ALL RIGHT, I'LL KISS YOU, BUT NO TONGUE

Stephen J. King, of Quibbles & Bits, after surviving a brutal tennis-ball pummelling from an unknown source, finished writing his short story "A Thousand Tongues".

Quite a ride. Here's how it was for me:

Tongues? That's just silly. But it's J, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt & suspend disbelief for a little while until I see where he's going with it...

"mouth meat"? Wait... is this supposed to be a comedy piece? This is really silly.

Wait... this isn't funny anymore. Uh, J, this is starting to get really creepy and disturbing and kinda scary

[ending] = shivering spine

I'm hoping that all this drooling fan-boy stuff will get me an autographed copy of his first book. If not, at least for now I get to read his stuff for free. I'm gonna enjoy this ride while it lasts.

I AM NOT A NUMBER! I'M A FREE MAN!

 

Patrick McGoohan plays a man who resigns from a top secret position and is abducted from his London home. He finds himself in a beautiful village where everything is bright and cheerful - the people, their clothes, the buildings, the flowers. But despite this rosey exterior, the village serves a sinister purpose. People are forcibly brought there in order to have their valuable knowledge protected or extracted. Everyone in the Village is assigned a number instead of a name - the Prisoner is Number Six.

-(from the Prisoner Appreciation web site)

Why do I bring this up? Because the League of Liberals [current tagline: "all opinions are welcome as long as they're ours"] did exactly what I expected them to. After I pointed out that their previous logo made them look quite foolish, they took it down and replaced it with something different:

Yeah, I'm sure those are supposed to be lens flares from some light source, but I thought they looked familiar. Just a coincidence, I'm sure.

"everything is bright and cheerful... but... the village serves a sinister purpose"

"It takes a village to raise a child"

Hmmm.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Wherever I am right now, I'd rather be standing behind you, kissing your neck.

Love,

Harv

[NOTE: I actually wrote this one myself]

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

Taking a look at the official League of Liberals "BS" toteboard, I see that, so far in the month of November, they've managed to make up 1,459,531 lies about the Bush administration.

YES, YES, THE RULER, PLEASE, I'VE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY

When I was in 9th grade, we had this one English teacher who was 30-something, petite, well-shaped, shoulder-length, curly blonde hair, and single. She also had a habit of wearing dresses that allowed a tiny peek of cleavage in addition to plenty of leg. Very distracting. The only thing I ever really learned in that class was how to walk into and out of the room while holding my books in a manner that provided, *ahem* camoflage for my, uh, "interest" in the class.

Which might go far toward explaining why I find this post from Susie so enthralling. The other part of it is the sheer joy of watching a rude little beastie of a comment troll get beaten about the head & shoulders by the rules of grammar. Which is only fair, since the stupid drooler ignored the rules of blog courtesy by crapping on someone else's living room carpet, polluting sweet Susie's bandwidth by making personal attacks on the hostess. I know Susie, she's a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, sweet (and well-endowed, but that's beside the point) person who will take the time to make reasoned arguments if you'd care to discuss a point rationally.

But when you cross her, the lady-like lace gloves come off & the next thing you know, you're getting your grammar corrected. IN DETAIL. The justice is delightful. If you don't care enough to write a coherant sentence, don't expect a response that treats you as though you've made a coherant argument. The commenter deserved no respect, and Susie delivered same.

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Goodness, where do I begin?
No Miss f.e.t.e i think its is you who has to get her head outa her huge crack, cuz that heads been there obviously for quiet some time.

Rendered in proper English, this sentence should be: No, Miss F.E.T.E., I think it's you who has to get her head out of her huge crack, because that head's [obviously] been there for quite some time.

Note that commas are used to set off the appositive, the personal pronoun is capitalized, the apostrophe is required to turn "its" from the possessive to "it's" the contraction of "it is", "outa" and "cuz" are not proper contractions, "heads" needs an apostrophe to become the contraction for "that head has" rather than the plural of "head" and, although I am sure it is relatively "quiet" in one's "huge crack", I suspect that "quite" was the intended modifier for "some time". The adverb "obviously" also needed to be shifted to its correct place in front of the words it is modifying.

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More available at the link.

UPDATE (11-8-03 9:30pm): In an effort to be named the official "Teacher's Pet" of Practical Penumbra, I took the liberty of grading the paper (280k jpg). Please make me stay after school, Susie...

NOTE TO SELF: DON'T F*** BRITNEY

Proving once again that he deserves his spot on my list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than", Don of Anger Management continues the saga of the future history of his life. Sure, there's 5 parts, but part 2 is as good a place to start as any. Besides, I need an excuse to have these words on my blog, since I'll never come up with anything this good on my own:

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I looked at Helen in disbelief. “You’re pregnant?”

“No Don. I said you never listen.”

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Drink alert when headed to Don's place is implicit.

TIME SPENT SLEEPING 8:00:01

DIANGNOSIS: DEPRESSION

Sometimes, when you're randomly surfing, you come across things that are complete wastes of your time. Trouble is, you can never get those minutes back. So what do you do? Give that time-waster a good blogging. That'll fix 'em.

Plus, it's entertaining for the rest of us. Brian Noggle came across the Depression Risk Quiz (look down the list a bit for the link), and takes it apart frame by frame, handling questions such as:

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1. I feel sad most of the time

Most of the time? No one told me this was going to be a math test.

Let's see, I spend a third of my time sleeping, so that means if I spend half my waking time sad, that's only 33% and not most. Let's see, I spend 14% of my waking time angry at the crazy other drivers, and 32% furious at thoughtless cretins in the government or who want to get into the government who would dictate my life better than I do, 10% in alcohol-fueled mellowness, 2% in alcohol-fueled blackouts (wherein I could be sad, to be honest, but this is only 2% against the total), and 18.5% of the time in vague meloncholy (is that sadness? What are the parameters for sad?).

Is that 100% of the 67%....aw, just put down No and then click Submit. Interesting button choice. Submit!

...3 I sleep too little or too much

That about covers my life. Sometimes, I stay up until midnight writing even though I get up at five to go to work, and then when I am on vacation, it's arise at ten, nap from noon until one, nap from five till six, and then go to bed at one or two. The Good Life.

Kinda funny that if I don't get exactly the right amount of sleep might be a sign of depression. Might also be a sign of ambition or a life.

At any rate, I must click Yes.

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My favorite is question 5. I really can't believe that one's on there.

ODE TO AN ASSHAT

Rachel Corrie was an American hippy Palestinian terrorist sympathizer. During some stupid protest or another in, what? Gaza? I forget. Anyway, she stood in front of a bulldozer to prove her point. The bulldozer kept coming and proved its point - don't stand in front of bulldozers unless you're a bigger bulldozer. A little chlorine for the gene pool. Everyone's happy, right?

Apparently not. Sombody was so sad that they wrote a tear-jerking song about her. Boo-hoo-hoo.

The Emperor re-wrote it.

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The Death of Rachel Corrie
David Rovics

When she sat down in the dirt
In front of your machine

"I gunned my engine 'till it hurt,
And charged into the ravine."

A lovely woman dressed in red
You in military green

"A loony bint soon to be dead,
'Neath the treads of my machine."

If you had met her in Jerusalem
You might have asked her on a date

"And then we'd both have been blown up,
By her friends and their perverted hate."

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Drink alert in effect.

And speaking of which, Rachel inspired another song that I learned about from the Emperor, this one to the tune of the Beatles' "Come Together":

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Come Together

Here come old dozer he come grooving up slowly
He got joo-joo eyeball he one big bulldozer
She got hair down to her knee
Got to be a joker she just do what she please

He take no bullshit he got armor sidewall
He got throttle lever he crush dumb protestor
He say "I know you, you bisquick"
One thing I can tell you is you goin’ to be goo
Caterpillar, right now, over me

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I left 2 more stanzas for you back at Misha's Palace. Plus the bonus track of the "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" re-mix.

MUST. HAVE. TOY.

I don't ride motorcycles. I don't even like motorcycles. But I want the one American Digest is showing off, just because it's got that stupidly-dangerous look to it.

SO THAT'S WHAT GLENN REALLY WANTS...

Frizzen Sparks already completed his new Filthy Lie assignment for the Alliance. You don't even want to have fluids in the same room with you when you read his personals ad for Evil Glenn.

I just couldn't wait until Friday to share.

CURSE YOU MATT O'BLACKFIVE!

...for introducing me to Dismount. Geez, there's 2 hours of my life I won't get back.

88,000 though. Mheh.

JUST BECAUSE I REALLY REALLY HATE COMMIES...

...and the only thing I hate more than a commie is commie-sympathizers who try to make communism sexy, I will now direct you to look at a picture at American Digest that mocks the unmockable commie saint Che Guevera.

Vanderleun, you're the best.

BAD HAIR DAY TO END ALL BAD HAIR DAYS

Picture is over at Wizbang for his weekly caption contest. I can't describe it. It's a visual.

And the captions are a hoot, so check the comments there.

LOOK! OVER THERE! AN AUSTRALIAN WHO DOESN'T WRESTLE CROCODILES!

Simon of Simon World has his interview up at Deep Cover Agent, Code Name: Jen's place. He's an Australian living in Hong Kong and.... well, actually, that's his biggest bragging point, but at least he knows how to answer interview questions:

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Translate the following into Chinese: I would gladly pay you Tuesday, for a hamburger today.

The quesiton shows an appalling lack of understanding. There is no one Chinese language. There are many dialects, with Mandarin the main language, but Cantonese the language of Hong Kong and the one I am grappling with. Neverthless, I will try to translate:

"Hey, Giles, it's your shout for lunch, McDonald's is across the road."

[...]

What was your favorite childhood toy?

My little brother. He bounced. He rolled. He lost a lot. But somehow he learnt how to talk and fight back. I still can't get the store to take him back.

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Beloved Wife, time for you to hit this man up for Australia info.

DANA: AMERICA'S #1 PIN-UP LIBRARIAN...

... has a top ten list of the top 10 books on the DNC reading list. My 2 favorites that I'm putting on my Christmas list this year are:

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 I Don't Have a Prayer, by Dennis Kucinich

The Really Complete History of America, Including the Years I Spent in Vietnam, by John Kerry

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Although you might prefer one of the other 8, so you should probably check the list out yourself.

WHEN CATS ATTACK

Susie's cat has a tendency to sprawl out on the floor directly behind her, acting as a four-legged & fuzzy booby trap for when she turns around (I recommend you go there, because her description of the visual is quite smile-worthy). She asks whether the cat does this because he's a stealth ninja assassin, or because he's got a quirky sense of humor.

Personally, I'm going with the "he thinks it's funny" answer. Mostly because my horse-dog, Jake, does the same thing to my wife all the time. I love Jake dearly, but he's just WAY too stupid & clumsy to be a ninja.

Besides, doesn't this really sound like the sort of practical joke that a man would find endlessly amusing?