SNARK SEASON! WABBIT SEASON! SNARK SEASON! WABBIT SEASON!

Ok, I guess it is snark season, because a whole bunch of them have been rounded up & shot over at Misguided Minioness Venomous Kate's place. My personal favorite would be the SmarterCop's expose on the women who you DON'T want taking their shirts off in public (yes, they exist *shudder*).

L.O.L.!

Sometimes I think the League of Liberals is a parody site. Or maybe they're just overcome with fits of honesty on occasion. Like in today's headline:

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BWAHAHAHAHA!

Yes. Yes you are.

*snicker*

2 BIRDS WITH ONE POST

Rising to my own challenge, I'm going to use my new vocabulary to make some taglines for the League of Liberals, in accordance with this week's Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment:

1) No intaxication for the working class

2) Hillary '04: Reintarnation for the masses

3) Home of the Bozone layer

4) Political foreployers welcome

5) Because higher taxes means less cashtration

6) Substituting giraffiti for reasoned argumentation

7) Unable to jump the conservative sarchasm

8) Follow our leadership, get the tax bill, get three jobs to pay it, inoculatte to keep up your strengh. Who says we don't have a plan for America?

9) No hipatitus here

10) Making osteopornosis a presidential candidate requirement since 1991

11) Crashing & burning in the great Karmageddon

12) Turning the American way of life into a decafalon, one stupid law at a time

13) Stroking your homeland defense glibido without blood for oil

14) Victims of the dopeler effect

15) Spouting an arachnoleptic fit of America-hatred

16) Hear our platform, get the caterpallor

17) Where ignoranuses gather to blather

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE - THEY'RE NOT JUST VICTIMS

I hear about Israel a lot. More specifically, things blowing up and killing innocent people in Israel. But outside of being a Nation victimized by horror, what have the Israelis done?

I support Israel, but I honestly can't answer the question. The only Israeli product I've ever bought was a chocolate bar, many years ago, which was horrid. Tasted like the only ingredients were sugar, cocoa, and a tiny bit of milk. Nasty.

But Bsurot Tovot is a web site dedicated to answering the question with something besides "bad chocolate". Interesting, enlightening, educational. Good job.

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE - HALF A VOTE IS BETTER THAN NONE

Having survived for many of my bachelor years only by the grace of whatever frozen entrees were on sale at the time, I can really relate to the first half of this NBS entry, Handbags & Bloodrags:

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There's one thing worse than being hungry and that's eating something when you're not. Especially when it isn't very nice. Like M&S 'Steam Cuisine' Sweet Chilli Chicken. The picture on the packaging shows sliced chicken on a bed of noodles with red chillies, onions and sugar snap peas (I hope the description is appreciated - I managed to cover myself in Whiskas cat food whilst retrieving the packet from the bin.) The reality is carrot strips, not very many noodles, carrot strips, some chicken, carrot strips, onions, an overdose of coriander, carrot strips, one sugar snap pea. Oh, and did I mention carrot [F******] strips...? Bleugh!

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Seriously, frozen dinner makers of America, what is the deal with the overdose of orange hell-shards in every single meal?

From here, though, the author does a tremendously non-sequitorial subject change by moving onto... Tampax-related issues.

EEEWWWWW!

So Yidaho gets half a vote on this one... well, ok, three-quarters, because I LOVE that picture in the upper left. I've never seen a better match-up of Blogtitle & photo.

QUICKIE FROM THE MRS.

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Another goodie from the "million times forwarded e-mail" pile, courtesy of currently blogless Beloved Wife. Who is NEVER an ignoranus. Although the woman in my previous post sure was:

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Gratuitous linkage to anyone who can use all 17 of these words in a nominally coherant post.

ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS

I was pulling Saturday morning duty at Ye Olde Banque, and shortly before closing time, an elderly woman came in and explained to me in a loud, angry voice that she just received the checks she ordered, and for the THIRD TIME, her name was misspelled. The following is a synopsis rather than quotes:

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I'm sorry to hear that, angry granny lady, but I have nothing to do with ordering checks, and the lady who does isn't here.

I don't care! Your bank is evil! I am angry! You are nearby! Therefore I will vent at you despite the ineffectiveness of such an activity! And I will threaten to close my tiny checking account, too. I hate you, evil banker man!

Really sorry you're having a bad day. Yes, our bank is evil. And yes, it's fun to beat up on peons to relieve your own sense of inadequacy as a human being. But no, I can't do shit about your checks. Check-problem-fixing lady will be in Monday. Come back then. Or better yet, why don't you try picking up the phone & saving yourself a trip.

You are evil! Your bank is evil! I will put a hex on you and destroy everything you love! DIE! DIE! DIE!

That's nice. See ya Monday!

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Heh. Jokes on her. I took Monday off...

But if I ever see that grouchy old hag again, I'm gonna be sure to have this handy. I'm pretty sure Susie will buy me one for Christmas if I ask nice.

WONDER IF THIS WAS EVIL GLENN IN DRAG?

Another one of those "forwarded a million times" e-mails sent to me by my currently blogless Beloved Wife. She thinks we should try this. She's so naughty:

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GOOD NEWS IN IRAQ

Oddly enough, the old media isn't beating the drum on these. Huh. Go figure. Must be too busy making movies about Ronald Reagan or something.

Anway, Matt O'Blackfive says:

... there's a new children's clinic

... a school opened

... a water treatment plant is running

... and local democratic elections are taking place.

Harv's icy conservative heart = warmed.

ALL GAVE SOME, SOME GAVE ALL

In Iowa, there is a boulder. A man who loves his country used it as his canvas.

Behold.

(via currently blogless Beloved Wife)

GIVE ONE, TAKE ONE

You've probably heard by now that lefty asshats have made a movie about Ronald Reagan. Yup, nothing like kicking a sick, senile old man while he's laying helpless & unable to respond to whatever crap you want to make up. From what I understand, it's a pure & simple hatchet job. More simple than pure, strictly speaking. Or as they say themselves: "This is not a vendetta, this is not revenge," they told the New York Times. "It is about telling a good story in our honest sort of way."

"Honest sort of"... Why is it that he felt he needed to put those last 2 words in there? I'm no deconstructionist, but to me this phrase means, "we lied at random moments when we felt like it." Go ahead. Make the substitution & read it again.

Well, Steve of Little Tiny Lies tells a story about Barbara Streisand in his honest sort of way:

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Jimbo[James Brolin, who plays Reagan]: Babs...

Babs: "Miss Streisand."

Jimbo: Miss Streisand, the toilets are clean, and now I'm ready to start filing your corns.

Babs: "Exalted corns."

Jimbo: "Exalted corns." And when we're done with that, I'll go get the blackhead extractor. This week, we're doing the left side of your nose.

Babs: [kicking off her shoes] Is the pool clean?

Jimbo: Yes. It took me quite a while to get your back hairs out of the filter, but I managed. Miss Streisand, I think I've been very good lately...

Babs: Is there some reason why you're not filing?

Jimbo: [kneeling and filing] I've been really good lately, and I haven't asked for a raise in my allowance...

Babs: Get to the point.

Jimbo: Didn't you promise me you'd eventually find me some acting work?

Babs: When I said that, I was referring to the faces I require you to make when we make love.

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Plenty more o' the good stuff at LTL.

WOULD THE LAST SIGN READ "NRA"?

Jed of Boots & Sabers points out these new signs that are popping up on roadsides:

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This is a neat idea.

Heading east, what motorists see is:

"Dialed 911,

"And I'm on hold,

"Sure wish I had,

"That gun I sold."

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The reactions of some folks is *sigh* familiar and stupid and Jed discusses them both intelligently and briefly. Oh, and by intelligently, I mean rudely & dismissively, as such things deserve.

Those of you unfamiliar with the old Burma-Shave brushless shaving cream "series of tiny signs on the side of the road" ad campaign, should check out some of the goodies in the collection. Here's a sample of that:

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The whale
Put Jonah
Down the hatch
But coughed him up
Because he scratched
Burma-Shave

He tried
To cross
As fast train neared
Death didn't draft him
He volunteered
Burma-Shave

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LOTS more where those came from.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

"If ever there was a man who felt he had found the secret to perfecting his life it is I... I have found it in you. You have unfolded like a beautiful butterfly, becoming more than I ever imagined... you are forever adding balance to my life and clearing my vision."

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY


The Bartender was thrilled to pieces when he found this in his tip jar. He started running around the joint, bragging about how "it looks like the old Barkeep's gonna see some action pretty soon". Little did he know that it was FattySue who dropped it in there.

LIFE SINCE FRIDAY

Here's what happened. First, I got home & found out that my Outlook Express, my normal e-mail program, would not open. It would start, then hang, and that was it.

I got a little panicky, since I had to do the Evil Glenn Halloween Round-up at HQ & all the entries were in my e-mail program.However, something similar had happened a couple weeks ago, and I discovered then that my files were fine & that I could import them to MS Outlook. Last time, that was all it took to fix the problem & OE was working fine again. This time, however, although I did manage to get all my e-mail back, OE has yet to recover. And, honestly, I won't ever trust that bastard program again.

Fine, e-mail issues resolved. Then I go to post this cute little answer to Joey's "Why haven't you given blood?" question. It's in 2 parts, and they need to be linked together in order for the joke to work.

Naturally, THAT'S when Radio gets all wonky on me. I was down for almost 24 hours without being able to post, and there were no permalinks for the Oct. 31 entries (you know, the ones that DESPERATELY NEEDED permalinks to be any good?).

Late yesterday afternoon, everything was working fine again, through no effort of my own. I guess I should be happy, but what pissed me off was that Radio has a discussion board instead of any kind of real tech support, and I found no indication that anyone had ever had a similar problem when I searched the archives. So I'm pissed off & frustrated, still hadn't voted in the NBS, and wasn't sure if the problem was mine or Radio's or if I'd have to move back to Blogspot or what. Not a good place to be.

So, with my blog working again, I got a few quickies up, but before I could get to blogging my backlog, it was time to go to a Halloween party. Damn. Stupid real life.

Ya know, the only problem with writing a mostly-humor blog is that no one believes you when you tell the truth about odd events. For example, if I tell you that the party included such items as handcuffs, body shots from other people's wives, tiny witch hats, tequila & wheelchairs, you'll probably just think I'm off being silly & talking dirty.

Swear it happened, though.