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Friday, January 23, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Everything I do and everything I see
Is more beautiful and wonderful because of my love for you.
When you smile, your eyes of warmest brown,
Light up like a cool summer's night.
Sending shivers over my body much to my delight.
posted by Harvey at 11:45:52 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
The daylight faded into darkness and still he sat, waiting patiently
for her to wake. He studied the line of her body as she lay sleeping,
the curve of her hip and shoulder, the soft rounding of her back. She
was such a tiny thing, just a little bit of flesh and bone beneath the
coverings, the smallest spark of life. He marveled at the texture of
her skin, at the coloring, the absence of flaws. She might have been
molded by some great artist whose reflection and skill had created a
once-and-only masterpiece...
posted by Harvey at 12:16:22 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[Aaron - this is for finally cleaning your damned tool box 1/7/02 Highlander]
Aaron receives a little gift from the "tool box fairy", who is similar
to the tooth fairy, except for his quirk of believing that he is an immortal Scottish swordsman.
posted by Harvey at 12:13:11 AM permalink HOME
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FREEZE DRY
(A FILTHY LIE)
It was a quiet night at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. I was sitting in the corner tipping a few with Matty O'Blackfive and we were discussing weighty matters of great import, as men of the world such as ourselves are wont to do:
Matty: I can't believe Frank J. spelled Howard Dean's scream "YEAGH!". What an idiot! There was clearly no "g" sound in there.
Harv: You're so full of shit! There was obviously a "g" sound in there. Actually about 4 or 5. Right in a row. Probably should've been "YEAg-g-g-g-gah!".
Matty: I think you must've gotten syphilis in the Navy, because your insanity is starting to show. That was no "g". It was more like that sound Jewish guys make when they pronounce "Chanukah".
Harv: Howard Dean's Jewish? I thought that was Lieberman… Anyway, it
reminded me more of that dinosaur-bird scream you always heard in
Johnny Quest cartoons.
Matty: Now you're the one who's full of shit. But I'm too thirsty to argue. I'm getting another pitcher of beer... You want anything?
Harv: Nah. I'm good.
Matty: Bartender! Pitcher me!
Bartender: How about a "please" with that you ungrateful paratrooping assgremlin?
Matty: Sure. Please give me a f****** pitcher.
Bartender: That's better. But I still ain't giving you jack shit. You drank the place dry, and my supplier says he can't get me any more beer, or anything else, for that matter. Seems like every alcoholic beverage in the country has become trapped in blocks of ice.
Matty: What the hell are you talking about?
Bartender: Here, I'll show you - let me turn on the TV...
Mindy Minx: Yes! Take me! Oh! Oh! Harder! Oh God! Oh yes! Harder!
Bartender: Oops! Wrong channel. Heh.
CNN: We take you live...
Harv [walking up to the bar]: Hey Bartender! Turn that back to the other channel! I was wanking... uh,... watching that!
Bartender: Shut up & pay attention... and get your hand out of your pants!
Harv: Don't try to step on my good time, you festering anal blister! I'm not the one who keeps his inflatable girlfriend in the broom closet!
Bartender: You bastard! I told you to stay out of that closet. I swear, if you touched ONE painted plastic hair on Hildegard's head...
Matty: Would you both just shut the f*** up? I'm trying to watch the news!
CNN info-babe: Thanks, Wolf. I'm here in Boston amongst indescribable
chaos. Every alcoholic beverage in the entire city has become encased
in solid ice. Crowds of angry and tragically sober Irishmen are
pounding on the ice with their shillelaghs, attempting to free the
trapped beer. I'm told that similar versions of this horrifying scene
are taking place all across the country, and even as far away as Russia…
Harv: Well, who woulda thunk it?
Matty: What?
Harv: That Irishmen are actually good for something.
Matty: You son of a bitch! You take that back!
Harv: Whoa! Geez! Back off, Matty! All right, all right, I take it back. Irishmen aren't good for anything.
Matty: That's better! I… Hey!
Harv: No time for petty squabbles now. I've got a strong feeling that Evil Glenn is behind this.
Matty: What makes you say that?
Harv: Check the TV. See that helicopter hovering over the crowd? It says "EGI" on the side.
Matty: Evil Glenn Industries! Of course! And look… there's the loathsome yet unmistakable "broadcast tower spewing flying white blended puppies of death" logo on the front of it! I can't believe how stupidly obvious he is. You'd think that after all his years of being an Evil Overlord, he'd have found some time to read the manual.
Harv: Maybe he just hasn't gotten to #13 yet. Regardless, we've GOT to stop him!
Matty: Quickly! To the DrunkMobile!
We sped through the darkness until we finally reached the frozen
wastelands of Knoxville and Evil Glenn's Instacompound. We burst into
his Unholy Inner Sanctum. Surprisingly we met no resistance. Probably
because Reynolds was too busy blogging to notice us…
Evil Glenn: "Hmmm"… link… post… "Heh"… link… post… "Indeed"… link… post…
Matty: *ahem *
Evil Glenn: Oh, thanks… "ahem"… link… post…
Harv: Uh… Glenn?
Evil Glenn: "Uh"… link… post… "Glenn"… link… Wait a minute… Hey! What are you guys doing in here?
Matty: We're from the Alliance and we've come to stop your evil scheme!
Evil Glenn: Thank goodness! For a second there I thought you were from the government and you were here to help me. So… which evil scheme has your undies in a bowline hitch this time?
Harv: The one where you encase all the alcoholic beverages in blocks of ice.
Evil Glenn: OHHHHH! That one! Yes, you see, I've created a weather-control device and I'm using its power for my own sick, twisted pleasure.
Matty: But the beer! The precious BEER! Think of the children!
Harv: The what?
Evil Glenn: Did you say... "children"?
Matty: Sorry. I have a rare disease akin to epilepsy. If I don't drink, I have fits of liberalism.
Evil Glenn: … Yes... well… anyway… I've been having difficulty finding hobos to murder for Satan, lately. Seems that most of the time, after they buy their bottle of Mad Dog,
they hide down in the trainyards to get drunk, which makes it a real
bitch to track 'em down. So I'm using this weather-control device to
icify all the booze. That way, the pathetic bastards will all be
gathered around the ice blocks, weeping & moaning. They'll be easy
to spot and even easier to slaughter. MUAHAHAHA!
Matty: But there'll also be throngs of innocent Irishmen wailing and sobbing! What if you mistake them for hobos?
Evil Glenn: Won't happen. They may both be smelly, drunken,
ne'er-do-wells, but it's easy to tell the difference between a hobo and
an Irishman.
Matty: Oh yeah? How?
Evil Glenn: Hobos don't carry shillelaghs
Matty: Well, as long as the Irish are safe. C'mon, Harv, let's go…
Harv: Matty… all the beer is still frozen…
Matty: Oh! Right! Right!… Ok, Evil Glenn, turn your little machine to "defrost" or whatever you have to do. Let my pilsner go!
Harv: Matty, you're paraphrasing Moses…
Matty: Another side effect of the sobriety. Don't worry about it.
Evil Glenn: Well, boys, here's my ass, so you might as well start
kissing it! I don't see how you'll be able to stop me this time...
Unless one of you thought to bring a gun?
Harv: Damn!
Matty: Crap!
Harv: I guess we're screwed.
Matty [weeping openly]: The children! The environment! Save the whales! Tax the rich! Bush = Hitler and he lied! Lied! LIED!
Evil Glenn: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Just then, dozens of black-clad BATF agents crashed through the doors and windows, wildly waving automatic weapons…
Janie Jackboot: Freeze, Evil Glenn! Don't move a muscle or we'll Swiss
cheese your skinny white ass! Uh… I mean, we're from the government,
and we're here to help you.
Billy Brownshirt: Yeah! What she said!
Norman Nazikin: By order of Janet Reno, we hereby command you to
surrender to our august Imperial Authority and prepare yourself for
relocation to a concentra… er… happy camp.
Evil Glenn: Janet Reno? She hasn't been Attorney General in years…
Janie Jackboot: Well, she was when we started out, but SOMEONE [looking pointedly at Billy Brownshirt] wouldn't stop to ask directions.
Billy Brownshirt: Listen biatch, I wasn't lost! I knew exactly where we were going!
Janie Jackboot: My sweet, round ass, dipshit. You care to explain how the f*** we wound up spending a week in Albuquerque then?
Billy Brownshirt: I… uh… well… YOU SHUT UP!
Evil Glenn: Look, folks… it's not like I'm not having oodles of happy-sparkly fun here, but would you please either arrest me or get the hell out of my house?
Norman Nazikin: Sorry 'bout that. Those two have been cat-and-dogging
it for months. I tell ya, if I didn't get my rocks off on
pistol-whipping defenseless people, I'd have been out of this
chicken-shit outfit YEARS ago. Why, just last week…
Evil Glenn: GET. ON. WITH. IT!
Norman Nazikin: Right, right… Glenn Reynolds, you are under arrest for
unlawfully interfering with interstate commerce in violation of Article
I, Section 8 of the United States Constitution, in that you did
willfully and flagrantly encase alcoholic beverages in ice across state
lines, thus causing crowds of foul-smelling, unruly Irishmen to…
Matty: Hey! Now just a damn minute there, you…
Janie Jackboot [shoving an Uzi into Matty's left nostril]: Got a problem there, bog-trotter?
Matty: EEP!
Janie Jackboot: Just keep your peace, Paddy O' Tater-tot.
Norman Nazikin: … as I was saying… causing them to riot obstreperously in the otherwise peaceful…
Evil Glenn: Look, Goering, I'm a lawyer. I know my rights, I know the law, and I know you've got nothing
on me. I was simply transmitting electromagnetic energy from where I am
to where the booze was. According to United States vs. Lopez, since
there was no money changing hands in a financial transaction, the
Federal Government can't prove jurisdiction under the
Constitution's Necessary and Proper clause to bring charges against me, as no actual commerce was taking place.
Janie Jackboot: Perhaps so, but under Ileto vs. Glock, Inc., this would still expose you to liability under common-law nuisance provisions and…
Evil Glenn: Don't split hairs with me, young woman! I know full well that Marbury vs. Madison declares explicitly that it is solely
the provision of the Supreme Court, and NOT the Executive Branch - of
which YOU are a part, I might add - to declare what the law IS. Your
feeble pronouncements of…
Matty: Bored now.
Harv: Tell me about it. I just remembered why I dropped out of law school.
Matty: Titty bar?
Harv: Right behind you.
Matty [strolling casually toward the door]: I heard that Trixie the Times Square Wonder Hooker is appearing at Blender's.
Harv: [following] Isn't she the one who can thread a needle without using her hands or feet?
Matty: The very same.
Harv: I've always wanted to see that trick…
The rest of the night was pretty much a blur of dollar bills,
g-strings, and prehensile labia, and I don't recall much in the way of
detail, but the morning paper did
say something about Evil Glenn's weather machine's transmissions
violating the Telecommunications Act of 1996, abuse of the public
airwaves, blah, blah, blah – or something like that. All I know is that
America's beer is both thawed out and freely accessible once again,
thanks to the unflagging bravery of myself and America's favorite
drunken Irish paratrooper, Matty O' Blackfive.
If you'd like to show your appreciation, you can buy us a round of
seven (6 for Matty, 1 for me) next time you see us at Madfish Willie's.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 12:00:40 AM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 6/24/2005; 7:44:46 PM.
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