Sunday, April 04, 2004
HOW TO BUTCHER A COW
Maybe I should send a link to this Madfish Willie cow-butchering post to PeTA, which says, in part:
When I was growing up, we grew, killed and processed a lot of our meat.
I have butchered cows, pigs and chickens. A cow gets herded into a
squeeze chute with a slanted concrete wall on one side and a metal gate
on the other. The slanted wall has a purpose. Then, they get shot in
the head by a thingy with a powder load that explodes a steel rod into
the cows brain. That sack of dead cow meat then falls like a fucking
rock and the slanted wall make it slide under the chute gate. It'll
knock you on your ass if you're in the way too. Then, hang the cow up
by his back feet, slit its' throat and bleed it out. Then, cut off
feet, cut off head, save brains for tests, slice open belly, pull out
guts, slice off hide, cut in half, hang in the freezer. Simple as pie.
Cleaning up afterward was really fucked up though - nasty business!
mmmm... gotta love the ol' "slit & bleed"... Geez, I need a burger...
By the way, that link the Bartender claims is to MY picture? Not true. I'm usually crammed in up to my short ribs.
posted by Harvey at 10:51:37 PM permalink HOME
FUNNER FACTS ABOUT TERRORISTS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
As noted at Alliance HQ, Frank J of IMAO
published several "Fun Facts About Terrorists" on a recent T-shirt.
Here are some of my contributions in the same vein, which will probably
wind up on a thong or teddy:
Terrorists often shout "Allah Akbar" just before attacking, which is Arabic for "I'm a dumbass"
Terrorists will often be seen wearing curly-toed, green felt shoes with bells, much like Christmas elves, except more explosive.
Terrorists are usually young men of Middle-Eastern descent, but not
always, so as a precaution you should randomly put your hand down
women's pants to check for C4.
Large groups of children make prime targets for terrorists. If you see
a large group of children, scatter them with a stink bomb for their own
The best way to prevent terrorist attacks is by passing strongly worded
legislation. Please support the "Don't Blow People Up Act"
If you see a terrorist carrying a bomb, hit him with a rolled up newspaper and rub his nose in it while saying "No! Bad!"
Some people think that reasoned discourse is the best way to deal with
terrorism. They are either French or stupid. Either way, ignore them.
On the off chance that the French are right, ship all terrorists to France for a good talking to.
When shipping terrorists, be sure to cut air holes in the container before covering the holes over with duct tape.
If the terrorist being shipped starts saying something like "Help! I
can't breathe!", don't be alarmed, because that's actually Arabic for
"I am happy to be going to France for a good talking to."
Not everyone who shouts "Die American Pigs!" is a terrorist. He might
be a commie, a hippy, or Al Franken. Shoot him anyway, just to be safe.
If there is someone on the wing of the airplane trying to wreck the engine, he is probably a gremlin, and not a terrorist. Don't shoot him unless you are William Shatner.
The following people are not actually terrorists: Alec Baldwin, Barbra
Streisand, Michael Moore, and Janeane Garofalo. If you see them, shoot
them anyway, because they're damned annoying.
If you're out of bullets, ship them to France.
Use extra duct tape.
Terrorists can often be found in folk bands shaking a wooden hoop ringed with tiny cymbals.
Wait... that's a tambourinist. Don't shoot him because you might run out of bullets, which you'll need if you see Michael Moore.
Poverty is the root cause of terrorism. If you see a poor person, shoot him.
Jews are often victimized by terrorists. If you see a Jew, shoot anyone standing next to him.
Buy a lot of stock in companies that make bullets.
Don't sell the stock, or you'll wind up in jail and Martha Stewart will make you her bitch.
John Kerry is not a terrorist. Don't shoot him, lest the Democrats replace him with a viable Presidential candidate.
Saddam Hussein is a terrorist, but he's been captured, so don't shoot him.
But if you do shoot at him and "accidentally" miss and hit his French lawyer... Hey, I didn't see ANYTHING.
Yasser Arafat isn't a terrorist. He's a... wait... yes he is. Have at him.
Not all terrorists are bad. Some of them are good.
For target practice.
Terrorists would prefer that John Kerry be elected President. If you
see someone voting for John Kerry... well, they're probably American
citizens and you're probably low on bullets, so just ship them to
France. But go easy on the duct tape.
Unless it's Alec Baldwin
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:33:48 PM permalink HOME
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
If I had never met her, I would have dreamed her into being.
posted by Harvey at 7:18:24 PM permalink HOME
Michael Moore carried around his "lucky bill" for years before someone pointed out to him that it didn't actually say "Fat Dick"
(hat tip to Susie of Practical Penumbra for finding this bill for me)
posted by Harvey at 7:16:41 PM permalink HOME
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:00:50 PM.