A TO Z

I saw this at Lynn's place and, since I don't post NEARLY enough self-absorbed blather here, I thought I'd take a crack at:

ABOUT ME: A-Z

A-ACTOR: As a person and President, I'd go with Ronald Reagan, because I remember the misery of the Carter presidency all too well (I had a paper route at the time & read the headlines daily). Ronnie brought hope to a weary nation.

For the roles he played, I'll pick Clint Eastwood. Mostly for the squinched-up, disgusted face he makes in the Dirty Harry movies whenever another character makes a retardedly politically-correct comment.

B-BOYHOOD IDOL: Kermit the Frog. No, seriously. He gets frustrated a lot, but he never gives up, and always comes out ok in the end. WWKD?

C-CHORE YOU HATE: Brush, flush, brush, flush... hmmm... still got that hard water ring... Damn!

D-DAD'S NAME: Allen Richard Olson to the world. "Dad" to 8 of the 9 who loved him best.

E-ESSENTIAL VIDEO IN COLLECTION: The Princess Bride - most quotable movie ever. "You're surrendering to me? Very well, then. I accept." Heh.

F-FAVE ACTRESS: Sandra Bullock. Love that smile.

G-GOLD OR SILVER: Silver. I just never cared for that gaudy yellow color. Even our wedding jewelry is all white gold.

H-HOMETOWN: Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin. A great place to live if you have children, because it's so boring that they'll want to move out of the house as soon as they're 18.

I-INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: 2 years of violin, 4 years of cello. I couldn't play a note on either anymore, but it did teach me to appreciate classical music - and the Beatles' song "Yesterday", which is one of the few tunes where the cellos actually played the main melody.

J-JOB TITLE: Bank Teller, most days. Kick This Peon on occasional Saturdays.

K-KIDS: No thanks. Dogs & cats create enough havoc in my life. If I feel a paternal urge coming on, I've got plenty of nieces & nephews to borrow until the feeling goes away.

L-LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: Me, the Mrs., a house in the city, and a big, grumpy mortgage to pay off.

M-MOM'S NAME: Harriet Hazel Olson (formerly Wright). "Mom" to her numerous progeny.

N-# OF PEOPLE YOU'VE SLEPT WITH: Pleading 5th Amendment on this one

O-OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: I got hit by a car at age 6. They were worried about a possible concussion, but all I got out of it was a huge bruise on my leg.

P-PHOBIA: When I was younger, it was heights & the dark. Now, it's dropping in the Ecosystem rankings. I'm not sure what that makes me. De-evoluphobic, maybe?

Q-QUOTE YOU LIKE: Andrew Carnegie once said, "The gods send thread for the web begun." Basically, get off your ass & start somewhere instead of waiting for the perfect time.

R-RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION: None of the above

S-SIBLINGS: 6 brothers, 1 sister

T-TIME YOU WAKE UP: I get out of bed about 6am. Actual waking up takes place around noon.

U-UNIQUE HABIT: mocking defaced currency

V-VEGETABLE YOU REFUSE TO EAT: I had a bad experience with okra once, but that was probably a preparation issue. Aside from that, I consider brussel sprouts to be Satan's testicles. Most veggies are palatable with enough butter & salt. These things might be useful for juggling, but that's about it.

W-WORST HABIT: blogging until after midnight when I have to be up at 6am.

X-X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: head, after that car accident, right arm after fracturing it during a 4-foot fall, and enough dentals to cause my teeth to evolve into new life forms. Maybe that's where all the little voices in my head are coming from?

Y-YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: I've been known to make Hot Sloppy Wife on occasion. That's about the yummiest thing I know.

Z-ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo. Wait... that's not funny... damn... how about...

Z-ZIPPERS I'VE CAUGHT MYSELF IN: 1  - I don't want to talk about it, but if you're cute, I'll show you my scar...

THE QUIBBLES & BITS PIMPING BLOG

(brought to you by Bad Money)

1) I thought J was just making this up & I thought it was cute. Then I found out that yes, a bunch of talentless Hollywood hacks REALLY ARE going to try to bring peace to the Middle East. J. works the topic over a bit:

*********

Crowds of people poured from the houses and side streets as the couple stepped onto the sidewalk. Brad put up his hands to quiet the milling throng.

“We have come from a distant land to bring you the gift of peace,” he proclaimed, stepping onto the hood of the limo. He pulled Jennifer up to join him.

“Yes, bring you peace!” she shouted.

“We’d rather see her boobs!” shouted an onlooker.

“Quiet in back!” Brad answered. “Prepare to receive peace!”

He raised his left hand towards Jennifer. She raised her left hand and they clicked wedding rings together.

“Beauty Twin Powers, Activate!” they chanted in unison.

“Form of a Sex Goddess!” Jennifer declared.

“Shape of a He-Man!” Brad replied.

*********

2) J is a nasty bastard who cruelly taunts his readers by weaving yet another macabre, Clive Barker-ish tale, and then just leaving it hang. I will pummel him with tennis balls until he posts the rest. Here's the opening:

********

It was a little after six in the morning, about a third of the way into his morning run, when John Jacobs saw the first tongue. It was lying beside the road, a damp, red welt of meat twisting and writhing on the cool morning pavement. The stump was still bloody and the twitching of the living meat scraped against the asphalt.

At first he thought it was just a dying squirrel or some other poor animal that would later toast into an odoriferous oblivion in the summer heat, but when he saw it had no fur, he stopped. He thought it might be an animal tongue at first, but the size of the tongue and the silvery barbell piercing it told him otherwise.

************

Dana, I think you can read this one. No babies involved. Everyone else, grab a tennis ball and come threaten J with me.

3) Ok, my blogless brother Tom is gonna be here any minute for a night of guy stuff (drinking, belching, farting, talking smack about our wives in hushed tones, so I don't have time to finish reading the whole Kim Jong Il in the Afterlife piece before I have to go. So I'm recommending it on reputation right now, and with the assurance that J has NEVER written a bad one of these. Hell, I already found a chuckling point within the first screen:

**********

L'il Kim Goes on a Trip

"Ah, I shall soon see my father," Kim Jong Il thought as he floated through the ether. He knew he had died. He had even managed to hover around for the glorious State Funeral. Now he was moving onward from the terrestrial world to his Father's glorious world. He felt that new world congeal around him, and he settled gently into the comfortable chair that appeared beneath him, centered in a grassy field.

"Father!" he said to the figure that appeared, back to him, vision turned to a far distant future. Kim Jong Il could not see his face, but who else could this imposing figure be? Naturally, Kim Il Sung would take a more impressive form in the Afterlife. The imposing figure turned to face Kim Jong Il.

“Hell, Jong,” the figure said. Kim Jong Il gasped in surprise. This was not his father. The figure was tall, over ten feet, with a flowing white beard and long white robes. Age and wisdom traced his beautiful face. He spoke again.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked Kim Jong Il.

“Gandalf?” Kim Jong Il asked incredulously.

**********

*snicker*

Now go read the rest. I'll catch up with you later.

UPDATE 11-6-03 11PM: Finished now. Yeah, just as good as I thought it would be. Here's another bite:

**********

“Father, it is so good to know that you control the afterlife as well as Korea,” the son said, finally releasing his father.

“Well, my son, I have worked long and hard to achieve this celestial status,” the old man said, gently nudging his enthusiastic son to an arm’s length away. “There is one thing you should know, Jong,” the old man continued.

“Yes, father?” the younger Kim asked, anticipating the wisdom coming from his revered father, “What is it I should know?”

“That I’m just fucking with you, you commie bastard,” the old man said as his face and form shifted, the van dyke re-appearing, the dapper gray suit returning, and sly wisdom creasing the old man’s brow. He smiled. Kim Jong Il gasped in surprise.

**********

And the payoff? Mheh. Sweeeet.

2015 PART 3: WHEN LARGE MAMMALS ATTACK

Those rascals at BigStick.US continue their delightful saga of America's invasion of Canada here in part 3. My favorite line? Hard to choose, but I like this section in particular:

**********

Sam was career military. He had done two tours in Iraq, one in Liberia, and another training troops in Germany before this year's pull-out. There were a lot of good times in Germany, but there were a fair amount of bad ones too. He always used to tell his kids, "When the United States won World War 2, I think we were a little too successful. We seem to have beaten the Germans so bad that they turned into peacenik hippies. After all, this is the longest time in thousands of years the Germans haven't invaded someone. We beat the fight right out of them."

**********

Links to part 1 & part 2 are available at the beginning of part 3. Ya know, ya REALLY need to get over there and start reading now, because you're gonna be hearing about this thing all over the place later, and you'll wonder what you're missing, and by then it'll have cracked a 1.5 on the Bill Whittle scale, and you'll have to take a day off from work just to catch up. Go get started while you can still cram it all in during halftime.

WHAT'S WITH THE COW-NURSING PICTURE ANYWAY?

Jim of Snooze Button Dreams has his interview up at Jen's place. Best part for me was learning new ways to annoy my wife:

************

When you feel like annoying your wife on purpose, how do you do it?

How do I annoy thee? Let me count the ways. One. Two. Three. Yup, there are three different ways that I annoy Lovely Wife. The first is tickling. She's horribly, horribly ticklish. I'll sneak in "accidental" tickles during backrubs and other modes of fondling until she figures out that they aren't accidental. Then I usually get a finger in the ribs. The second is finishing her sentences for her. This usually starts out unintentionally until I realize that I'm doing it. When I do, I start finishing her sentences with nonsense. "Don't forget that tomorrow is..." "...blow job day? I know, I know." Third is cracking jokes when she wants to talk in a serious manner. This is naturally dangerous territory as I am afflicted with incurable whimsy and Lovely Wife has what is generally referred to as a "normal" temperment. The key, of course, is stopping in time before annoyance at my flippancy turns to fury. I have mixed results there.

************

Lotsa more goodies at the Minioness' lair. Go see.

HARV NEEDS A BEATING...

...for not pimping Susie's upcoming interview as hard as he pimped Susie's boobie pictures. The sweetest woman in the blogosphere is being interviewed by Jen Lars. You still have until midnight tonight to submit your questions. Ask about her pink. Ask about men in kilts. Ask about her large fonts. Ask her whether size matters. Ask her how she got so sweet. Ask her SOMETHING! NOW! QUICK! Before it's too late.

Then send it off to jenlars at hotmail.com.

Are you still here? GO!!!!!!!!!!!!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love is like swallowing hot chocolate before it has cooled off. It takes you by surprise at first, but keeps you warm for a long time.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



In an alternate universe, in the year 2020, America honored its greatest president: Michael Dukakis.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If I gave you flowers as often as I thought of you, the world would be covered in roses.

HQ ROUNDUP

A filthy lie about Evil Glenn from someone besides me

More on Anger Managing Don's Blogger Survivor

The results of the quest for the perfect League of Liberals tagline are up, including some not half bad efforts from the LoL themselves

A new Precision Guided Humor assignment - write a motto for the UN

and, please, if you do visit the LoL site and leave comments, remember that you're in their living room. Be polite, no trolling. The place for invective is your own blog. Never be rude on someone else's bandwidth.