200 WORDS OR LESS:
Today's question comes from the U of Virginia Freshman entry application:
"What kind of diversity will you bring to U. Va.?"
We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
What you really want to know is whether letting me in will boost your minority body count.
Can't help you there. I'm white.
I'm "way too many Wisconsin winters spent indoors locked away from the sun's gentle, browning rays" white. Tubercular, nasty, pasty, white. Although "pasty" is actually a misnomer - I make paste look like coal tar.
In fact, I make Edgar Winter look like a Cuban refugee fresh from a 90-day flight-to-freedom inner-tube ride.
I'm "10 million candles per square inch let's blind Spock to kill the alien within" white.
I'm your worst whitemare.
But, on the bright side (heh), since I make everyone else look comparatively darker, when the Federal Diversity Monkeys do a black-count on your student body, you'll end up looking like Tuskegee University, and the government cash-for-coloreds checks will flow like Niagra.
So slap on your sunglasses, play that funky music, and welcome the Super-Honky.
posted by Harvey at 8:45:01 PM permalink HOME