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  Sunday, April 25, 2004


Well, the "e-mail comments" feature never came back on. The thread in the discussion forum consisted of me & a sweet girl who was also getting screwed over. Both posts have been sitting there for almost a week, and not a peep of help from anyone.

Thanks for the support, Radio.

Anyway, I enabled Haloscan comments. It's the one that says "Comments". I kept the Radio comments enabled, just so I could keep all the old comments around for posterity, but I labeled them appropriately. I'm not going to check them anymore, so don't use them unless you don't want me to know what you said, because OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to get an e-mail about it...


I already paid for the upgrade, so very soon Haloscan will be letting me know what you fine folks are saying.

Gratuitous linkage to the person who pops my Haloscan comment cherry.

posted by Harvey at 10:43:32 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



Those times we are temporarily holding each other close are the times I would like to permanently stay.

posted by Harvey at 10:01:00 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday... only 990 more & I can sleep in the bed again... This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday...

posted by Harvey at 9:59:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


If I didn't know better, I'd swear Johnny-Oh wrote this one. I'll give you five. Go get the rest yourself:

Signs You May Be Drinking Too Much

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

posted by Harvey at 12:42:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


No class, no talent, no writing skills and certainly no abilty to pour a drink that's less than 180 proof... if water were alcohol, that is.

It's the Bartender's birthday, and he needs some help cleaning up his dust-farts, so let's see... what to get him...


Here ya go. (safe for work)

And the virtual beer is on the way. Check your shark's tip jar. Happy Birthday, ya crotchety old bastard.

Everybody stop by Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon and give the man a friendly "Fuck you, Bartender!"

posted by Harvey at 12:33:52 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

SUSIE'S BLOGIVERSARY PRESENT (Take 2: now with the right link (4-26-04 6:30am)

For Susie.

If you're not either a woman or a guy who's very secure in his masculinity, don't click that.

Probably don't want to click it at work either.

And DEFINITELY don't download the video (CTRL+F "video sample")

posted by Harvey at 12:19:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Owen of Boots & Sabers is having a discussion on the terms the abortion debate has been cast into in this country. He makes a good argument that the "pro-choice" and "pro-life" labels suck, because their opponents are clearly not as broadly "anti-choice" and "anti-life" as the labels would suggest.

After mulling over a few other terms, like “pro-choiceforwomentohaveanabortion", Owen thinks "pro-abortion" and "anti-abortion" are pretty good, since:

Abortion is a fairly clearly defined act whereby a fetus is removed from the womb for purposes other than being born (I tried to say that as neutrally as possible).  One side of the debate supports abortion being legal and the other side supports making abortion illegal.  One side finds abortion to be an acceptable act and the other side finds abortion to be reprehensible.  Since everything revolves around this question of abortion, it makes the most sense to me to call the two sides “pro-abortion” and “anti-abortion.”

But I think even that misses the mark. Anti-abortion is perfect, but pro-abortion... eh... it makes it sound like those people prefer abortion to birth. I think the real split is between "life begins conception" and "life begins at birth", which are the root of the arguments. In fact, it's not even really about that, since it's fairly obvious that, chemically and genetically, conception is where the new entity is created. Rather, the whole wrangle is about whether society as a whole would be better off if the constitutional protections provided to citizens of America were provided beginning at conception, or beginning at birth, or somewhere in between. Since each option carries with it its own costs and benefits when it comes to legal enforcement, it's something society as a whole has to come to terms with somewhere along the spectrum.

So the most accurate term would be probably be pro- & anti "full legal protection of individual rights beginning at conception", but since that rolls off the tongue like a bucket of porcupines, I'll let you call it whatever you want.

posted by Harvey at 11:55:21 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I promised gratuitous linkage to anyone who could pull my quote out of Tiffany's cookbook survey. Susie got it in one, so let's see what I can do...


First, let's look at her first post:

Well, I now have my own blog......what to do with all this power? Write excrutiatingly bad poetry? Whine about my job? Rant about politics?
Ok, all of the above.

Ok, let's look at her second post...

Hmmm... she pledges her undying love for Frank J. of IMAO. Well, that sucks. She never blogs about how much she loves ME. Sure, I'm married & live 500 miles away, but did that stop Marilyn Monroe from shagging Jack Kennedy on the floor of the Oval Office? HELL NO!

Wait... was that even relevant? Nevermind.

Anyway, #3 has her running around naked... or something about no clothes. I'm a little confused.

#4 - Oh, I just LOVE this phrase: "plunk down $$$$ to be inside". Oh yes, Susie, yes I would.

#5 - The ellipsis poem. Seriously, this poem is so good it made me make the acquaintance of a nice Filipino girl. (4-14 comments, and 4-24)

#6 - A nice "I Love Lucy" allusion.

#7 - The first hint of "I should get a laptop for work". So, Susie, are you still seriously looking for one? Should I hold a fundraiser? Perhaps nudge the geeks in my readership to see if they know where to get a used one for cheap?

#8 - I'm sensing archive problems here, since there's only one entry for the entire month of May. A good one about what her brother learned about Wal-Mart in one of his college courses.

#9 - Ah, there they are, in the June archives. That must've been the switch to MuNu. Oh, look. A link to the Blogspot version of Practical Penumbra. And not a drop of pink to be found anywhere.

#10 - Finally, what Practical Penumbra retrospective would be complete without... SUSIE'S BOOBIES!

Was that gratuitous enough for ya, sweetie? ;-)

posted by Harvey at 4:04:23 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Susie's having a contest to find the best "stupid customer" story. I'm not going to win, because, unlike going to a movie theater, opening a bank account involves at least a smattering of intelligence, as it requires filling out paperwork and (at least occasionally) NOT pissing away every red cent that falls into your lap.

The other reason I won't win is that the BEST stories involve the residents of the local... how shall I put this... institution for the mentally challenged?... and I think the point here is to make fun of people who SHOULD know better, but don't bother. So I can't tell you about the guy whose nickname is "Zip" because of his habit of shouting a sincerely cheerful "zippity-do-dah!" after he successfully completes a banking transaction, because that's just bad form.

Nevertheless, out of my deep and abiding love for Susie, I will toss in an anecdote to show my support for her project.

Probably the stupidest customer I ever had was when I was tellering at the drive-thru. She was a regular who came in every month to withdraw her "I'm lazy" government welfare payment which was electronically direct-deposited to her account. One morning, she drove up around 9am and wanted to make a withdrawl of several hundred dollars. I looked her account up on my computer (in full view of her, I might add), and it had about 2 dollars in it. Not surprising, since our bank normally gets the electronic transfers between 10am & 11am. I informed her that her deposit wasn't in yet. She replied something very much like, "Yes it is! My daughter works at a bank and they always get their direct deposits in by 8 o'clock!".

Why is she stupid? Her daughter doesn't work at OUR bank, so what she says is irrelevant. But the big thing is that I JUST LOOKED AT HER DAMN ACCOUNT INFORMATION AND THE MONEY WASN'T THERE! Why does she think that calling me a liar will make the money suddenly appear?

What I did: I told her to please come inside so that she could discuss the matter with one of our customer service representatives. Which she did. And the CSR told her EXACTLY what I told her. For some reason she chose to believe the SECOND person who told her that she was going to stay broke for another 2 hours.

What I didn't do: Scream "DUMBASS!" into the microphone, storm out to her car, and re-enact a variation of that scene from GoodFellas that takes place after the guy tells Joe Pesci "you're funny".

Maybe some other day I'll tell you about the time one of our "special" customers pooped on the floor of our lobby.

posted by Harvey at 2:41:43 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


For various non-interesting reasons, Beloved Wife sent me a link to These folks are cutting-edge PC thought police. Here's a selected quote that makes me giggle (especially the phrase I underlined):

As this guide shows, American English frequently both reflects and reinforces systems of oppression in U.S. society.

For example, a newspaper report describes a local event: "Over a thousand people attended with their wives and children." How does the statement relate to sexism and ageism? What does the statement communicate about who is a person and who is not?

"Bark, Bark" said the moonbat (I'm sorry, that's probably specieist).

Anyway, clicking around I found out that I'm actually a tolerant and diverse kinda guy. They have this list under the 101 Tools for Tolerance section - Ideas for Yourself, and it looks like I'm way ahead of the game. Check it out:

1. Attend a play, listen to music or go to a dance performance by artists whose race or ethnicity is different from your own.
"Purple haze, all in my brain!" Go, Jimi, go!

2. Volunteer at a local social services organization.
I gave some potato chips to a squirrel, which I believe qualifies as "feeding the homeless"

3. Attend services at a variety of churches, synagogues, mosques and temples to learn about different faiths.
I went to a bar that didn't serve Guinness, which is the alcoholic version of this activity.

4. Visit a local senior citizens center and collect oral histories. Donate large-print reading materials and books on tape. Offer to help with a craft project.
That first part sounds like a euphemism for getting a granny blowjob, so I skipped that (married, ya know). However I did a lot of work on the giant macrame penis that was featured prominently in that Onion story.

5.Shop at ethnic grocery stores and specialty markets. Get to know the owners. Ask about their family histories.
That one didn't work so well. The response was "You're gettin' kinda nosy. I'll bet you're wearin' a wire", whereupon I got the crap kicked out of me. Sheesh. Italians.

6. Participate in a diversity program.
If by "participate" you mean "sleep through", then yes.

7. Ask a person of another cultural heritage to teach you how to perform a traditional dance or cook a traditional meal.
Goldie gave me a yummy cheesecake recipe, which I assume is a traditional Australian dish.

8. Learn sign language.
Hell, you're lookin' at the master. I know how to tell somebody "I can certainly understand how, given your background and education, you could hold that particular opinion, but I must respectfully disagree with your conclusion, as I believe you may have fallen prey to a common logical fallacy in this specific instance" with one finger.

9. Take a conversation course in another language that is spoken in your community.
After 5 years of marriage, I'm practically fluent in "female", although I keep the dictionary handy, just in case.

10. Teach an adult to read.
Oh, all the time. Hardly a day goes by that I don't have to teach someone that the words "Bank Hours: 9am to 5pm" means that the front door will be still be locked at 8:30am regardless of how much you tug on the door handle or stare at your watch.

11. Speak up when you hear slurs. Let people know that bias speech is always unacceptable.
I would like to take this opportunity to point out that the word "slur" as used in this sentence is negatively biased toward musical notes which are played "legato".

12. Imagine what your life might be like if you were a person of another race, gender or sexual orientation. How might "today" have been different?
Let's see... I'm a black lesbian... um... no difference, really. I'd still be licking the alphabet. Beloved Wife wouldn't notice anything, since she's usually blindfolded anyway.

13. Take the How Tolerant are You? A Test of Hidden Bias. Enlist some friends to take this "hidden bias" test with you and discuss the results.
The results show that white people such as myself are oppressing me... Damn me! Damn me all to hell!

14. Take a Civil Rights history vacation. Tour key sites and museums.
Well, I went to the Spam Museum, which is related to the First Amendment right of "Freedom of Meat"... Ok, I didn't actually STOP there, but I do have the brochure.

15. Research your family history. Share information about your heritage in talks with others.
Sweden is cold and Socialist. Grandpa left and came to Wisconsin. Which is also cold and Socialist, but they don't make you draw a line through the letter "o" here, so you save a lot of money on ink.

16. List all the stereotypes you can — positive and negative — about a particular group. Are these stereotypes reflected in your actions?
I'm sorry, could you please rephrase the question so that it DOESN'T make me tilt my head, squint my eyes, and say "Huh?"

17. Think about how you appear to others. List personality traits that are compatible with tolerance (e.g., compassion, curiosity, openness). List those that seem incompatible with tolerance (e.g., jealousy, bossiness, perfectionism).
I read this website without immediately putting the contact e-mail onto a porn-spam mailing list. That's pretty tolerant. On the other hand, I'll probably get around to it after I post this entry.

18. Create a "diversity profile" of your friends, co-workers and acquaintances. Set the goal of expanding it by next year.
Ok, my blog needs more "readers of color". Or fewer white people. Hmmm... Eric, Joey, you're outta here.

19. Sign the Declaration of Tolerance and return it to:
The National Campaign for Tolerance
400 Washington Avenue
Montgomery, AL 36104
Washington? He owned slaves! RACIST!

20. Read a book or watch a movie about another culture.
Is porn a culture?

Anyway, go check out the site. Perhaps you, too, will discover that you're more diverserrific and tolerantastic than you thought.

posted by Harvey at 1:52:13 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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