| |
|
Monday, March 08, 2004
|
|
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
There's no finer caress than a love letter, because it makes the world very small, and the writer and reader, the only rulers.
posted by Harvey at 11:12:20 PM permalink HOME
|
|
TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[you are not a slave]
After scanning this, my secondary hard drive started playing an MP3 of "We Shall Overcome" and demanded reparations.
posted by Harvey at 11:09:42 PM permalink HOME
|
|
HELP FOR A CHRONIC BEAL SUFFERER
Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has Beal.
Bad.
So bad, in fact that he's starting a new torture "feature" wherein he
picks 3 more or less random words, hits "I'm feeling lucky" at Google,
and shares the results with the world.
This, I submit, is both sick and wrong.
...And thus worthy of my support. What he's
asking is that readers give him a list of 30 words, 10 each in the
following categories
1) animate objects (or parts thereof, such as extremities or organs)
2) inanimate objects (place names count)
3) descriptive terms (such as adjectives and adverbs)
Then drop your lists in his comments.
Here are mine:
Animate:
children
linguist
cockroach
army
tortoise
mad cow
poultry
blood
employee
adulterer
Inanimate:
furnace
transcripts
chair
watch
calculator
pen
Kansas
gas
microrobot
rain
Descriptive:
fiery
embarrassing
innocent
giant
humiliating
safer
green
polar
weekly
longest
Just for fun, I did my own test run using "hamburger fee essayist", and came up with this story:
Posted on Thursday, February 26, 2004. The following were among
eighty-seven losing submissions in an essay contest sponsored by Tom
and Patti Brandt, former owners of Sno-White Drive-In, a fifties-style
hamburger stand in Antioch, California. The Brandts offered full
ownership of the restaurant to the best essayist; entries were confined
to a hundred words or less and submitted with a $100 application fee.
Originally from Harper's Magazine, April 2002.
I want to own Sno-White Drive-In because I love burgers - cooking them,
wrapping them, selling them, etc. Once I had a strange dream about a
never-ending line of oversized buns coming toward me, all dripping with
extra mayonnaise.
My wife and daughter feel the same way.
Hmmm... maybe I'll just try drinking heavily instead. Anyway, drop your lists off at Frizzen Sparks.
Or be a dick like me, and make him come to your place to get them. MUAHAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 11:00:09 PM permalink HOME
|
|
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Well, it's either 2 1/2 months late or 9 1/2 months early, but either way, Jeff of BigStick.US waxes poetic with his rendition of a Dr. Suess classic. I'll start you off:
The Frinch Who Stole The Elections, part One
Every Yank down in Yank-ville liked George Bush a lot,
But the Frinch, Who lived far east of Yank-ville, Did NOT!
The Frinch hated GW! The whole big Bush family!
Maybe it's because his own country's so shabby?
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, of French banks and their plight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his nuts were two sizes too small.
Go see Jeff for the rest. Well, part of the rest, anyway. Apparently this is at least a 2-parter
posted by Harvey at 10:47:17 PM permalink HOME
|
|
KING OF THE BLOGS RESULTS
And the new King of the Blogs is:
The old King of the Blogs, as WalloWorld retains the crown by .05 points this week.
At this point the pretenders to the throne - Bull (who is a girl) of Irritable Blog Syndrome and Athanasius (who's probably a guy) of Ecumenical Insanity
(now with 100% less Blogspottiness) - will be cast in the darkest
dungeon that Good King Bill can find, where they can contemplate the
evils of their attempted usurpation.
In addition to my brilliantly witty commentary, you can go to this week's KotB results post and find the ponderings of such notable judges as:
The ever-stuffy Mr Dodge,
who insists that bits of flair and mirth, when mixed with dashes of
pizazz, are the most important qualities a monarch can possess.
The charming Mistress of Discipline Susie, of Practical Penumbra,
who firmly but gently chastises naughty bloggers: "Bad Wally!" she
says. Hey gorgeous, I've been naughty, too. Where's MY spanking?
The non-stuffy, but now swell-headed petty little name caller ("stick in the mud"? ME? Is he calling me stuffy now?... Wait, maybe he's just saying I'm gay? Oh, well, that's not so... wha? HEY!) Pietro of SmarterCop goes painstakingly through his whole-blog judging criteria. Hint to new contestants - study his reviews. There's no excuse now for NOT getting 10/10 on this part from him.
UP NEXT: The Royal Rumble - where peasants with delusions of grandeur
pummel each other in a brutal cage match to see who will get a shot at
the crown.
posted by Harvey at 9:12:43 PM permalink HOME
|
|
I WANT TO EAT GOLDIE
's cheescake. Look at this thing. Mars Bar Cheesecake. God, I'm
shorting out my keyboard from all the drooling. Australia's a bit far
(and moist) to drive to pick up a piece, so I begged for the recipe,
instead. But Goldie's got a sadistic streak. Said I'd have to trade her
something.
Hmmm... what to get for the girl who has everything....
First, how about a handsome picture of me:
Ok, that's a little spooky, but I blame Goldie for pointing out where this little face-maker thingy can be found.
What else... Oh! I can review her latest naughty movie... Nah... better not. The FCC will probably censor me. After all, if I start talking about her blowjobs & lapdances... Nope... better not go there. Gotta remember what they did to Howard Stern...
Ok, fine. When in doubt, whip out the big guns: male exotic dancers.
Now, Goldie, about that recipe...
posted by Harvey at 8:42:26 PM permalink HOME
|
|
BEST OF ME SYMPHONY
Is up at Irritable Blog Syndrome.
Tasty chunks of Heinlein thrown in as intro material, so it's worth
going for that reason alone. Also yummying up the works this week is
bit of cranky one-upsmanship from BuffaloWings & Vodka. I'm not
sure exactly what kind of outlines they're discussing (probably some
goofy law school thing), but it doesn't matter. It just cascades into
an upward spiral of silliness that's beautiful to behold. I'll give you
the first part:
“You finish your outline?”
“Yeah. 65 pages. It’s pretty awesome.”
“That’s not bad. Mine hit 75 pages.”
“But mine was single-spaced.”
“So was mine. And in a six-point font.”
“My outline has a Table of Contents and a Glossary.”
“That’s cool. But my outline has a Descriptive Word Index. And a Closing Table.”
“My outline is updated annually, with a quarterly soft-bound supplement and bi-weekly pocket parts.”
“Nice. My outline was reprinted in the Harvard Law Review, Le Monde, Hustler, and Ranger Rick.”
“Liar. They don‘t even print Ranger Rick anymore. Besides, my outline was published in thirty-
seven different languages, including Esperanto and Aramaic.”
There's more, and it gets even better, so go enjoy. Permalinks are blogspotted, so Dec 15, CTRL+F "outlines".
posted by Harvey at 6:28:55 PM permalink HOME
|
|
|
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:08:49 PM.
|
|
|
MAIN ARCHIVES
CATEGORY ARCHIVES
GRAFFITI CURRENCY
200 WORDS OR LESS
FILTHY LIES
LOVE NOTES
PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR
KING OF THE BLOGS
|
|
