| |
|
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
|
|
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
When you are so far away, I only think of the moment when I'll hold you
in my arms... and breathe in your love, exhaling the purity of our
souls combining together.
posted by Harvey at 11:34:33 PM permalink HOME
|
|
TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Although not as successful as the "State Quarter" program, the "State Illegal Drug Dollar" program proved quite popular in California.
posted by Harvey at 11:32:42 PM permalink HOME
|
|
THE 9/11 COMMISSION EXPLAINED
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Although it may resemble a free-for-all of partisan finger-pointing, the
9/11 Commission is actually a well-organized group of partisan
finger-pointers, who are tasked with investigating several specific areas of inquiry.
I quote these topics directly from the 9/11 Commission web site, and include their
preliminary recommendation for each area, which I obtained by pulling it out
of my ass via secret sources:
Al Qaeda and the Organization of the 9-11 Attack:
Recommendation: Pass a law requiring that, when terrorists stop at a titty bar for
their now-traditional last night of debauchery before carrying out
their plans, they be served only cyanide margaritas. These may be, but are
not required to be, 2-for-1 specials.
Intelligence Collection, Analysis, and Management (including oversight and resource allocation):
Recommendation:
The FBI and CIA must work together as a team. No more messing with each
other's letterheads to make them read "Fat Bloated Idiots" or "Childish
Ignoramous Asshats".
International Counterterrorism Policy, including states that harbor or
harbored terrorists, or offer or offered terrorists safe havens:
Recommendation:
The old policy of "give them money & hope they leave us alone" has
failed. Hopefully the new policy of "Nuke first, ask the glowing
wasteland questions later" will have better results.
Terrorist Financing:
Recommendation:
No more "zero down, no payments for 90 days" crap. From now on, all
terrorists are strictly "cash and carry". With all carrying being done
by stuffing their gooey remains in a 5-gallon bucket.
Border Security and Foreign Visitors:
Recommendation:
America no longer has the luxury of allowing suspicious people to cross
its borders with impunity. For maximum surveillance efficiency, all
borders will be continuously manned by bored, gossipy, small-town
housewives known as the Gladys Kravitz Brigade.
Law Enforcement and Intelligence Collection inside the United States:
Recommendation:
So that no detail is missed, all law enforcement and intelligence
information will be retained in a single centralized database.
Cyberdyne Systems expects SkyNet and its army of friendly, helpful
Hunter-Killer cyborgs to be on line before the end of the year.
Commercial Aviation and Transportation Security, including an Investigation into the Circumstances of the Four Hijackings:
Recommendation:
Before any passenger is allowed to board a plane, he will be asked the
foolproof terrorist-revealing question: "If you were a terrorist and I
asked you whether you were a terrorist, would you say "yes"?". If he
answers either "yes" or "no" then he's a terrorist and should be beaten
to a bloody pulp on the spot, since a normal American would respond
"What kind of stupid ass question is that? Get the f*** out of my way
before I miss my flight!"
The Immediate Response to the Attacks at the National, State, and Local levels, including issues of Continuity of Government:
Recommendation:
Nuke the moon... or at least the crescent moons on top of
mosques occupied by gun-wielding terrorists. Lather. Radiate. Repeat.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:20:14 PM permalink HOME
|
|
GET VERTICAL
At long last, Mark of Tempus Fugit has invented a PHP script for displaying Chris Muir's Day By Day cartoon vertically.
Which would be even cooler if I knew what the hell a PHP script was.
[via Mike of Cold Fury]
posted by Harvey at 1:57:31 PM permalink HOME
|
|
|
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:04:20 PM.
|
|
|
MAIN ARCHIVES
CATEGORY ARCHIVES
GRAFFITI CURRENCY
200 WORDS OR LESS
FILTHY LIES
LOVE NOTES
PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR
KING OF THE BLOGS
|
|
