UDAY & QUSAY'S LAST WORDS

The Precision Guided Humor round-up has been posted at HQ, and there's some brutally funny stuff to be found. Samples from my favorites:

Trey:

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9. Qusay: laughing So, then Timmy goes, “TIMMY!” And… laughing harder I guess you just have to see it.

Uday: Are you high?

10. We fight for FREEDOM! No. Wait. How does it go again?

11. Two bottles of beer on the wall… Two bottles of beer… take one down-- AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!

12. Qusay: Wow. You brought a ton of money! Ew. Why does it smell like this.

Uday: Smiles, remembering how only a few shorts days ago he was rolling naked in that money with his beloved camel, Brenda.

13. Uday and Qusay together: in the dark, spinning, and chanting bloodymarybloodymarybloodymary…

14. Uday: I know we’re going to win and all, but do you think we should have brought so much Iraqi currency?

Qusay: Dude, we won’t spend that money. We’ll sell it to this guy on the internet who uses it on his website. He’ll pay top dollar… AMERICAN dollar!

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Graumagus:

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For the precision guided humor assignment this week, the alliance asked it's members to come up with Uday & Qusay's last words. I had a hard time with this, because It's hard to make anything that these roaches did seem funny. To get through this, I had to go into Suess mode:

American Commander: "Open fire we will do, if down your guns you have not threw, and come out hands up and try no trick, you better do this, do it quick!"

Uday: "Qusay what shall we do, they have us stuck, stuck like glue, peer outside and tell me right, the force they use to bind us tight."

Qusay: "Hummvees with machine guns mounted, hundreds of soldiers I have counted, many gunships out there flying, if we run I think we're dying!
Tanks with TOW missiles I have spied, are snipers out there, do they hide? They left no escape route overlooked, my brother I think that we're cooked."

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and Physics Geek:

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#4
----
Uday: Toto, it looks like we're not in Kansas anymore.
Qusay: Would you STOP those stupid Wizard of Oz references! There driving me in- ::BOOM::

#5
----
Uday: Do you think Satan remembers the contracts we signed with him?
Qusay: I dunno, but I've got a bad feeling about the demon over there with the 20 foot spiked penis who just mentioned the two unused prophylactics over in our corner of the room. ::BOOM::

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Whatever you do, DON'T cheat yourself out of the rest of Graumagus' answer.

HOW TO F*** COMMENT SPAMMERS FOR FUN & PROFIT

I ran across this at Quibbles & Bits, and it's the best idea since Privacy Manager.

DON THE T-SHIRT PIMP

I guess Frank J.'s bad habit of being a T-shirt telemarketer is contagious, because Don of Anger Management is using his Survivor game blog to make the contestants do his T-shirt designing for him.

Lazy bastard.

Oh well, I have to admit that they're all pretty good. Except for number 2, which just sucks. But I especially liked number 5. That little beard on the stick-figure guy just kills me.

Go vote. You've got about 30 seconds before the poll closes.

KING OF THE HILL BLOGS

Patriot Paradox is hosting a blogging tournament (update 1, update 2, update 3). Briefly, 6 lab rat blogs will be doing writing assignments, with the winner chosen by an all-star panel of judges. Sadly, I'm too tragically unhip to be a judge, and too big to be a player (gotta be sub-mammal in the Ecosystem). However, this reminds me a lot of the fun I had while participating in Frank J's Super Happy Lucky Fun Permalink contest, where I first launched my way to stardom (or annoying jerkdom - whichever). So I'll be keeping an eye on this one and, who knows? I may even play along at home.

You may have heard of "Affirmative Action Bake Sales". That’s where conservative groups on various college campuses hold a bake sale, and charge different prices for the baked goods based on the race of the purchaser, (for example - Whites $1.00, Hispanics $.75, Blacks $.50). The idea is to point up the absurdity of Affirmative Action preferences.

On some campuses, the powers that be have shut the activity down for being having too much free speech… or something… I forget.

As Jed of Boots & Sabers points out, The Young Conservatives group at Texas A&M is holding one soon, and are lucky enough to have an administration that has read & understood the First Amendment. The sale will not be interfered with.

However, some of the local colored racist gangs have voiced their outrage. This quote just makes me giggle (emphasis added):

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As Jed says, "So you're going to protest their "not taking other people's opinions and views into consideration" by not taking their opinions and views into consideration?"

NOT JUST FUNNY - HE'S PRACTICAL, TOO

In the midst of Frank J's Bite-Sized wisdom I discovered this gem:

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* That Tom Tomorrow comic about chickenhawks made me be a bit introspective: am I a horrible chickenhawk? When the attack on 9/11 occurred, I thought that some big war was coming, and I informed my boss that, if they made the call for more recruits, I'd have to quit my job and join up. When that never happen, I considered doing the reserves or National Guard, but that takes like weeks of training and sounds hard. What I'd be willing to do, though, is use a week of my own vacation to do some quick training, fly over to the Middle East, and kill some terrorists. I don't want to be the only person on the block not to kill any.

* Actually, that might make a great tourist outing: terrorist safaris. Pay big bucks, and we help you hunt terrorists. Maybe we could even get Steve Irwin to help out:

"Those terrorists can be quite wily, and nothing pisses them off like implying that they're homosexual. Just watch this. Hey! Omar! Who's that next to you? Your boyfriend? Crikey! He's trying to kill me now! Isn't he beautiful?"

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Terrorist safaris... *snicker*

CAN IT REALLY BE TRUE?

My favorite obnoxious right-wing prick talk-show-host, and my favorite homicidal Defense Secretary together on the same show?

Coming to you live from Frank's World:

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O'Reilly: So what is your opinion of how things are going in Iraq?

Rumsfeld: Excellent. Our enemies are being slaughtered in mass numbers.

O'Reilly: But there are many who don't like America.

Rumsfeld: And they will die! We will hunt them down and kill them like dogs. Actually, I was just on a dog hunt this morning.

O'Reilly: Fair enough. Now some people say that you have botched the occupation and...

Rumsfeld: They will die as well!

O'Reilly: But you have to admit that some people can perceive that things aren't going so well in Iraq...

Rumsfeld: And some people will be strangled by my own hands!

O'Reilly: Come on, Secretary. This is the no spin zone. Are we supposed to believe you can actually strangle everyone criticizing you?

Rumsfeld: Are you questioning me, you impudent fool! I know where you live which will soon be known as where you died!

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If it's not already too late for your poor monitor and/or keyboard, Drink Alert in effect.

IS THAT SATAN I SEE IN THE FLAMES?

I wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, Wizbang puts the fire to his 20th pile, and none too soon. My choice for this week’s super-suck would be this monstrosity from One Fine Jay. I wouldn’t have believed the English language capable of producing anything more senseless than the pseudo-philosophizing of Matrix Reloaded, but this crap is so inpenetrable it may soon replace Kevlar as the body armor of choice for American soldiers.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Why is there no sex in the Champagne Room? Because the last group to have an orgy there left a really crappy tip, THAT'S why!

YOU WANT TROUBLE? YOU GOT TROUBLE!

J of Quibbles & Bits is being a problem child again. He's got another teasing story starter up. You know the drill, write a dark, catchy bit of intrigue & then leave you hang.

You want to play rough? Fine. No tennis balls this time.

J, this is my 130-pound horse-dog Jake. He has 2 inch fangs and eats government agents for breakfast. Say hello to the teasy writer-man, Jake:

WOOF!

Now, this here is a 12' x 12' sheet of plywood, which I'm putting right underneath your window. Say hello to the teasy writer-man, plywood:

[...]

Did I mention that Jake will chase his own tail in circles on command?

Ok, boy. Come over here on the plywood. Good boy. Stay.

Did I mention that I haven't clipped Jake's nails in a while?

Ok, Jake, CHASE!

[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]

Ya know J, I'm thinking

[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]

that the only thing

[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]

that's gonna drown out that annoying

[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]

sound is the sound of you

[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]

typing up the rest of that story.

[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]

Jake will help you stay awake

[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]

until it's done.

[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]...

WARRIOR CASTE

No, not Minbari.

American.

Matt O'Blackfive does some profound reflection on the families who serve in the military, generation after generation. That they are different from the rest of us.

Actually, better, I'd say.

I'm not "of the Caste" exactly, since I was first generation military. However, 5 of my 7 older siblings served, so I did grow up viewing the military as an honorable occupation. I confess I didn't join to "serve my country" or to "be part of something bigger". At the age of 19, I had no real conception of the Cold War, or what the fighting was really all about (thank you public school moral-equivalency indoctrination).

The big reason I joined was that I didn't like who I was. I had pissed away a lot of opportunities in grades 9, 10 & 11, and it wasn't until my senior year that I realized that I needed to do something with my life and make something out of myself. Then I heard about the Navy's nuke program, and it sounded like the kind of over-my-head challenge that I always knew I was capable of rising to meet, but had always lacked the discipline to attempt.

Besides, they'd pay me to learn instead of the local college's contrary plan.

It wasn't until AFTER I got out and had a chance to read some philosophy & history that I came to appreciate what I had actually done. I wish I had known it sooner, so I could've better enjoyed that feeling "being part of something bigger" that so many vets speak of.

Regardless, I know better now, and I look back with pride on my small part in keeping the Arabs in line during the Iran-Iraq wars, when my mission was to keep the Kuwati oil tankers steaming in & out of the Gulf unmolested.

The oil flowed, America grew strong and wealthy, and Soviet communism collapsed of its own dead wait. It was a damn good time to be a sailor.

Not to mention how much fun it was to be stationed just a few miles from Berkeley in the late 80's. Even as politically unaware as I was back then, I still thought it was hilarious to watch the lefties spout and fume with impotent rage at the fact of Reagan being president.

I'm not likely to have children to carry on the Warrior Caste tradition from me. But if I get a chance to influence any of my younger relatives, I'll do my best to make them understand what the pride is all about.