" argument in perspective:
1) We spend bazillions of dollars each year on medical care for Georgians especially on cancer and cancer-related illnesses.
2) Smoking and second-hand smoke contribute to cancer and cancer-related illness.
3) Georgia can reduce its medical expenses by reducing the number of people who smoke or are exposed to second-hand smoke.
4) We should forbid smoking.
Can you spot the error? Allow me to draw an analogy from my own life.
1) I spend a bazillion dollars every month on Starbuck's White Chocolate Mochas.
2) White Chocolate Mochas taste good, but they aren't very good for me.
3) I can save lots of money and be healthier if I drink fewer White Chocolate Mochas.
4) I should punch the barista in the neck next time she makes a White Chocolate Mocha for me.
Stop smoking yourself? Get the government out of the health care purchasing business? Never! BAN! BAN! BAN! It's the ONLY way!
Idiots.
posted by Harvey at 8:32:04 PM permalink HOME
|
|
STOPPING BY
I was surfing around this morning, and I came across a thoughtful post by Lynn of Refections in d minor
about writing, where she noted the differences between writing essays
and the more conversational style that bloggers tend to use.
It was good, but there wasn't really a money quote to post about, and
it didn't compel any sort of verbal response that I felt was worth
leaving in the comments. Yet I enjoyed reading it, so I just left a
lame little "good post" comment.
It occurred to me that this happens to me a LOT. If you're on my
blogroll, rest assured that I stop by every day and read everything
you've written since my last visit. Yet sometimes I feel a little
guilty. I enjoy everything I read, but I don't always comment, and I
link even less. This makes me a little sad, because I know what it's
like to see zero after zero in the comments and think "Wow. Nobody
cares. I'm just talking to myself and I feel a little foolish. I
thought that was a GREAT post, too. *sigh*"
Dammit, I DO care! I READ! I LOVE! I want you to keep writing. MORE! MORE! MORE!
Please don't mistake my silence for apathy.
As for me, I LIVE for comments. I don't write so much for the pleasure
(although it IS great fun) as I do for the conversation. The kind of
witty banter that I get all too infrequently in the dull, dry world of
face-to-face.
But I realize that other folks are under the same sort of time-pressure
I am. Lots of reading to do, and not nearly enough time to do it all.
At times like these, I find comfort in my referrer logs, seeing all the
familiar names that have stopped by. It's like coming home to find my
front door covered with little post-it notes that say "Hi - stopped by
- you weren't home - I'll be back later - thinking of you :-)"
It's a good feeling.
So if I don't link or comment, just check your door. You'll see that I stopped by. That I was thinking of you. And that I care.
posted by Harvey at 8:28:33 PM permalink HOME
|
|
EVIL GLENN'S AWARDS
(A FILTHY LIE)
Google as I might, I couldn't find any information on awards that the Puppy Blender might have won, so I decided to call him and ask him directly. I cleverly disguised my true identity...
[ring... ring]
Evil Glenn: You are puny and weak! You will die a horrible bloody death
at the hands of my foul minions! I will destroy all that you love! Bow
down before your new master! MUAHAHAHAHA! This is Glenn, may I help you?
Harv: Yes, I'm from Evil Overlords Illustrated, and...
Evil Glenn: Wow! EOI! Hey, I LOVED your last swimsuit issue! How did you ever get Saddam Hussein into a Wicked Weasel Bikini? Talk about not safe for work!
Harv: Yes, well, shoehorns & a tub of Parkay can work miracles, but
the reason I'm calling, Mr. Reynolds is that I'd like to interview you
for our next issue. We're doing piece called "Cute Animals: America's
Pestilence", and since your work with puppies is legendary, I wanted to
get some quotes. You know - how their death-screams are like a Mozart
concerto or some poetic crap like that.
Evil Glenn: More like Bach, but I take your meaning. Ask me anything, Mr... what did you say your name was?
Harv [reminding myself to give a fake name]: Harvey... DOH! Damn! Now my cover's blown!
Evil Glenn: I'm sorry, I was mixing up some Poodleberry punch. What was that?
Harv [thinking a little faster this time]: Uh, ORVEY! [ok, not MUCH faster]... and I said "oh man, this cover's your own". You won't have to share this issue's cover with anyone.
Evil Glenn: Orvey, huh?... That a Russian name?
Harv: Uh... Da.
Evil Glenn: Well, Orv, here's my story. I was born a poor black child...
Harv: Mr Reynolds...
Evil Glenn: WHAT?
Harv: This is for your fellow defilers of all that is good and pure,
not some stupid Alliance Filthy Lie assignment. Save the BS for the
Kerry sexual harrassment deposition.
Evil Glenn: Sorry. Force of habit. Lawyer, you know.
Harv: All too aware. Now let's get a little background on your past accomplishments, and...
Evil Glenn: When I was 12, I stuffed a French mime into a flaming trash
barrel. Found out Marcel Marceau could talk after all. Or at least
scream.
Harv: Mr. Reynolds...
Evil Glenn: WHAT? It's true!
Harv: Yes, but hardly evil.
You got a Congressional Medal of Honor for that one, as I recall. Look,
if you're not going to cooperate, I can get someone else. Castro's been
bugging the crap out of me for weeks, just begging for some ink. Keeps going on and on about this great kitten salsa recipe he's worked up, and...
Evil Glenn: Not Castro! He's the worst!
Harv: I thought you liked commies?
Evil Glenn: I do, but I'm more of a Mao man. Castro's such a tit by
comparison. Little pussy's barely even got a dozen nukes, and... oops -
wasn't supposed to mention that. This is off the record, right?
Harv: Totally. Anyway, let's get back on track here. What sort of evil awards have you won?
Evil Glenn: Well, there was that award from the Girl Scouts for selling the most cookies...
Harv: I said EVIL!
Evil Glenn: Ricin Mints & Ebola Delites.
Harv: Oh, you were with Hillary's troop. I stand corrected. What else?
Evil Glenn: Blackwell's Worst Dressed - Socks & Sandals Division.
Birkenstocks & knee-high whites. You know the kind I mean? The ones
with the frilly dingles hanging off the top?
Harv: My inner queer eye has never felt so violated. Go on.
Evil Glenn: There was that award I got for helping the homeless...
Harv: Gladys, get me Castro on line 2...
Evil Glenn: No! Wait! Let me finish! I got it for helping the homeless into the next life! Slice & Dice magazine even did a huge piece on my filleting technique!
Harv: Never mind, Gladys… Yeah, I remember that one. Heh. Those hobos looked like Picasso paintings. What a splatterfest! Intestines everywhere… and that "third eye" thing was a nice touch. Keep going.
Evil Glenn: The Trial Lawyers' Association Shyster of the Year Award for 12 years running.
Harv: Gladys, call Castro back…
Evil Glenn: WHAT? The TLA is the epitome of evil!
Harv: Yes, but there are certain limits to even our readership's depravity. I think we'd best not mention this one.
Evil Glenn: Ok, skip it. Can I at least mention that I won the Second Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?
Harv: Hmmm… and you received that for…?
Evil Glenn: Chernobyl didn't melt itself down, you know.
Harv: Ex-cellent.
Evil Glenn: Indeed. And there was my work at Jerry Lewis's last Muscular Dystrophy Association Telethon.
Harv: Thanks, Gladys. Hello?… Fidel?…
Evil Glenn: Geez, Orvey! You have the patience of an espressoed ferret! Look… one of my lesser-known hobbies is steamrollering cripples
in parking lots just to hear the sound of the their wheelchair spokes
breaking. Talk about MUSIC! If puppy screams are Bach, then that PING! PING! PING! is lovely, lovely Ludwig Van.
Harv: Ah, sweet Ultra-Violence. Anything else?
Evil Glenn: Yeah. My "Most Annoying Right-of-Center Blog of 2003" Award.
Harv: Ok, Glenn, that does it. I'm hanging up.
Evil Glenn: But WHY?
Harv: I'm sick of you trying to bullshit me like I'm some sort of OJ juror! EVERYONE knows that Misha got that award!
Evil Glenn: He STOLE that award! Do you have ANY idea how F******
annoying I am? With my "Hmmm" this, and my "Heh" that, and my "Indeed"
every-damn-other-thing? I'm so irritating people break out in hives at
the mere sight of my stupid sparking-antenna logo! It's not MY fault
that my readers are too illiterate to read more than the three words I
use! Hell, half of 'em send me hate mail for using a word with a second
syllable! You should see my inbox! If I had a nickel for every "BIG
WORD HARD MAKE BRAIN HURT" subject line, I'd be Bill freakin' Gates!
DAMN that insolent puppy and his brilliantly intelligent readership!
Damn him all to HELL! I should've blended him YEARS ago!
Harv: So… no award, then?
Evil Glenn: YOU SHUT UP! I'LL MURDER YOU DEAD!
Harv: Glenn, two things…
Evil Glenn: DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!
Harv: First, we're having a phone conversation, and I'm a thousand miles away from you, thus just beyond arm's reach.
Evil Glenn: …dead?
Harv: Second… I LIED! I'm NOT Orvey of Evil Overlords Illustrated. I'm
Harvey of Bad Money, and this IS a Filthy Lie assignment. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Evil Glenn: NOOOOO! MURDER! DEATH! KILL! TORTURE! MAYHEM! SLAUGHTER! DIE! DIE! D… wait a minute… does this mean I'm not going to make the cover of EOI?
Harv: Not as such, no.
Evil Glenn: … but Castro won't be on it either, right?
Harv: Well, no.
Evil Glenn: Eh. Ok. No problem, then. See you in hell, Currency Freak. [click]
Harv: What a cocky, pompous, overbearing asshole.
[ring]
Harv: Hello?
Evil Glenn: LAWYER! MUAHAHAHAHA! [click]
Oh, you'll pay for that one, Glenn. You. Will. Pay.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 6:12:39 PM permalink HOME
|
|
|
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:12:45 PM.
|
|
|
MAIN ARCHIVES
CATEGORY ARCHIVES
GRAFFITI CURRENCY
200 WORDS OR LESS
FILTHY LIES
LOVE NOTES
PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR
KING OF THE BLOGS
|
|
