Thursday, January 01, 2004
Some advice for any woman who thinks that sex is a pain in the ass.
posted by Harvey at 11:54:09 PM permalink HOME
EVIL GLENN'S RESOLUTIONS
(A FILTHY LIE)
In accordance with the latest Alliance assigment, I endeavored to discover how Evil Glenn would be ringing in the new year. I expected something evil & decadent, like a puppy-blending party, or maybe noise-makers made out of hobo bones. I figured the easiest way to get the answer would be to hack into his computer to see if he'd written anything down.
Oddly, there was nothing there but a file called "Resolutions". Apparently he's worked up his own version of the top 10 resolutions list:
1) Spend more time with family & friends - I've been too reclusive
lately. Time to mix & be sociable. I must invite them over more
often. One by one. Buy new shovel and more lime. Bury them deeper than that time in Vegas.
2) Fit in fitness - I keep getting winded when hobo-whackin'. From now on, 20 minutes a day of sledge-swinging. No excuses. Be like Scratchy.
3) Tame the bulge - Beagles & pugs go straight to my hips. Blend more whippets & greyhounds.
4) Quit smoking - Those cancer sticks are going to be the death of me. Switch to nicorette during that post-penguin-coital glow-time.
5) Enjoy life more - Less blogging, more Robot Dancing. Possibly while naked.
6) Quit drinking - I have a drinking problem. I admit it. Last week's Black Mass was the final straw. I messed up the chant and conjured up Hillary Clinton instead of Satan.. She's STILL pissed that I interrupted her girl's night out.
7) Get out of debt - The iMAO doll was a complete bust. My bank account won't be recovering from that debacle anytime soon. From now on, I'll only sell popular toys.
8) Learn something new - I swear that I WILL learn how to parallel park.
9) Help others - I promise to help more hobos by slaughtering them and releasing their tortured souls.
10) Get organized - My office is a mess. I just need to install some quality shelving. This will also be a big help on #9.
I may have had Glenn figured all wrong. I mean, if he's that into self-improvement, maybe he's not such a bad guy after all.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:36:29 PM permalink HOME
IT'S UNIQUE BECAUSE IT'S SPELLED WRONG
Trey Givens is quite fortunate that he'll never have children of his
own. Mostly because that means that he'll never have to argue with a
wife who wants to give the child some unspellable, unpronouncable
monstrosity of a name. After reading about a trend in baby-naming that
includes using product names like Ikea and Disney, Trey goes off on quite an amusing tear:
Because I’m feeling inordinately snarky, here are things I think of when I hear some of those names:
- You were conceived in a minivan at the Bed, Bath & Beyond so your
mommy could get out of a parking ticket. Shh! Don’t tell daddy!
Lexus – Your mommy was on welfare. You are a prostitute.
Gucci – You will cut Lexus if she even looks like she’s going
to work your corner on more time, you swear to god and your dead mother.
Delta – You may be famously hideous or of an average level of
attractiveness. You’ll likely get pregnant by your PE teacher and end
up working at the 7-11 just 4 credits shy of your highschool degree,
but it’s really a coin-toss between that and settling down with your
hubby and raising your daughter Dakota.
Disney – Touched yet you still maintain a career as a drag queen or a palm reader.
Ikea – Cheap but smart enough to use condoms. That is until
you’re convinced at age 14 that it’s love after you and 24 year-old
Hennessy split a 40 and some reefer in the tenement parking lot. Your
son’s name will be Courvoisier.
Evian – Possessed of a long neck and large nose you are the life-long companion and care-taker for Disney.
Delmonte – Pimp or used car salesman. You may harbor a crush on Disney even after you find out she’s not actually female.
Working at a bank, and making deposits into (or, more typically,
withdrawls from) children's savings accounts, I'm frequently struck by
the horrifying trendy-cuteness of some of these monikers. I have a
passionate dislike for bad baby names. By "bad" I mean... well, I'll
let the queen of bad-baby-name-haters, Diana Goodman, explain:
I appreciate these parents want their children to be
unique. I really do. BUT (and you knew there'd be a "but") these
parents are all foraging for this originality in one incredibly narrow
direction, and when they feel the (weird) name they want is too common,
they go to further and further extremes. It's strip-mining the
alphabet; It's like an arms race between parents. The result are names
like these - pretentious as hell names with difficult (to guess, to
reasonably explain) spellings.
From here, I'll send you into the realm of some of the most
horrifying baby names imaginable (Trey, close your eyes while you read
Eden 2 (f)
Elliot Ness (m)
Espe Do Wop (?)
And that's just the E's. The rest of the horror can be witnessed by going to Not Without My Handbag.
Or avoided by not going there. You're an adult. I leave the choice to you.
posted by Harvey at 5:44:27 PM permalink HOME
MMMM... TOE PORN
I'm not REALLY a foot fetishist, but I'm thinking of converting after viewing Margi's offering.
I mean... bright red paint on those wiggly little piggies, and the way
you can see the shoe strap biting cruelly into the tender skin of her
Y'all excuse me while I go script up a fantasy...
Thank you, Kevin-Wizbang-Bonfire-26... thank you.
posted by Harvey at 5:01:50 PM permalink HOME
Up & running at Hypocrisy & Hypotheses, wherein I found a post from Red Ted that makes me very happy. You see, I thought I was alone in not being able to beat up my wife. Mostly I don't because, well, not brutalizing your chosen life partner is the nice thing to do, but partly it's because she's got biceps that would put the fear of God into the Governator himself.
Fortunately, like Ted's wife, my wife is essentially self-beating.
Racquetball helps with that a LOT. Too much follow-through, and that very hard
racquet connects with knees, hands, wrists, cheekbones, forehead, or
whatever else is handy. Bruises, cuts, contusions, lumps, bumps &
soreness abound, and I never have to lift a finger.
I do envy Ted for one reason,
though. I may have racquetball on my side, but he's got an
unconvictable & violent minor running around the house to deal out
the essential violence for him. Lucky stiff. I wish I had one of those. Then I could buy him a "lil'" something to show him my gratitude for his assisting me with my brutal husbandly duties.
Meanwhile, I'll have to rely on my horse-dog Jake, who's been specially trained to lay down directly behind Beloved Wife whenever she's whipping something up in the kitchen.
Heh. Good dog, Jake.
[If blogging is light after this, that means my wife beat the crap out of me for posting this. Someone call 911, please.]
posted by Harvey at 4:53:21 PM permalink HOME
CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #66 (I'M STILL A WEEK BEHIND)
Via CotV #66 at Winds of Change, (last week's Christmas edition, which you should visit if for no other reason than to read the context behind this line: "To this day, I still think of it as the perfect North American holiday
story: a Muslim giving his Jewish neighbours a bottle of whiskey… for
I found the answer to a question that I've never asked myself, but
perhaps should've: How would and insane barking moobat lefty
deconstruct a Christmas card? I think Fringe gets it just about right.
For example, explaining the racism inherant in horse-drawn sleighs
The first thing that caught my eye was the
depiction of racial supremacy, the artist's perception of white
politics and the domination whites, particularly white males, have over
blacks and other minorities. Think me foolish, dear reader? Or does not
the snowy ground sit in luxurious and smug superiority over the black
and icy depths of the pond below?
Then there are the horses, the twins, Capitalism and Conservativism.
Note again the unbalanced ratio of white to dark hair. The horses pull
the sleigh of Religious Fundamentalism, no doubt headed for that unjust
spire of Moral Absolutism so tediously and unconstitutionally forced
'pon us by the Puritans who find gladness in stifling human rights and
Oddly, the author forgot to mention the green box in the back of the
sleigh, which no doubt contains the body of Jimmy Hoffa and represents
the oppression of the working class by the "Big Box" chain stores like
Wal-Mart, whose degredation of its employees is legendary.
posted by Harvey at 2:21:24 PM permalink HOME
Dana's got a picture of Hillary in desperate need of a caption. Only 12 hours left. Go, quickly, and mock the beast.
posted by Harvey at 12:52:24 PM permalink HOME
WITH AGE COMES WISDOM
Susie will be celebrating her 23rd birthday again very soon, and, despite her youth and inexperience, I have to agree with her that this entry from Iowahawk is one of the best non-Scrappleface bits of satire ever to hit my monitor. This part put quite a smirk on my face:
I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people,
regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free
medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.
Like the lady says, go read the whole thing.
posted by Harvey at 12:18:41 PM permalink HOME
THE LOOK ON MOSS'S FACE: PRICELESS
...and speaking of kicking the Vikings around, Owen of Boots & Sabers heard one from his wife - it's a 5-second read, so just go.
posted by Harvey at 11:03:19 AM permalink HOME
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Last update: 6/24/2005; 7:39:14 PM.