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Friday, March 26, 2004
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DESPERATELY SEEKING ATTENTION
When I was a kid growing up in Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin, my dad subscribed to the Milwaukee Journal
(now the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel). Like most big papers, it was a
leftist piece of horseshit, but it was the biggest, newsiest rag
around, and the internet hadn't been invented yet, so you had to get
your news from somewhere.
There was ONE cool thing about the Journal, though - the comics
section. It was one full sheet of newsprint, i.e. four pages, and the
paper was tinted green. Which is why they called it "The Green Sheet". I really appreciated the fact that it was so easy to find each day, because that's the only part of paper I read anyway.
So I grew up on 3 panel newspaper comic strips. I really loved Bloom County (I was too young to notice the occasional liberal screed) and was sad to see Berke retire.
Now that I'm a curmudgeonly old coot, I don't read newspapers or their comics anymore. Most of them are unfunny crap anyway (don't even get me started on Doonesbury and Boondocks). I get all my comics off the web these days. The first one I read every morning is Chris Muir's Day By Day.
It's political, like Doonesbury, except right-wing instead of left, as
funny as Doonesbury is un-, and as insightful as Boondocks is
idiotarian.
Take, for example, last Wednesday's effort. Chris just spot-on, dead-bang nails it to the wall. You can't make a point any better than that.
Now, Chris is in the midst of a desperate battle
to get his comic picked up by the syndicates & dead tree folks. I
don't actually subscribe to any papers, so I pull no weight there. But
I can shout from my tiny blogospheric rooftop & try to spread the
word for him. Onto the blogroll he goes, in pole position. Plus the "Free Damon" logo on the left side, which I pulled from Little Tiny Lies.
Final word: Chris' work rocks more than anything currently published in any "old media" comics page (word up, Mallard Fillmore), but it's still only available in pixels. This is a crime. Please fight for vigilante justice any way you can.
posted by Harvey at 11:27:13 PM permalink HOME
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GLENN'S DAYS OFF
(A FILTHY LIE)
Instapundit (Evil Glenn), oppressor of small blogs
Sat upon his icy throne, blending puppy dogs.
Blogging like a man possessed, dead hobos by his toes.
"Hmmm. Heh. Indeed." he typed, hit post, and then he stretched and rose.
"This doesn't satisfy," he thought, "I need a little break."
"Some time away from blogging - a vacation I will take."
"But where to go and what to do? Some fun place I would think"
"A place with lonely women, where I can score and drink"
He went out to the disco, to prance around the floors
His Robot Dancing better for the spiders in his drawers.
With socks and sandals on his feet, he cut a mighty rug.
His venom-swollen johnson making BVD's fit snug.
He met a pretty girl there by the name of Fatty Sue.
A fine, sweet piece of woman (though she weighed a ton or two).
They both went back to her place, he kissed her at the door.
She took his hand and dragged him in, they smooched a little more.
Kitchen counter, heavy petting, things got really hot.
He reached between her chunky thighs, she said "YES! That's the spot!"
She dragged him to her boudoir and she threw him on the bed.
He lost control and threw a fist that landed on her head.
She stopped, she glared, "Glenn! What the f***? Why did you hit me so?"
"It's true I like it really rough, but that shit's gotta go!"
I punch ALL bloggers violently," said Reynolds with a grin.
"It's what I do, it's who I am, don't tell me it's a sin."
"Well I don't blog," said Fatty Sue, "and wouldn't if I could."
"Control yourself, you naughty boy, and fill me with your wood."
Glenn shrugged and sighed and gave his all in 15 seconds flat.
Then rolled right off and fell asleep. Said Fatty, "What was THAT?"
"That's all I've got," Glenn Reynolds moaned, "there isn't any more."
He closed his eyes, fell fast asleep, and then began to snore.
"I'll fix him up," thought Fatty Sue, "'cuz I know just the trick."
She grabbed her poodle, Fluffy, and she blended him up quick.
She poured the goo down Reynolds's throat, and much to her delight
His eyes flew open quickly and his manhood stood upright.
She climbed aboard his now-firm pole, and rode that pony hard
Her massive rolls a-bouncing 'round her ass of solid lard.
But in her eagerness to quell her raw compelling lust
She didn't hear his bones go "CRACK!" and crumble into dust.
Yet still she humped his broken form, did not let up at all
Until the "big O" took her and she gushed a waterfall.
She climbed off Glenn and said "Hot DAMN! You're really great in bed!"
Glenn just laid unmoving. "Oh my God! I think he's dead!"
"Not dead," said Glenn, "just slightly crushed, and if you'll help me up"
"I'll go another round or two, if you've another pup."
They went on through the night that way, bang - drink puppy - bang.
Her flabby body crushing his 'til dawn, when she said, "Dang!"
"You're really very virile for a geeky blogger guy."
"I'm sorry 'bout those broken bones... you up for one more try?"
But by this time sobriety had Reynolds in its grasp.
He got a look at what he'd laid, and sucked a frightened gasp.
Evil Glenn stared stunned and shocked, now seeing Fatty's trick.
For Fatty Sue was Fatty STAN, complete with Fatty Dick.
Glenn ran screaming out the door, and even left his pants.
"I'll never drink again," he vowed, "or even Robot Dance!"
And that's the tale of Glenn's days off, by now you've guessed the rest.
I'd set him up (I'm such a prick).
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 7:58:55 PM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:09:02 PM.
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