Thursday, February 06, 2003

So Sue Me I know I haven't updated this site in a few days.  I'm sorry.  But for some of you, that just isn't enough.  I'm bound to hear from someone's lawyer that a lawsuit has been filed on their client's behalf because I have failed in my obligation to entertain them or keep them informed of what is going on in our silly little world.  Don't think it could happen?  People have been sued for more frivolous reasons.  For instance: A student recently sued so that his grade of an A can be changed to an A+.  Reminds me of the time a parent argued with me for half an hour about changing her daughter's grade on a project from a 90 to a 100.  Even though I showed the parent that if I changed the grade it would not affect her daughter's average one tiny bit, she still insisted that I change it.  I refused.  Come to think of it, I should have sued her for those thirty minutes of my life I'll never have back again. A couple of teenagers are suing McDonalds because it made them fat.  I got news for these lovely excuses for human beings:  unless Ronald McDonald was jamming quarter-pounders down your throats while Grimace held you down, it was YOU who got yourself into that shape (and by shape, I mean spherical), not the kid on the other side of the counter asking if you wanted to super size it (which, by the looks of things, you answered "yes" to quite frequently).  Maybe if you mixed in a few salads once in awhile, you might start to drop a few lbs.  Or got off the couch once in awhile.  Or, god forbid, stop inhaling Big Macs, you might, just might, see your toes again. Or how about suing from the grave?  One woman instructed her lawyer to sue the jail she was spending quality time in for allowing her to hang herself.  What the hell?  Did you or did you not want to die?  Why sue someone for not stopping you from doing what you want to do?  That's like suing the woman you got pregnant because she didn't stop you from having sex with her.  "Dammit, Jane!  Why didn't you keep me off of you!?!  You're gonna hear from my lawyer!!" Then there's the cost of silence.  The family of John Cage sued Mike Batt for essentially plagiarizing silence on a cd.  John Cage "wrote" a song in 1952 that was completly silent.  Mike Batt "wrote" a much shorter song that was completely silent.  Since they sound identical, Cage wins.  So a warning to all my musician friends:  don't just sit there with your instrument in your lap.  Play something!!  Otherwise you're ripping off John Cage. And finally, if you're a dumbass, by all means sue.  Two jackasses took a rock radio station (93.5 KORB of Quad City to be exact) up on their offer of $150,000 if they would have the radio station's logo tattooed across their foreheads.  Permanently.  The station meant it as a joke, thinking absolutely no one would be that stupid.  Wrong.  Not just one person was that stupid, but two!  Now these geniuses want their money.  How about suing for your self-esteem back? I'm a loser, baby, so I'm going to sue you.   Some lawsuits are worthwhile, though.  The best example I can give you is this:  if Michael Jackson ever sticks his tongue in your mouth, then by all means, sue.  Read at your own risk. 5:55:45 PM     |

© Copyright 2005 Alex L. Mauldin.