Friday, April 02, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
It only takes a second to say "I love you", but it will take a lifetime to show you how much.
posted by Harvey at 10:17:29 PM permalink HOME
TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
...And the number one way to tell if you're living in a crappy, third-world hell-hole of a country that's frequently plagued by famine is...
posted by Harvey at 10:15:55 PM permalink HOME
GLENN'S APRIL FOOLS' DAY
(A FILTHY LIE)
So I was trying to get my blogging done last night when the phone rang...
Voice: Hello. I'm calling from the hospital to tell you that your wife
was killed in a horrible mangling car accident. We found her nose and
ears, but the rest…
Harv: Oh. Hi, Glenn
Evil Glenn: April Foo... Wait... how did you know it was me?
Harv: You just called me 30 seconds ago with the same line.
Evil Glenn: Oh... must've hit redial by mistake. Well, since I've got
you on the line, there IS something I wanted to talk to you about…
Evil Glenn: The Blog War is really wearing me down. I want to surrender to the Alliance.
Harv: That's very French of you, but we've been down this road before and you didn't keep up your end of the bargain that time, so I know you can't be trusted. Besides, it's still April Fools' Day and I'm not letting you get me twice.
Evil Glenn: No, no, I assure you. I'm completely serious. No tricks.
Harv: How come you're not surrendering to Frank J.? He's the Fearless Leader of this cabal.
Evil Glenn: I tried, but he's not available. Remember when he posted that "In My World" where Chomps got killed?
Evil Glenn: Well apparently some people didn't appreciate his April
Fools' Day gag. A bunch of his disgruntled fans stormed his house in
protest. He's in the hospital now and the doctors are still trying to
de-rectify the katana sheath.
Harv: Ow! That's gotta be uncomfy!
Evil Glenn: Heh. Indeed. But besides that, it's quite obvious that
you're the REAL driving force in this organization. You've told more
lies than Al Franken, Janeane Garafalo, and Michael Moore combined.
You're like a blogospheric Air America.
Harv [grinning]: Yeah, I'm pretty despicable, ain't I?
Evil Glenn: A man after my own black heart. You're like a son to me.
Evil Glenn: A son of a bitch, but still…
Harv: Hey! Now just a minute!…
Evil Glenn: Another reason I can't hand Instapundit.com over Frank is
that the changeover would be too obvious. I mean, look at IMAO: all
that coffee-up-the-nose hilarity combined with witty insightfulness…
The brain-dead zombies that read my crap would have seizures. Can you
imagine going from "Indeed" to "If there's one thing I learned from history, it's that people from a long time ago were really, really stupid"? Exploding heads everywhere!
Harv: Hmmm… I see your point. And since everyone reads Instapundit, everyone would be dead, leaving me with one less reader.
Evil Glenn: Exactly. But with YOUR talentless hackery at the helm – transparent transition.
Harv: Brilliant!… Wait… Hey!
Evil Glenn: No time to waste. I need to you assume command of my dark kingdom.
Harv: I don't know… I don't think I'm evil enough. I only had ONE year of law school…
Evil Glenn: Feh. The only difference between a law school graduate and
a law school dropout is the number of slutty co-eds they coaxed into
bed with the line "I'm going to be a lawyer."
Evil Glenn: 111. See?
Harv: Ok, so I'm marginally evil… but running an empire?…
Evil Glenn: I have faith in you, Harv. I think if you put your mind to
it, you have the potential to be an Evil Blogospheric Overlord. Let's
try something… Pretend you're the new Instapundit… imagine yourself
sitting on a throne of blackest ice, your filthy talons caressing a
Harv: Mmmm… pure evil…
Evil Glenn: Ok, now, tell me the truth… could you blend a puppy?
Harv: No! That's disgusting!
Evil Glenn: Not even a Yorkie?
Harv: … maybe a small one.
Evil Glenn: Good. Can you murder a hobo?
Harv: … is he French?
Evil Glenn: Well… he smells like it.
Harv: Consider him slitted neck to navel.
Evil Glenn: Worship Satan?
Harv: I DO admire Bill Gates…
Evil Glenn: It's a start. Robot Dancing?
Harv: I did The Hustle once in third grade.
Evil Glenn: Hmmm… maybe you're TOO evil… Anyway, praising commies?
Evil Glenn: Democrats?
Evil Glenn: Hippies?
Harv: Well, I do have a lava lamp…
Evil Glenn: Perfect! Have you ever punched a blogger?
Harv: Kinda. When I was doing The Hustle, I tripped over my own feet
and ended up jamming my elbow into some guy's eye socket, which made
him scream "BLAAAAGH!"
Evil Glenn: Close enough. How do you feel about penguin porn?
Harv: Sorry. Strictly hetero. I mean, have you SEEN my wife?
Evil Glenn: Hmmm… not bad. Put a few feathers on her and…
Harv: Watch it…
Evil Glenn: Come on, there's gotta be something?
Harv: Let's see… penguins eat fish… fish are the symbol for the
astrological sign Pisces… Taurus is an astrological sign… symbolized by
a bull… and I DO know of one bull that's quite attractive…
Evil Glenn: That's a bit of a stretch, but I'll give it to you. So…
there ya go. You're evil enough to be the new Instapundit. Now, just
click on over to my site and I'll give you the keys to the kingdom.
Harv: Oh goody! I can't wait to start to oppressing the blogosphere! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably.
Evil Glenn: Now just type in the password as I give it to you.
Harv: Ah, the POWER!
Evil Glenn: A… P… R… I… L…
Harv: Ok, go on.
Evil Glenn: F… O… O… L
Harv: Ok… I hit enter, but nothing happened.
Evil Glenn: Uh… let me spell that to you again… A… P… R… I… L… F… O… O… L
Harv: Nope, still nothing.
Evil Glenn: You idiot! April Fool!
Harv: You're the idiot! That password doesn't work!
Evil Glenn: You… never mind. Look, you just keep working on it. I'm
gonna go pop a Schnauzer in the Waring. Call me back once you figure it
So as soon as I get this password to work, Instapundit.com will FINALLY
be under Alliance control. I'll let you know as soon as I crack his
I… N… S… T… A… P… U… N… D… O… D… E… L… E… N… D… A… E… S… T… !
posted by Harvey at 8:26:20 PM permalink HOME
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Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:00:48 PM.