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Friday, January 30, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Because of what you are, you are essential to my happiness.
posted by Harvey at 11:07:19 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[REMEMBER - you suck!]
Although there's nothing inherently
wrong with buying yourself a stupid hooker in order to save a little
money, you still might want to take the precaution of reminding her not
to take "blowjob" literally.
posted by Harvey at 11:05:24 PM permalink HOME
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GLENN'S CHILDHOOD PICTURES
(A FILTHY LIE)
I thought this assignment
was going to be easy. That idiot Reynolds STILL hasn't bothered to
install a firewall on his computer, so hacking in was a piece of cake.
Strolling through his files, the My Pictures folder was an easy find.
Although I'd hoped to find a straight-on full-face childhood shot of
him so I could recognize him when I go back in time to stop him from
becoming Evil Glenn the Puppy Blending Dark Overlord of the
Blogosphere, I had no such luck.
But my efforts were not wholly unrewarded. I did get a glimpse of the young Glenn, and some tantalizing clues as to possible causes of his later corruption.
The root causes of his hobo-hatred probably stem from a difficult childhood. Frequently despondent and often penniless, the young vagabond Glenn
lived among the hobos, but was never truly content to do so. He
probably blamed them for his early pain and set about taking his
vengeance upon them.
The hard years of his youth, and the malnutrition that frequently
accompanies poverty, interfered with Glenn's physical development,
causing him to become freakishly deformed. However, with the help of a sympathetic vampire, he became a member of the undead.
Although somewhat troubled by the loss of his soul, he was pleased that
his complexion finally cleared up. For some reason, though, women would
still run away, screaming, at the sight of him.
With no love to call his own, he must have recalled one of the few
happy days of his youth that he'd spent at the local zoo, where he
first laid eyes on a penguin. Here he can be seen, clearly stunned and transfixed at the lovely sight he beheld.
So shapely. So graceful. In his teens, however, that early, innocent
love degenerated to a sick lust. In this picture, note the position of
his hands as he desperately clutches as his first artificial lover.
As to puppies, I don't know the exact trauma that first caused Glenn to think of them as sustenance instead of playful pets. I do know that it must have been shortly after birth, possibly even in the womb. Even in this photo, where he's probably not even a year old, his hunger for things canine is dreadfully obvious. As he matured, he, like most primates, learned to use tools. His first tool of choice was a single, non-whirling blade. Later, possibly because chewing all that ropy dog-flesh hurt his fangs, he experimented with beverages. Here we see an early attempt to make puppy tea. Eventually he found his modus operandi, and the made the blender his tool of choice.
Having glimpsed several views of Evil Glenn's early life, I am filled with nausea and loathing. However, considering how truly horrifying some of his other early hobbies were, I'm almost relieved that he took up puppy-blending.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:21:19 PM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 6/24/2005; 7:44:53 PM.
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200 WORDS OR LESS
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