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"The frightening power of Harvey's filthy lies makes me tremble like a Frenchman. I frequently wet myself in terror and... Oops... damn." - Glenn Reynolds

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	Wednesday, January 07, 2004

EVIL GLENN AT THE ZOO (A FILTHY LIE) It was a sad evening for me. I'd been over at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, knocking back a few cold ones & enjoying Susie's amply bosomed company when I made the mistake of commenting on the bar's decor. The Bartender, being very sensitive about his decorating choices promptly had the bouncer courteously escort me to the exit. What can I say? Puce-on-grey polka-dotted window treatments? EWWWW! Anyway, I wound up driving around for a while, and my meanderings took me past the Memphis Zoo. It was probably about 2am, but, surprisingly, there was someone hanging out by the front gate. I slowed down to rubberneck, and damned if it wasn't Evil Glenn himself. I parked the car and went to investigate... Harv: Hey, Evil Glen. Whatcha doin'? Evil Glenn: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that! Harv: Sneak up? My muffler's been missing for a week and my brakes are strictly metal-on-metal. Between the roar and the squeal, I make the Battle of Baghdad sound like 4'33". How the HELL could you not hear me pull up? Evil Glenn: I was busy concentrating on fine-tuning my evil scheme. Harv: Well, I've never heard self-pleasuring referred to by that particular euphemism, but I'm sorry I interrupted. Evil Glenn: Don't worry about it. I'll finish off with the Hillurkey later. Right now, I'll stick to showing you my latest nefarious undertaking. Follow me. Harv: Check your Rolex, Robot-Dancer. It's 2am. The zoo's closed. Evil Glenn: If it were actually a zoo, you'd be correct. But it's not. Harv: Hmmm... 20-foot-tall sign with the word "ZOO" on it. Am I missing something? Evil Glenn: I own it. Harv: But you couldn't even afford to keep your girlfriend in cheeseburgers! How could you afford a zoo? Evil Glenn: Let's just say I had a "persuasive discussion" with the Mayor of Memphis. Harv: Huh? Evil Glenn: The man had certain "things" in his past that his wife didn't know about. Harv: I'm not following you. Evil Glenn: I BLACKMAILED HIM WITH GAY SEX PICTURES! My God, man! How freakin' dense are you? Harv: Somewhere between neutron star and black hole. So what's this nefarious undertaking? Evil Glenn: Follow me. Harv: Check your Rolex, Robot Dancer. It's... Evil Glenn: Don't f*** with me, Currency Freak! Harv: All right! All right! Sheesh! What a crabby-ass bitch... I followed Evil Glenn into the zoo, and we soon arrived at the main office. As we entered, he turned on the lights, and I was confronted with the most horrifying sight of my existence. Posters. Everywhere I looked. Posters. Movie posters. With titles and pictures of their stars: TIMMY TURTLE in SLAPPING SHELLS GRANT GECKO in LIZARD LUST GINA GRIZZLY in BACK DOOR BEAR EDGAR ELEPHANT in WRINKLY WINKY (introducing Ron Jeremy as "the mahout") SLITHERING SAMMY in ONE-LEGGED SNAKE RANDY ANDY in RHINO RUMP-BUMP MICHAEL MOORE in CLUBBING THE SEAL Harv: Is...is that really Michael Moore? Evil Glenn: Actually, we used a body double for that one, but it's almost impossible to tell the difference. Harv: So you've converted the Memphis Zoo into your own little playground of unnatural perversion? Evil Glenn: Everybody needs a hobby. Harv: You filthy, disgusting, psychotic bastard! The Alliance shall hear of this! Evil Glenn: Whatever. Hey, you should stick around. I'm about to start filming "Hoppin' & Humpin' 2: Marsupials in Mutton" Harv [heading for the exit]: Leaving now. Evil Glenn: Some people just don't appreciate fine art. Now... where did I put Wicked Wooly Wanda's stunt double?... Ah! There it is!... Hmmm...[looking around at the now empty room]... might as well finish fine-tuning the evil scheme... oh yeah! Glenn has really gone off the deep end this time, turning the Memphis Zoo into a Neverland Ranch of beastiality in a perverse attempt to slake his revolting appetites. It's a sight no human eye should have to behold. But knowing the filthy lie truth, I can't help but wonder... Was Evil Glenn also responsible for HILLARY CLINTON in BUFFIN' THE MUFFIN'? INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST! posted by Harvey at 10:28:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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