Wednesday, April 28, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
Love has many meanings, but the only one that fits is you.
posted by Harvey at 7:08:50 PM permalink HOME
[Who's Your Daddy?]
Presidential Fun Fact (with apologies to Jen):
In 1864, Lincoln modified the Gettysburg Address slightly during a campaign stop in San Francisco.
posted by Harvey at 7:06:27 PM permalink HOME
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Documents discovered in Iraq recently have uncovered the shocking discovery that hundreds the UN's Oil for Food program is rife with corruption.
Who could've guessed?
Ok, everybody, but as more documents are discovered and translated, we
can expect further revelations. I anticipate the following will soon
come to light:
Secret genetic experiments, most of which went horribly wrong.
DNA tests prove Jacques Chirac is Uday's real father.
The "mobile weapons labs" were actually carrying Saddam's secret supply of inflatable sheep. (SFW)
Video tapes proving that Saddam and Osama were secret lovers (Ok, I got that one from the Weekly World News).
Michael Moore's love letters to a camel with a Britney-Spears-shaped birthmark.
Naked pictures of Helen Thomas. (SFW)
Proof that the Iraqi Information Minister, Baghdad Bob, was the ghost-writer for "Bowling for Columbine."
Yellow legal pad covered with the words "Kerry '04" in Saddam's handwriting.
Proof that Russia, China, France and Germany conspired to award the
Miss Universe crown to Miss Iraq, despite the fact that the rules
clearly indicated that she should be disqualified for excessive back
Documents showing that, despite claims to the contary, Bill Clinton clearly knew what the meaning of the word "is" was.
A short e-mail from CNN: "Don't worry, we won't tell anyone."
Saddam's secret plan for acquittal at his upcoming trial:
1) practice golf swing
2) buy gloves 2 sizes too small
3) drive slow
Memo claiming that Saddam never had WMD's. There was merely a
translation error. What he said was that he had "a dreadful social
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 6:35:26 PM permalink HOME
MILLION TIMES FORWARDED E-MAIL
Fun Things To Do When Watching Lord Of The Rings:
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...where the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming, "YOU.....SHALL....NOT..... PASS!"
3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "the Ring."
4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mister Ander- son."
7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
9. Dress up as old ladies and re-enact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.
10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
11. When the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
12. Every time someone kills an
Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes
before you get kicked out of the theatre.
13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
22. As Frodo is standing, hesitating to drop the ring, yell 'Get on with it!'
23. When the armies attack the
massive elephant creatures, start griping loudly about how it's a
blatant rip-off of Star Wars and the battle with the walkers on Endor.
24. Insist you can spot William Wallace in the scene right before the final battle charge.
25. Insist Gandalf is played by
Jean Luc Picard, who has no real magic, just some decent melee skills,
and incredible futuristic knowledge of how everything seems to work.
posted by Harvey at 7:58:33 AM permalink HOME
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:04:24 PM.