ANTI-WAR PROTESTERS ARE IDIOTS

Sure, you already knew that, but Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has a short & damn funny post explaining why. 30 seconds tops. Treat yourself.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You don't hold any mystery for me, darling... You don't.

There isn't a particle of you I don't know, remember, and want.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



"and Hillary Clinton said, "Who are you, Emperor, and why are you giving me a ClueBat enema?" And he said, "I am MISHA, whom you are REALLY pissing off!"

- From the Slightly Revised New American Standard Version

YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSS!

All four of my blog-buddies (the 2 blogs listed above & the 2 listed below me on the Alliance HQ blogroll) voted in the New Blog Showcase!

1) Kevin of Eckernet came out of a 2-month hiatus just for the occasion. Sadly, I can't find the permalink to show off his vote, so I'll just link this far-more-entertaining piece from his old stuff "The end of the internet".

2) Physics Geek of physicsgeek. Ugh. That entry sucks, too. Let's try some alcohol warning labels.

3) Matty O'Blackfive. Eh, well, he's Irish. Whaddya expect? He's better when he's explaining why Clark is slimy little turdgoblin.

4) The ever-delectable Susie of Practical Penumbra. She's got the sweetest box in the blogosphere...

Wait... did that sound dirty? Nevermind.

So... how did YOUR blog-buddies do?

JOEY SHOULD BE SICK MORE OFTEN

Because the Single White Male seems to have picked up Frank J's funny as well as the flu, as he shares his list of things you should know about the flu. (Nov 30, CTRL+F "eighteen") Here's a sample:

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4. Robitussin is not related to Robocop.

5. If you eat cocoa with a spoon, it's like chocolate soup!

6. Comedian Dane Cook says that soup is just wet food.

7. I probably passed the flu along to my brother. Sorry, bro.

8. I know this is beside the point, but this brilliant idea came to me while I was taking a bath while I had the flu. We should take PeTA members, infect them with debilitating and terminal diseases, and then try out experimental, potentially dangerous drugs on them.

9. I got that idea because my shampoo bottle says "This product not tested on animals" on it.

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And he even managed to crawl off his death bed long enough to vote in the New Blog Showcase. I wish all Alliance members were that dedicated.

BUG LOVE

After the female praying mantis mates with her partner, she then eats him. The female hooks her deadly arms around him and slowly nibbles away at him during copulation.

Sometimes she doesn't even wait until after sex to make him her next meal, but his sex drive is so strong that he can keep going even while being eaten.

Hmmm... sounds familiar...

I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE...

...you.

As Feces Flinging Monkey points out, there have been some frightening advances in miniature camera technology (article titled "Smile!" in the right hand column):

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Take a look at figure 4 on page 10 of this document, How To Find Hidden Cameras. Do you understand it? It shows how to hide the lens of a tiny camera behind an LED.

If you are reading this on your computer, there is probably a small, familiar, green LED right in front of your face, right now, at the bottom of your monitor. I'd bet you could look around the room and see another one, right from where you are sitting. You've probably passed dozens of these things as you went through your day today, not even noticing them at doorways, cash registers, aisle displays, thermostats, wall switches, credit card readers, smoke alarms, and so on. Any one of those could be a camera. For at least a few of you, some of them probably were.

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I just hope Evil Glenn doesn't get ahold of this, or Susie might have to give up braless blogging.

POLITICAL THANKSGIVING

Over the past few days, I've watch the lefties tie themselves in knots trying to put a bad spin on Bush's trip to Baghdad to spend Thanksgiving with the troops. Fairly amusing.

Then I heard that Hillary went to Afghanistan for Thanksgiving, and I found myself on the horns of a dilemma. How do I criticize Hillary's trip without coming off as petty as those liberal asswoops?

Turns out I needn't have worried, because the Emperor has it pretty well sussed out:

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Hillary to Troops: Support for War Fading

In a demoralizing message to U.S. soldiers serving in Iraq, visiting New York Sen. Hillary Clinton told them that Americans back home are growing increasingly skeptical of President Bush's decision to send them into battle.

"Aid and comfort", anybody?

Describing two meetings with G.I.s over turkey dinners in Baghdad, Sen. Clinton told reporters later that soldiers wanted to know "how the people at home feel about what we are doing."

...and the syphilitic sow saw a perfect opportunity to undermine the resolve and morale of our troops halfway around the globe, hopefully bringing about a lot of U.S. deaths that her friends, the Nine Nazgul, could march into office over.

Clinton said she told the troops, "Americans are wholeheartedly proud of what you are doing but there are many questions at home about the (Bush) administration's policies."

She also suggested that the U.S. could eventually lose the war in Iraq, contending, "We have to exert all of our efforts militarily, but the outcome is not assured."

It certainly isn't, as long as we have Benedict Clintons like you marching around aiding and abetting our enemies for personal gain.

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Somewhere in the rest of it, you'll find the words "Clinton" & "honest" in the same sentence.... What next? Flying pigs?

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE OOOIIIIILLLLL!

In the comments to this post at Susie's place, I discovered the REAL cause of global warming.

Heat it up, girl ;-)

GOOD LOOKIN', BUT SO WHAT?

I got suckered into watching the first episode of the new "reality TV" series, Average Joe. My wife told me, "you have to see the look on her face when she sees that the men competing for her attention aren't devastatingly handsome."

Fine.

So I sit through until "that moment", when the first homely guys steps off the bus.

Crap. I've gotten that look before.

Fortunately, she recovered quickly and managed to be gracious to the rest of the contenders.

Looks like Don of Anger Management was bored that night, too, (not to mention several other nights as well), but he actually did something about it. He wrote an insightful analysis on the interpersonal dynamics illustrated in the series. I especially liked this part:

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Now, assuming a girl finds you attractive, you have an in. She’s open to getting to know you, but you will live or die based on your personality and how compatible it is with hers.

There is another point here. In this particular case, Melana was at first forced to choose between relatively unattractive men, meaning she was more open to getting to know people whom she might not have initially thought good looking. But as the game went on and she got to know them, those whom she liked because of their personality also, in her eyes, became more physically attractive.

You’ve probably noticed this in your own experience. The better you get to know and like someone, the better they start to look. Amazing, isn’t it?

The point is, physical attraction helps get your foot in the door, but that's it. On the other hand, if you can get your foot in the door without looks, you still have a chance given that mental / emotional / spiritual attraction breeds physical attraction.

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He makes plenty of other good points along the way, so treat yourself to the rest of the entry.

BILL WHITTLE SPEAKS

And this time he manages to keep it merely Den Bestian in length. Even though it will take you less than a week to read it, it's still a good effort for the man who is worth reading for a solid week, just for the sheer joy brought about from soaking in his unapologetic Americanism:

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Here’s a math quiz for you:

During the 30-odd years he was in power, Saddam Hussein murdered at least 300,000 of his own people. These are the ones we are finding in mass graves in Iraq. Another 300,000 – at least – were killed in his war with Iran and his two conflicts with the US. Those are bare-bones, undeniable, non-speculative, minimums.

That darling arithmetic works out to no less than 20,000 people a year killed by that lunatic, or about 1,700 people a month.

So how many innocent people have not died as a result of the Iraq war?

I get about 13,000 so far.

Thirteen thousand is about the size of a good basketball game. Perhaps we can convince the Lakers to play a charity game against the Spurs, say. Then we can put 13,000 Iraqi men, women and children into the Staples Center, and make Michael Moore and Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, George Clooney, The Dixie Chicks, Janeane Garofalo, and every single person who signed the Not in Our Name petition kill those people in cold blood – electrodes, acid baths or shredders, to get the full effect, although the weak-stomached should be allowed to merely shoot them in the back of the head.

Because that is exactly what would have happened

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Whittle. Rocks.

BILL WHITTLE'S BASTARD LOVE CHILD SPEAKS

And I mean that as a compliment. Vanderleun goes on at delicious length in a muse on the topic of American Empire.

First he takes his good, sweet time ripping a series of new ones for various mouthy Hollywood asshats, from which I extract this tiny excerpt:

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Those who are passing for "celebrities who think" are also just passing. But in their passing, like comets on a last plunge into the sun, they throw off bright plumes of hot gas against the limitless space of their ignorance. Will Tim Robbins be remembered more for his films or his feeble notions of "free speech?" Neither. He'll be lucky to be a footnote in a pass/fail master's thesis at USC in the year 2022. No, not even the dulcet tones of that aged harridan Barbra can save America for the love she so richly wants to absorb into her far-too ample self.

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which melts delectably into this sunshiny thought:

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It is said that we can't kill all the terrorists in the world, but I have a great faith in the ability of the ammunition factories of this democracy's arsenals to tool up to the task. I think it is about time that, as Empires do, we start to push the general concept towards various belligerent nations with more testosterone than sense that if they don't like our Stealth bombers, they'll really hate our ballistic missile submarines. I hope we will not have to arrange a demonstration, but considering the mentality we are dealing with it would not surprise me if we did.

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Set aside a good 10-15 minutes & read the whole thing. It'll give you the happy shivers.

PGH DONKTIONARY DEFINITIONS

My answers for this week's Precision Guided Humor assignment:

Write some definitions for the Donktionary.

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Anti-American: Stifling the dissent of brave anti-war protesters by demonstrating their idiocy via facts or logic

Appeasement: The only effective strategy for dealing with terrorists

Bigotry: Speaking while white

Censorship: Not watching "Bowling for Columbine"

Conservative: Non-communist

Diversity: Having every color of the rainbow in your organization. NOTE: White is not a color

Europe: Where to look for models of governmental wisdom. No fair asking why I don't just move there

Fox News: AAAAAHHHHH! Satan!

Fundamentalist: Dangerous, enthusiastic believer in the correctness of a religion. Islam doesn't count.

Halliburton: Evil corporate war profiteer

Jingoism: Saying "America" without spitting

Lie: see Fox News

Liberal: an inaccurate smear concocted by narrow-minded conservatives to describe "mainstream Americans"

Mainstream: the beliefs of average Americans, as reported by ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and the New York Times

NPR: Fair and balanced

Oil: Cause of war and environmental destruction. I just wish my Volkswagen didn't leak so much of it.

Patriot: One who points out the continuing deception of the un-elected Bush Adminstration

Quagmire: Any war not started by a Democratic president, except for Viet Nam, which John Kerry bravely served in.

Racism: Any opinion voiced by a damn cracker-ass honky.

Tolerance: Not immediately beating the crap out of any damn cracker-ass honky who starts spouting racism.

UN: Help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are our only hope

Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Lies and the lying liars who tell them

Weapons of Mass Destruction: Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical weapons possessed by oppressive regimes not headed by
badly-moustached dictators - such as America.

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SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

THANKSGIVING DILEMMA

Joey, of Single White Male posted a real poser for his weekly question (Nov 26, CTRL+F "vegan"):

Some kin of yours invites you over for Thanksgiving dinner and when you get there, much to your dismay you discover a totally vegan Thanksgiving! You don't want to give thanks for tofu and rice. What do you do? What do you do?

Well, there are 10 basic strategies:

1) Yell "fire!" and escape in the ensuing confusion.

2) Let the stuff "accidentally" fall down inside the front of your shirt as you go to take a bite.

3) Spit it on top of the ceiling fan when no one is looking.

4) Binge/purge supermodel style!

5) Just pack it into your cheeks like a squirrel & try not to talk too much.

6) Plenty of good hiding spots under the gravy boat.

7) Act offended that innocent plants were harmed to make the meal and refuse to partake.

8) Start a food fight.

9) Eat your fill, but remember to cut Aunt Hippy & Uncle Dippy out of your will, first thing in the morning.

10) Chew, swallow, plot bloody vengeance, repeat.

BUBBLE ON

Just as my poor dog was about to collapse from exhaustion, J of Quibbles & Bits finally managed to get the rest of "The Bubble" posted.

Little girl, lost in the woods...

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Amber Whitney sat under a sycamore and thought about her situation. She felt the roil and rumble of her empty tummy, and tried to think, to be sensible when she felt the panic welling. That’s what her mother had said -- Be sensible! -- when Amber had started to panic before.

Be Sensible.

But Sensible didn’t come easily to her. The trees towered over her, blotting the sky, a Rorschach of dark leaves and branches. Amber sat with her back to the trunk and looked into the slivers of blue visible through the branches.

What time is it? She asked herself. I should have worn my watch! She chastised herself. She never wore it for play, afraid of breaking the pretty mechanical watch her father had given her for her tenth birthday.

A faint crack echoed from behind the tree. Her eyes darted back and forth, wide with worry and indistinct fear. Amber spun against the sycamore and pressed herself to the ground, her cheek squishing into the unexpected softness of the damp trunk. Tiny flakes of bark embedded themselves in her fair skin. Her fingers dug into the damp, flaking bark as she tensed, trying to see through the tree instead of peeking around. The cracking came again.

“Be sensible,” Amber ordered herself. She clenched her eyes closed and eased her head around the tree trunk.

“Be Sensible” she whispered. She forced her eyes open.

--

The delicious terror wafted through the trees, as wondrous to its senses as baking bread to a hungry man. It would have drooled at the marvelous sensations washing through its pleasure centers, if it had a mouth. Instead, it pulsed gently, a pale glimmer, almost invisible in the shadows of the forest, but present nonetheless.

It drifted closer. She was terrified, and it savored the fear washing from her tiny body.

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Go feed... uh, read the whole thing. With the lights on.

And J, just because you gave me a cameo in the story doesn't mean you're off the hook. You still owe poor Jake a little something.

POKING & PRODDING

The LoL is only at about 2/3 voting this week. Since there's no real football today, i.e. the Packers aren't playing, I'll be dropping lines to a lot of the Alliance non-voters during that useless 12-3 period. Feel free to join in the fun.

As I've said before - nagging works.

SPECIFIC DOUCHEBAGGERY

No, it's not just General Douchebaggery anymore. I learned (via the Frank J. man-love-pic-posting evil minioness and Alliance Deep Cover Agent, Codename: Jen) that a small group of League of Liberals members are cross-posting Sitemeters from other blogs to artificially inflate their hit counts in the Ecosystem. The Bear is disappointed by this development and is threatening suspensions.

To their credit, certain members of the League of Liberals are appalled by this behavior (per the comments to the Bear's post), like Kynn and NTodd.

UPDATE: Douchebag offers counterproposal to Bear.

UPDATE 7PM: Counterproposal sucks. 4 out of 5 douchebags banned from Ecosystem. LoL traffic drops 34% instantly.

WHERE I WAS LAST NIGHT INSTEAD OF BLOGGING

It was 7pm, & I was all set to do a solid evening's worth of blogging. I went to go check in with the Mrs. real quick before I sealed myself off from the real world. However, while in the living room, I spotted Nicholas Cage on the TV making a "business deal" with a young black thug with a pistol.

Intriguing.

Well,  I figured it's a two hour movie & it'll be done by 9pm, so still plenty of blogging time.

But two things I didn't count on. First, those rat-bastard network execs padded on over a solid hour of commercials. Second, "Family Man" has a "take me to the airport" decision moment in there that changes lives forever. Coincidentally, I had had a similarly life-altering moment of decision early in the romantic history of myself and Beloved Wife. I told her as much after the movie ended.

Somewhere around that time, the decision was made to live a new love note instead of posting an old one.