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Friday, March 12, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I know the freedom that comes from sharing my heart with someone that
I can confide in openly and trust completely.
I know the delight that comes from sharing moments with someone
Whose presence can turn ordinary experiences into extraordinary joys.
I know the overflowing blessings that come through a common bond of faith
That is found in the rich soil of our all-embracing love.
I know all of these wonderful things, and so much more...
All because of you.
posted by Harvey at 10:27:39 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Even a Wal-Mart cashier isn't stupid enough to be fooled by one of these. However, I've had pretty good luck buying PeTA T-shirts with them.
(hat tip to LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone for pointing me to this pic)
posted by Harvey at 10:04:12 PM permalink HOME
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EVIL GLENNS EVIL GUIDE TO EVIL TIME MANAGEMENT
(A FILTHY LIE)
Hi folks. Evil Glenn here.
I've hijacked the Currency Freak's blog in an effort to test out my new
blog-hijacking software. If you're reading this, then the test has been
successful and you're all doomed! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
But to show that life under the crushing dominion of my virtual
bootheel won't be ALL bad, I'm going to give you some time management
tips. These handy hints are a condensation of years of experience and
have allowed me to reach the pinnacle of Ecospheric success to which all bloggers aspire, but which none of you will ever reach, since I will soon crush you like empty pop cans!
Like most people, I used to let idle moments go to waste. If I had a spare 15 minutes, I'd sit around pleasuring myself to penguin porn
instead of using them productively. But if you put these little tricks
into practice, soon you'll have the blogosphere by the throat, just
like me!
Except that I'll kill you before you become a threat to my evil powers.
Yes, thanks to these time-saving techniques, I can cram an entire day's worth of evil into a mere 15 minutes. Just do what I do:
When blending puppies,
always use the "liquefy" setting. Sure, you miss out on the agonized
yipping that "chop" delivers, but sometimes quantity is more important
than quality
Now you've got that yummy glass of warm sticky puppy goo in hand, but
who has time for endless repititions of sip-swallow-belch? Not me,
that's for sure! That's why I've had a 4-inch diameter PVC pipe
surgically installed in my chest leading directly to my stomach. Just
pour in the puppy and you're instantaneously bursting with energy!
All those Satanic prayers don't need to eat up your schedule anymore. Forget all that "chant, chant, light a candle, chant, chant, draw a pentagram, chant, chant, disembowel a virgin, chant, chant" garbage. Just remember - Instant Messaging is your friend. They don't call it AOHell for nothing. 9.0 is your direct line to the Prince of Darkness. Don't hesitate to use it. Come on, baby, don't fear the reaper.
Can't find a hobo to murder?
That cookie-pimping girl scout who won't stop leaning on your doorbell
screams just as satisfyingly when you slip the blade between her ribs.
Even if you type 80 wpm, those long commie-praising screeds can be quite a chore. You can show your love of collectivist oppression more efficiently by joining the League of Liberals. Being on their blogroll is every bit as good as a hearty "Yay Mao!"
No matter how fleet of foot you are, a Robot Dance
can waste more time than an NFL instant replay review. Screw that. One
cycle of The Macarena gives you just as much sinister shimmy in 15
seconds.
Punching Frank J.
sometimes seems like it takes an eternity. But it's worth it. Don't
skimp on the all-important pummeling of bony little girly-armed
humor-bloggers.
Now, I know what you're going to ask next. "Glenn, I love your time-saving ideas, but what about the penguin porn?"
Ah, yes, I know what you mean. I, too, love to savor that slo-mo,
frame-by-frame, avian money shot. But with all the foul deeds that need
perpetrating, I just don't have time to sit naked in front of the 72"
projection screen HDTV with a box of Kleenex & a bottle of Jergens.
I've always hated having to choose between the twin joys of self-pleasuring and brutally torturing innocents, but I've finally found a solution. With Eyetop brand Video Glasses
and a portable DVD player, you can have one hand free to punch, stab,
blend, or dance, and still be able to *ahem* "take care of business"
with the other. It's win-win!
And there you have it. The Evil Glenn Patented 15-minute Workout
O'Evil. Practice it daily, and soon the blogosphere will be yours to
command!
Except that I'll have to kill you if you ever make the mistake of saying:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:24:29 PM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:08:52 PM.
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