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Thursday, January 15, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
All I need is my one star in the sky to wish for you every day.
posted by Harvey at 10:37:17 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[57]
Although it requires significantly more flexibility than the more
famous numerically-denoted sexual position, its devotees claim that the
ecstasy is worth the effort.
posted by Harvey at 10:35:37 PM permalink HOME
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BEDTIME FOR GLENZO
(A FILTHY LIE)
It's not always easy being an Alliance agent, but a little hard work
and/or criminal activity is a small price to pay for helping to defeat
the Puppy Blender.
I figured some scandal would ruin his popularity among the
delicate-sensibilitied soccer-mom contingent, so, with lock picks in
hand, I made my way to his house, intent on plumbing the dark secrets of Evil Glenn's foul
sleeping chamber.
Turns out I didn't need the tools. The door was still in pieces from my last expedition. Stealthily, I crept inside, making my way toward his bedroom, where I gently shoved the door open to reveal...
Impenetrable darkness.
Hmmm... Ah! Light switch!
[click]
Empty.
There wasn't a single damn thing in the room.
"What the hell?" I mumbled to myself.
Evil Glenn: Something wrong, Currency Freak?
Harv: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that!
Evil Glenn: Before I dial 911 to report your violation of my home's sanctity, may I inquire as to what you're doing here?
Harv: I was just, uh... selling Girl Scout cookies... uh... Thin Mint?
Evil Glenn: No sash, no beret, no green dress... I call bullshit... I'm also calling the cops...
Harv: All right! All right! I'm here trying to dig up dirt on your
bizarre sexual proclivities by finding out what's in your bedroom. I
have to free the blogosphere from your oppression... Alliance of Free
Blogs... Instapundo Delenda Est... yada yada yada.
Evil Glenn: Oh. Another stupid Alliance assignment that nobody but you cares about. Heh. Like I give a shit. Well, feel free to look around. As you can see, there's nothing here for me to be ashamed of.
Harv: I... I don't understand. What happened to all the stuff that was in here?
Evil Glenn: What "stuff" would that be?
Harv: Well, Phelps said...
Evil Glenn: DAMN THAT EVERLASTING PHELPS! Because of his hacking of my
Robo-maid, the INS found out she was here illegally, and she got
deported back to Robo-Mexico. Phelps will DIE! DIE! DIE!
Harv: That threat was more convincing when it was written in puce crayon.
Evil Glenn: Regardless, I had to "clean house", as it were, and get rid of all those shameful items he mentioned.
Harv: So they're all gone?
Evil Glenn: Yup. Sold 'em on eBay. Made quite the tidy sum.
Harv: So the copy of "Are You There Allah? It's Me, Osama"?...
Evil Glenn: Saddam picked that up. I guess he was tired of reading the
10-year-old issues of Ladies Home Journal that make up the bulk of the
prison library.
Harv: The Ronco Inside the Skin Puppy Scrambler?
Evil Glenn: David Letterman.
Harv: Letterman?
Evil Glenn: Why are you so surprised? A high-powered late night talk-show host like him needs a good energy drink to keep him going. Did you think that was COFFEE he keeps sipping out of that mug?
Harv: The autographed nude photo of Fidel Castro?
Evil Glenn: Heh. You wouldn't believe how much Michael Moore ended up paying for that one.
Harv: Tinfoil fedora? Wait... let me guess... Dennis Kucinich needed it to ward off the mind-controlling space lasers?
Evil Glenn: Got it in one.
Harv: How about the manuscript of "How To Take Over The World With A Website"?
Evil Glenn: Frank J. bought it.
Harv: Frank J!?!
Evil Glenn: Yup. Maybe you should start keeping an eye on your Fearless Leader.
Harv: Hmmm... anyway, what happened to the rest of the crap?
Evil Glenn: I donated it to the Salvation Army for the tax write-off.
Harv: You lie! Do you expect me to believe the IRS would give you credit for donating monkey toes?
Evil Glenn: They let Bill Clinton write off his used underwear.
Harv: Touché... So... there's nothing in this room you'd be embarrassed to have people find out about?
Evil Glenn: I'm a little angel.
Harv: Then what about the contents of... THIS CLOSET! [sliding open the door to reveal 800 pairs of knee-high white socks and 800 pairs of sandals]
Evil Glenn: So what? I'm a lawyer, not freakin' Stacy London! Whaddya gonna do? Call the fashion police on me? MUAHAHAHAHA!
Harv: I guess... I guess I've failed. There's no hope left for the Alliance.
Evil Glenn: Heh. I could've told you that
back in August. You might as well start bowing down before me now,
because you're doomed to become my mindless servant. Doomed. DOOOMED, I
SAY!
Harv: Yes, master. I will now murder hobos for your Satanic needs, and... Say,... what's behind this curtain?
Evil Glenn: NOOOOOOO! Don't touch that! No one must see my darkest secret!
Harv [pulling back the curtain]: Oh... Dear... GOD!
Evil Glenn: Uh... I can explain...
Harv: That's the most revolting...
Evil Glenn: Look. I'm willing to negotiate... If you keep quiet about this, I'll give you an Instalanche.
Harv: I don't know...
Evil Glenn: Come on. I won't even say "Indeed".
Harv: Well...
Evil Glenn: That's the spirit. Now just run along on home and don't
breathe a word of this. Check your referrer logs later. I believe
you'll be pleasantly surprised.
What can I say? I was weak. The temptation of more hits in one day than
I've gotten in my whole blog-life was just too much to resist. So I
left.
I suppose you're wondering why I posted all this, then... Is it because I'm dishonest? Unreliable? Untrustworthy?
No.
It's because THAT SON OF A BITCH GAVE MY INSTALANCHE TO MATTY O'BLACKFIVE!
So here's Evil Glenn's deepest, darkest secret. (Do I have to mention that it's not work-safe?)
Rot in hell, you lying bastard.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 10:25:30 PM permalink HOME
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JOEY HAD A DREAM
NOW HIRING
Blacks Only
I agree - this does seem to be where we're heading. Or at least where some folks would like to take us. It's just interesting to see it put in its starkest terms.
posted by Harvey at 6:38:53 PM permalink HOME
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I BETTER FORWARD THIS SO I DON'T WIND UP DEAD IN A GUTTER SOMEWHERE
Usually when I get a million-times forwarded e-mail (especially
if it asks me to pass it on) containing a dubious source citation, I go
to www.snopes.com to verify that
it's BS. Sometimes, however, Snopes comes up short. For instance, twice
in the last 2 days, I've gotten the cute, smarmy, annoying Lotus-Totus
e-mail, purporting to be from the Anthony Robbins Organization. I'm
familiar with Robbins' work, and some of the sayings sounded about
right, but this e-mail chain-letter-nonsense didn't quite seem like his
style. Snopes had nothing to say on the topic, however.
So, after a quick Googling, I found Break the Chain,
an organization that catalogs & debunks chain e-mails. I'm
bookmarking this place right under Snopes in my BS Detector folder.
posted by Harvey at 6:32:16 PM permalink HOME
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HAIKU FOR A WELL-TONED TUSH
Heather's fine, firm ass
Is succulent, not juicy
and, sadly, married.
posted by Harvey at 1:03:29 AM permalink HOME
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CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?
I peeped over at Baldilock's place and checked out the discussion on Paul O'Neill. I loved this quote:
I suppose that if the president took control of every meeting and
micro-managed ever miniscule decision made by his people, O’Neill would
be calling the president a tyrant who didn’t trust his cabinet.
Now, in the comments was a bitter little snark by someone who claimed
to be both serving his country and displeased with the President:
Personally, I believe that there needs to be a full accounting for what
has been done. The very thought of a president who circumvented the
Constitution, manipulated the American public's perception by shaping
intelligence and putting forth misinformation, violated international
law, and brought our country to war in order to pursue a personal
agenda is enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. As one of those
currently engaged in the war, I certainly wonder if I am carrying out
my oath of office to protect and defend the Consitution of the United
States against all enemies, foreign and DOMESTIC, in the right country.
Hmmm... unpleasant. He should be taken to task.... What's this?... It
looks like one of my favorite comment... whatever the opposite of a
"troll" is.... Teresa does a nice back-crackin' smack-down here:
Wow - Greg, I'm not sure I want you defending us since you seem to feel that we're in the wrong to begin with...
Circumventing the Constitution - I like that one - how? Where? If
you're going to mention Padilla and his ilk - forget it - that one is
still going through the Supreme Court - where the court will make the
descision and LO and BEHOLD - the president will abide by it. Until any
laws have been challenged and put down by the courts and are then
ignored by the party in power - no Constitutional rights have been
lost! I haven't seen him deploying any soldiers on American soil to
suppress descent. I haven't seen any protesters jailed and tortured -
so you lose me there.
Manipulated intelligence and put forth misinformation? Oh you mean
you actually listen to all those lies the Democrats keep throwing out
there about "what Bush said"??? I heard Teddy Kennedy ranting on today
about Bush and the "imminent threat" - trouble is Bush never said
anything about the threat being imminent. So you lose again. WMD - lets
just wait and see what we find. Iraq is a leetle bit big to be deciding
there are no WMD's and it's a bit hypocritical of the Democrats to rant
about something they thought was there too!
As for what Bush was planning and when - I certainly hope that any
party in power (Republican or Democrat) has contingency plans for any
of the rogue states out there. If they don't they are putting our
country in tremendous danger and don't deserve to be leading us. You
can't wait until something happens to plan what you'll do to fix it.
Get real here. There are plans for all those countries - including
North Korea and Iran.
Come up with some better arguments please!
It occurs to me that it's a shame for writing like this to be hidden
away in comments sections. It should be posted proudly on a blog's
front page. Trouble is, Teresa doesn't have a blog. And, although I've
been telling her for a while that she'd make a fantastic blogger, she's
still a little bashful about taking the plunge. I'm thinking that maybe
if enough other people give her some encouragement, she'll listen to
reason and give in.
Little help, here?
How about you, Bartender? Mike? You guys made the transition from comment anti-troll to blogger. What can you tell her?
posted by Harvey at 12:32:49 AM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 6/24/2005; 7:44:38 PM.
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MAIN ARCHIVES
CATEGORY ARCHIVES
GRAFFITI CURRENCY
200 WORDS OR LESS
FILTHY LIES
LOVE NOTES
PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR
KING OF THE BLOGS
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