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Saturday, March 20, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
You know what real love is when just thinking of your lover - maybe
something they did before, or just the thought - gives you chills all
over your body.
posted by Harvey at 9:37:09 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Told you so Ben]
For years, Franklin when on and on about how he "had that $1 bill gig
sewn up", so George couldn't resist the urge to talk a little trash
once the bill assignments were finally posted.
posted by Harvey at 9:35:10 PM permalink HOME
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HOW FAR BEHIND THE CURVE AM I?
I just found out that you can buy an imaginary girlfriend on eBay.
For your winning bid, you get some chummy e-mails, a couple pictures,
some snail-mail, a nice card, and when your time is up, one last letter
telling you how devastated she is that you dumped her and begging you
to take her back.
Handy little item if you're looking to shut up your nosy parents,
impress your friends, or merely acquire enough evidence to allow you to
remain comfortably in the closet.
Interesting.
And to think I'm giving it away to Susie for free...
(Convoluted hat tip as follows: I asked Jon - the unsolicited e-mailer doing research on blogging - whether he has a blog. He said no, but told me one of his fellow grad students blogged. So I followed the link to Danyel of Made Out of People, scrolled down and found an entry with a link to an entry with the link to the relevant eBay search)
posted by Harvey at 9:05:30 PM permalink HOME
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STEALING FRANK J.'S FUNNY
Frank J. of IMAO is the funniest blogger in cyberspace. No one questions that (except Scott Ott of Scrappleface, and what the hell does HE know about being funny?). But have you ever wondered how Frank does it? The answer is NOT, as some suspect, that he sold his soul to some dark, malevolent power. Rather, it's a combination of native talent and some simple techniques that you can apply to your own writing.
Today's lesson will consist of an analysis of one of Frank's recent masterpieces: Know Thy Enemy: Canada,
wherein he lists numerous "fun facts about Canada". I'll show you how,
by examining each "fact", you can extract a broader, underlying rule,
which you can then apply to mock a similarly annoying country. For
example, France. Let's begin:
Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.
RULE: Mock the country's origin.
EX: France was originally a penal colony for snotty waiters exiled from other European nations.
Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.
RULE: Mock the country's political power structure.
EX: As France's President, Jacques Chirac can legally demand that French citizens perform puppet shows in his honor.
That happens usually three times a year.
RULE: This one is a standard humor technique known as a "callback" which means making reference to a prior joke
EX: This normally takes place on National Cowardice Day, i.e. every day.
The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in
the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along
it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.
RULE: Pick out a geographic feature and get silly.
EX: France has numerous mountains, most of which would prefer to be in Switzerland.
It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon
is the telephone with which they can call America and say, "Help! We're
being invaded, eh!"
RULE: Mock their relatively ineffective military. This works for almost every country except for the US, Britain, and Australia.
EX: France's Army is feared throughout the world for its devastating use of surrender-fu.
Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.
RULE: An animal comparison.
EX: The fact that the French enjoy eating frogs does NOT make them cannibals.
Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, "I live in Cana, duuuuh," the name Canada eventually stuck.
RULE: Mock the origin of the country's name.
EX: France was originally known as "Frogs who are easily frightened
into wetting their pants", which was later shortened to "Fr'ants" which
was then misspelled by the ignorant natives.
For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.
RULE: Another callback
EX: Eventually the country will be known as "Franceandsurrendering" or "Fr'ing"
Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan's Palm.
RULE: Mock the country's national symbol
EX: The symbol of France is the "Fleur de Lis" or "Lesbian Flower".
In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf... actually, a maple leaf
is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle,
would whup Aquaman's ass, though.
RULE: This statement recalls an old joke for the pleasure of Frank's
regular readers about what a lame superhero Aquaman is. This is known
as a "running gag". He also throws in a callback
EX: In a fight between Aquaman and France, Aquaman would be devastated by France's surrender-fu.
Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.
RULE: Offer a semi-complimentary characteristic, then twist it into an insult
EX: The French believe in using diplomacy to the exclusion of everything else – even soap.
Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we
accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard
American currency.
RULE: Mock their currency.
EX: The French currency - the Franc - is printed on very large, soft,
pieces of paper, which Americans frequently mistake for novelty toilet
paper.
Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.
RULE: Same topic, different angle.
EX: French currency usually has portraits of unkempt, warty-faced, scabrous, long-haired French men on it because French women are even uglier.
A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the
rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people - that's
so pathetic I can't even imagine it.
RULE: Mock a selected minority demographic
EX: France has a large, unassimilated Muslim population.
Coincidentally, the French spend a lot of time checking their cheese
for explosives.
Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.
RULE: Another compliment/smack-down combo.
EX: The French are a generous and hospitable people who will gladly welcome strangers into their homes. Ask any German soldier.
Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the
civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose
overlord.
RULE: More fun with the political power structure.
EX: The French have both a President and a Prime Minister. When the
country was originally founded, they couldn't decide which to have, so
they flipped a coin, which landed on its edge.
It's a myth that the normal way a Canadian says "about" is so that it
rhymes with "boot". It just happens that a lot of Canadians are
retarded.
RULE: Mock an aspect of their language
EX: The French word for "no" is "non", which makes them 50% less
efficient than Americans at properly responding to people who offer
them drugs.
The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone
there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American
priest for God to hear it.
RULE: Another geographic feature.
EX: France is surrounded by Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, and
Spain. However, the French themselves are normally only surrounded by
Germans.
Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.
RULE: Another callback
EX: The Germans are usually surrounded by Americans.
If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him
on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, "No!" You have
to catch them in the act or they'll never learn.
RULE: Comparison to a misbehaving animal.
EX: If a Frenchman starts chewing on your plants or scratching your furniture, use a squirt gun to interrupt the bad behavior.
Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.
RULE: Mock their historical accomplishments
EX: In the 1790's, France won its only known military victory by conquering itself
Canada has become an entry point for terrorists which has caused Canada's boring index to decrease slightly.
RULE: Another compliment/smack-down.
EX: Always bet on the Frenchman to win "Arrogant Idol".
Canada doesn't have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech
that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun
to help them recognize.
RULE: Mock them for being less free than America
EX: Freedom of speech is guaranteed by the French constitution in much the same way that Enzyte is guaranteed to enlarge your penis.
(Hat tip to Eric of Straight White Guy for the link)
Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.
RULE: Over-the-top declaration of how much the country sucks.
EX: Rats frequently leave France to board sinking ships.
Canada has no known industry. It's believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.
RULE: Mock their manufacturing output
EX: France's economy took a serious hit after Americans started
boycotting their wine. However, it's rebounding now that they've
discovered how to bottle arrogance and sell it to John Kerry.
Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.
RULE: Mock their shabby health care system.
EX: The French like to brag about how, in their country, health care is
considered a right. They are less likely to brag about how air conditioners are not.
Canadians are completely harmless, but don't assume someone who is
wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that
mistake and, well, it was messy.
RULE: Mock a national pastime
EX: The French like to ride bicycles and play girly games like soccer,
unlike the folks in cool nations who prefer to ride Harleys and play
manly games like "Dismemberball".
Canadians don't have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.
RULE: Mock them for having (or not having, as the case may be) nuclear missiles.
EX: Even though the French have nuclear missles, no one is afraid of
them, because the French still haven't figured out how to build a
"launch" button.
Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the
excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada's
evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.
RULE: Mock the nation's gun control policy (not applicable to the Swiss)
EX: France considers gun control laws unnecessary, since all guns were
long ago driven out of the country by Saint Patrick in exchange for
Ireland's frogs.
If ever attacked by a Canadian... well... beat the crap out of him.
What? You can't take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?
RULE: Frank's "if you are attacked by" running gag.
EX: If you are attacked by a Frenchman, wave a piece of white cloth in front of his eyes to trigger his surrender reflex.
This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.
RULE: Mock their cultural taboos
EX: The French don't believe in the death penalty, except for people who speak unflatteringly of Jerry Lewis.
Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, "Eh?"
RULE: One last callback
EX: Or write lists containing statements mocking France.
As you review these rules, you'll begin to notice a pattern that holds
the key to Frank J's brilliance. Instead of merely mocking the broad
cultural stereotypes like lesser beings, Frank will choose more mundane
and pedestrian aspects and make the effort to squeeze
the funny out of them. For example, only a true comedic genius would
ever think to pick out a nation's CURRENCY as a laughological target .
*AHEM*
So I hope you've learned something today, and don't be afraid to apply these rules to humiliate the country of your choice.
Class dismissed.
posted by Harvey at 8:30:39 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS REVIEWS
CHALLENGE AND SUBMITTED POSTS
Scores removed to maintain suspense. UPDATE(3-21-03 1:30pm): Scores added to remove suspense.
Final results will be posted at the King of the Blogs main page soon, and I'll give a holler when it's up. This week's challenge (for which Good King Bill of Walloworld can and will be blamed) is:
Write a post which incorporates all of the current top five Words or
Phrases for Impact on the English language (as cited by the Global Language Monitor): "wardrobe malfunction," "bootylicious," "extreme makeover," "Gigli," and "Give it Up!"
IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: ROTFLMAO!
BAD POINTS: Contains offensively misogynistic terminology, which is
entirely inappropriate to publish during March, which is Women's
History Month, and… oh, wait… Bull is a woman. Nevermind. Free pass ;-)
SCORE: 10
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Good job of pointing out how fearsomely ignorant the MTV
generation is, in their own words. I'm glad * I * was never that stupid
[whistles innocently]
BAD POINTS: Could've used a couple sentences of introduction explaining
a little about what the MTV source page was all about, and your own
thoughts that inspired you to write the post. Also, there's an
uncensored f-bomb in the post – this is supposed to be a family
tournament. Drop all the nukes you want in the rest of your blog, but
keep the KotB items PG, please.
SCORE: 8
WALLOWORLD
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Nice themed post with colorful visual descriptions. I felt like I was there.
BAD POINTS: Boring legal briefs are the reason I dropped out of law
school. Thanks for re-opening THAT wound. Also, tragic dearth of
self-linkage.
SCORE: 9
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: After reading this, my immediate reaction was to
internally argue with it, point by point, since I disagreed with his
conclusion. Yet I wasn't angry. This, to me, is the sign of a
well-presented argument. Nice job.
BAD POINTS: A link to Lochner v. New York would've been helpful for the
uninitiated, as would specific examples of "Robber Baron" perfidy.
Also, tragic dearth of self-linkage.
SCORE: 8
PEPE DAY 2 DAY
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Good hillbilly-mocking theme, with bonus for creative
(mis)use of the required words. Way to stand out from the crowd.
"Bootylicious". Heh.
BAD POINTS: Although good in concept, in execution, it only worked moderately well. Wound up sounding a little too contrived.
SCORE: 8
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Well-constructed post. Great technique in the interweaving
of the story he's making reference to and the point he's trying to
make. Nice parallelism and closure in the last sentence.
BAD POINTS: For the record, I disagree with the premises upon which the
post is based, but I'm not taking anything off for that. However, a
link to the article being referred to would've been nice, and you could
have found it with minimal Googling. Think about your readers, please,
and link your sources.
SCORE: 8
BLOG SUPPLEMENT
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Has the moxy to explain to the King of the Blogs, in great
detail and humorosity, exactly why the challenge question sucks. No
kneeling for this subject! He goes to the guillotine with his head held
high.
BAD POINTS: Put exactly zero effort into his rip on "Give it up", thus besmirching an otherwise perfect post.
SCORE: 9
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Quaint little slice of life with subtle humor, good sound
effects, and all necessary supporting linkage. Nice job, Wolfman.
BAD POINTS: None visible. (Although I was worried for a bit that he wasn't going to explain what "wassshump" was).
SCORE: 10
BELIEF SEEKING UNDERSTANDING
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Scores some good hits while contemplating the required
buzzwords. Bonus for coining the phrases "cusp of fuddydudditude" and
"fist malfunction".
BAD POINTS: Contemplated a bit too
much. The points made, while humorous, could've been briefer & more
pointed. While I understand the need to "warm up" when writing certain
difficult pieces, it's often a good idea to go back and tighten things
up once you're finished.
SCORE: 8
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Does a number of things right – cites relevant sources,
warns that it's a multi-part posting, indents quoted passages, and
all-around helps put the reader comfortably into context. Bonus for
going back to update the post with a link to next entry in the series.
BAD POINTS: Could have used an intro explaining the author's personal
motivation for writing the piece, and why it's relevant to readers who
aren't college professors. Internally, it works well, but a rather
abstract think piece like this needs more concrete grounding to start
it off.
SCORE: 8
A GIGGLE OF GALS
(Challenge - not posted, but e-mailed):
A Modern Day Faerie Tale:
Once upon a time, there was a chick who
went by the name of Gigli. She was quite happy that once she’d had an extreme
makeover, she knew she could then be considered bootylicious, if for no other
reason than she had a Gigli-butt.
She knew that if just the right guy
came up to her and said just the right thing, which was “Give it Up!” that she
would have a complete wardrobe malfunction just for him and they would become
engaged, maybe even do a movie together and live happily ever
after…maybe….
The End?
GOOD POINTS: It's the "quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" of
challenge responses. Probably the shortest coherent post that could be
made with the mandatory buzzwords.
BAD POINTS: Too contrived-sounding, and, even worse, not posted at the participant's blog. Don't you want linkage?
SCORE: 6
(Submitted 3-10 CTRL+F "researching")
GOOD POINTS: Briefly and gleefully points out one of the internet's major foibles.
BAD POINTS: Could've used more details. And supportive linkage. And working permalinks
SCORE: 5
posted by Harvey at 2:59:16 PM permalink HOME
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THIS WASN'T ON CNN... WHY?
A report from the Iraqi front at Mike the Marine's place includes this:
Three Marines this past week stood out in their
professionalism and humanity; while participating in a vehicle patrol
with an Army unit. The Patrol encountered an overturned truck in a
canal and due to the gathering crowd could not pass. When the
Marines learned an Iraqi man was trapped underwater in the truck they
dismounted the vehicle, Sergeant Lxxxx established a secure perimeter
while Sergeants Bxxxx and Wxxxx dropped their gear and entered the
canal pulling the driver out. While the driver could not be
resuscitated by an Iraqi doctor on the scene, the attitude of the crowd
was noticeably and favorably changed when the Marines emerged from the
water. Sergeants Lxxxx, Bxxxx, and Wxxxx demonstrated the very
definition of our ethos "No better friend, no worse enemy."
I'm just kind of curious why I have to read about this on a blog instead of hearing it on the news.
Of course, if NPR actually picked up the story, it'd probably go something like "US Marines drowned an Iraqi civilian today..."
posted by Harvey at 9:35:09 AM permalink HOME
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SUBMIT TO SUSIE
Susie of Practical Penumbra is hostessing the Best of Me Symphony, and she would like to have her box stuffed completely full...
of your best blog entries that are at least 2 months old. So help
satisfy the desires of a lovely lady by slipping your post to her
today. E-mail it to bestofme-at-jpeacock.net before 11pm CST Sunday.
posted by Harvey at 8:26:47 AM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:08:57 PM.
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MAIN ARCHIVES
CATEGORY ARCHIVES
GRAFFITI CURRENCY
200 WORDS OR LESS
FILTHY LIES
LOVE NOTES
PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR
KING OF THE BLOGS
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