JEN TOOK SUSIE'S PINK

No, Dana, I was NOT talking dirty! Sheesh!

SCREWED AGAIN

Sadly, not by Susie.

I gave this really kick-ass answer to Joey's last question, but did I win that dollar?

HELL NO!

Trey did.

Why?

Because Joey thinks "sammich" is funnier than "man-boobs".

Personally, I blame Heather.

Meanwhile, Joey came up with the worst question in the whole entire history of desperate attempts to generate traffic (Nov 17, CTRL+F "sammich"):

"What would you name Frankenstein's monster?"

I have never had my humor-muse less inspired in my life... I'll have to think this one over on the way to work tomorrow.

On the other hand, Joey's lookin' pretty stylish on the cover of his new CD (Nov 17, CTRL+F "compile")

Just one thing, Joey... button up that damn shirt. This ain't 1974, and you're gonna catch a cold.

Wait... Arizona... Nevermind.

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS

HA! I caught Don not being funny!

In fact, here's Don being a whiny pussy bitch:

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I just noticed that there have been five comments in my first post today and I didn't get any emails for them. Also, traffic seems a lot slower than usual (I'm generally up to 200-300 by this time).

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Not up to 200-300. Boo-F'n-Hoo, Donny. You've been blogging... what, now... 11 months, give or take... and you're all PMS'y that you're not Instapuppyblender yet. WAAAAAH!

Maybe if you stopped being such a crampy little assgremlin and started focussing on the funny a little more, you might...

Wait...

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1. What's the best advice you've ever gotten?

Wow, I've gotten so much good advice over the years, I'm not sure where to begin. Here are some of the more useful bits of insight.

-Don't eat that

-Please eat that! Often. And with liberal amounts of lubricant.

-Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made...but don't worry about that too much, because the fudge factory is off limits.

-Nothing is often a good thing to do, and almost always a clever thing to say.

2. What is the best thing you've ever found?

The clitoris. Duh.

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[YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: YOUR WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY TO BE FUNNIER THAN DON IS NOW CLOSED. PLEASE GO F*** YOURSELF WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE]

Damn.

Never mind.

ACTUALLY, IT'S DON'S SEMI-USEFUL GUIDE TO HUMOR

Once again earning his place on my list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than" D'Anger Management manages to be hilariously funny while simultaneously writing a horridly dry academic treatise on humor. Here's a cut:

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Let’s start with an observation – the only thing common to all types of humor is the element of surprise. Whether you’re talking about wit, satire, or slapstick, the only way to elicit laughter is by utilizing the unexpected.

The secret to being funny, then, is to say the complete opposite of what people POOP FACE. See? That was funny because you thought I was going to say “expect” but instead I said “poop face.”

Which leads us to another point. Some words, like “poop,” are inherently funny. You can sprinkle these throughout your prose to great effect. For example:

Not Funny: Today I bought a hat.

Funny: Today I bought a fart.

Other inherently funny words include: booger, pickle, muckadoo, and asshat.

The problem with inherently funny words is that, if you use them too often, you lose the element of surprise, which – as I said – is essential to humor. One of the best ways to sneak surprise into writing or conversation or whatever is to make use of clichés.

Clichés are great because they make it easy to surprise people. When you start off with a cliché, the human mind starts traveling along a familiar path…your audience thinks it knows where you’re going. By jumping off that path at the right moment, you cause your audience’s collective mind to do a complete 180. For example:

Cliché: My grandfather, on his deathbed, gave me this watch.

Funny cliché: My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

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Entertaining and instructional.

Only one problem, though. He forgot to mention "the triple", which is the simplest, easiest way to create both the setup and the surprise. Very simply, you list 3 things. The first 2 set the pattern, and the third breaks the pattern, yet fits the initial setup, but in a different manner.

For example:

Susie: What a lousy day I've had! I feel miserable.

Harv: Can I get you something to ease the pain? Aspirin? A strawberry daquiri? A Reddi-Wip-covered, scantily clad fireman?

Other than this glaring omission it's a pretty good piece...

...considering it was written by a pickle-poop asshat.

[rimshot]

PERFECT LINKY-LOVE

I've seen a lot of link round-ups in my day, but I really think America's #1 pin-up girl has just produced the best one ever to hit the blogosphere. She took Toby Keith's song, "I Love This Bar", and lit up the pertinent phrases with links to the appropriate blogs, bloggers, and blog entries.

It's F'n brilliant. You HAVE to at least LOOK at this thing & hover over the links.

No, I'm not just saying this because my link was the phrase "puts a big smile on my face".

No, I'm not just saying this because I'm so hot in lust with Dana that I'd link her even if she just posted a single-word entry (if the word was "boobies", that is).

I'm just really impressed at how well it came out and how appropriate the links are. It's a model of linky-love excellence. I don't like country music, but somehow I think I could actually enjoy dancing to this one.

THAT should tell you how good it is.

SO THAT'S WHY!

Lynn of Reflections in d minor asked the following about academic and artsy people: "How can such obviously intelligent people seem so out of touch with the real world?"

She suspects she may have found the answer while reading an otherwise intelligent blogger violating Godwin's Law with a Bush-Hitler comparison [the quote starts with part of the lefty's musings (emphasis Lynn's)]:

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I get up each day and work, and hope that the Bush nazis will be deposed and my work will continue without interruption. There is a problem with projecting yourself onto tragic figures. It makes you no fun at parties at all.

Is that it? Are today's intellectuals merely projecting themselves onto the tragic figures of the past? I can almost understand that - being intensely involved in the work, relating to it so closely that you put yourself in the place of those you are studying. Or, perhaps, everyone just needs to feel heroic and important in some way. Oppressed minorities, martyrs, rebels... all heroic figures in our culture.

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The word "heroic" got me thinking a bit.

My heroes are names you'd recognize:

Bill Gates - a college dropout who became a multi-billionaire

Thomas Edison - the most brilliant and prolific inventor in the history of the world

Andrew Carnegie - who transformed steel from a $140 a ton luxury into a $20 a ton commodity that built the backbone of a nation

Ayn Rand - who arrived in this country as an impoverished immigrant who could barely speak the language and wrote one of the most influential novels ever published.

Compare this with Lynn's list of lefty hero stereotypes: "Oppressed minorities, martyrs, rebels"

What's the difference?

My heroes SUCCEEDED. They struggled, they had setbacks, but in the end, they accomplished their goals.

Lefty heroes are heroic because they FAILED.

A SOUL'S SONG

When I was younger and had more time to look for romantic goodies to share with my beloved, I used to paw through a LOT of poetry collections, looking for something that expressed my deepest inner feelings. I think that's where I learned that most poetry that gets published is pathetic drivel, with random line breaks substituting for depth.

The more of Heather's stuff I read, though, the more I start to think that poetry can actually be a beautiful thing in the right hands. I'll give you the intro & the first stanza to this one & let you decide for yourself if she's got it going on:

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This poem is about opposites and the usual lack of understanding between the pair that may lead to a lot of miscomprehension and injured feelings. And then it fades, the relationship - neither party wanting to hurt the other, both knowing it can't last, still making gentle concessions until the final common thread snaps.

patchwork
------------------------------------------------------------

he's probably going to walk the dog
today. gonna gather selfhood in the woods.
i think the rain reddens his face
and hair. i'm sewing a quilt out of
pieced what and evers -- rusted change
i've stolen from his pockets. i put
lace on the edges and call him mine.

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I've never been in this situation, (well, maybe a little, but I don't like to think about it) but Heather does an excellent job of making me understand what it's like. Treat yourself to the rest of it.

SELF-ABSORBED BLOGGERY GOODNESS

Apparently Matt O'Blackfive is really scraping the bottom of the "what should I blog about?" barrel. Now he's sunk below the depths of baby-blogging and entered the dark and scary nether reaches of self-interviewing.

Of course, he tries to pass it off as answering his "fan mail".

Uh, sure Matt.

Nevertheless, he does an excellent job answering such made-up inquiries as, "What would would you have done were you LTC West"?[the man who got in trouble for intimidating an Iraqi in order to get information that would help save the lives of his men] Here's my favorite part of his response:

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Ordered everyone to leave the building, shoot the suspect in the kneecap, get information…

Or, what I thought at the time, I would have told my informants that the Iraqi cop was a double agent and ask them to spread the news. Therefore, he and his family would be in danger. Then, I would tell the Iraqi cop what I did and that I was going to pin a medal on him in public for his help and let him go…and then tell him casually that it would be up to him.

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I tell ya, there's nothing I love better than a little Dirty-Harry-style efficiency. Mheh.

He also praises single malt scotch, picks his favorite Democrat, confesses to having a day job, explains how to drive through a Chicago pothole, praises some of his blog heroes (of which I'm not one *sniff*), tells you what's on his jukebox, and talks about his asshole collection.

Good stuff from America's favorite Irishman. Go look.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



WARNING: Not for use while attempting to bribe your way out of a speeding ticket.

SNARK HUNT

is up at Electric Venom.

My fave? A 2 word fisking of Al Gore.