WILD BLUE YONDER

I was on board an aircraft carrier for 4 years. Although I didn't work with the air crew (I just stood behind them in chow lines all the time), I'm somewhat familiar with the cocky attitude of fighter pilots. Actually, I picked up most of what I know from watching Top Gun and reading "The Right Stuff", but I digress.

The point is that Sparkey posted a list of 31 things about fighter pilots at Sgt. Stryker's Daily Briefing. A few are a little too inside for me, but most of them are just plain old LOL:

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1. Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.

2. It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the pre-eminence of flying in the hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control aviators via threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's life.

3. Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the same old way but hopefully your IP never taught you "pull stick back, plane go up".

4. Mastering the prohibited maneuvers in the dash-1 is one of the best forms of aviation life insurance you can get.

5. A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion above.)

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Well, my stupid software re-numbered them. Those are actually 22-26. Go read the rest anyway.

And I'm dedicating this one to my Blogless Friend Kevin, who has a private pilot's license, and would've made a great fighter pilot.

I'LL DRINK TO THAT

Yes, it's true, Wal-Mart is coming out with it's own line of wines. Gramugus of Frizzen Sparks posts the list of the 12 varieties that will be available:

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12. Chateau Traileur Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

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Ok, it's not true, but I STILL really loved #1.

RURAL-SEX'YAL

I never knew J of Quibbles & Bits was a Southerner (I thought he just played one on TV), but he must be, because he knows how it's done Southern-Style:

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If you've ever had sex on a tractor, y'all might be a Rural-sex'yal.

If the only thing you ever run through your hair is yore fingers, y'all might be a Rural-sex'yal.

If'n yore a man, and you like women, y'all might be a Rural-sex'yal.

If'n yore a woman, and you like men, y'all might be a Rural-sex'yal.

If your bed squeaks every time you're lovin’ on your spouse (you yankees call it havin' sex), y'all might be a Rural-sex'yal.

If you like the squeak, y'all might be a Rural-sex'yal.

If your kids know about the squeak, and laugh every time they hear it, and you laugh, too, y'all are a Rural-sex'yal.

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There's more.

"...Beer cooler by the bed..." Heh.

At some point soon, I'm expecting Trey to do a list on Gay Objectivists entitled "How to tell if you're an Objectomosexual".

"If you've ever thought that Howard Roark & Gail Wynand had a thing going, you might be..."

BEATS WRASSLIN' WITH THAT STUPID ARTIFICIAL TREE EVERY YEAR

Dana of Note-It Posts, who by the way, was chosen as America's #1 pin-up girl because of her pretty smile, and NOT because of her boobies, as some bitter Feminists would have you believe (not that those ain't a mighty fine pair), has a Top Eight list of ways to decorate for Christmas, including:

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8. Instead of investing in one of those light-up wire deer, just go out in the woods and shoot your own. Prop it up with sticks, shine a spotlight on it, and call it good.
7. Argyle sock wreath - braid together all the crappy socks (ties, scarves, etc.) that you've received over the year, wrap a satin bow around it, and slap it on the door.
6. One for the men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan: string spent shell casings together and hang them from the corner of the tent - just like jingle bells!

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#4 & #1 are priceless, but you'll have to go to Dana's place to see them.

And why top 8 instead of top 10? Hell if I know. YOU ask her. I'm afraid.

HQ DOIN'S

First the Filthy Lie Round-Up is available for your viewing pleasure. Bewared of SilverBlue's frightening discovery.

And Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks is rolling along in fine form:

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I was taking my eldest childerbeast to see the jolly red fat man (Santa, not Ted Kennedy during $.25 draft PBR night) when my boy suddenly stopped with a wide eyed stare.

"Daddy... I feel.. cold... death... evil..."

"Well we ARE at the mall during christmas season son... wait I smell... SHIT! go to mom NOW! She's right over there at the aqua-massage machine. Off ya go..." After I made sure my son made it to safety, I turned slowly around, the stench of old puppy ichor overpowering the smell of cinnibon and starbucks.

Then I started laughing so hard I almost pissed myself. There was Glenn, dressed like a giant candycane with a posterboard sign saying "Photos with Santa! Noon to Five!" He attempted to glare at me, then gave out a resigned sigh. This was not the evil internet overlord I knew and despised.

"Yes. Mock me. I have it coming I guess... (sigh)", he said, "If I didn't need the money I'd rip your spine out, but since I'm destitute I cannot."

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Even the Bartender has a frightening image to scar your eyeballs (although I'm still not sure how Glenn makes money doing that)

Now there's a new assignment, based on the suspicion that it was an Instapundit reader comment which 1) caused comments to be turned off and 2) triggered Glenn's slide into a life of evil:

What was that final comment that made Evil Glenn snap?

Time to probe the Google cache to discover the filthy lie truth.

WHERE'S HARV?

Somewhere at this link is a picture of me at Madfish Willie's. See if you can find it.

I MUST REPAY HIS KINDNESS

Kevin of Wizbang is probably one of the nicest guys I know. Although he runs maybe half a million different blogs, including a sports blog and a tech blog, he still somehow manages to find the time to mock my really crappy posts, and to help blend puppies for the Evil Dark Overlord of the Blogosphere.

And now he's done one of the most thoughtful things I've ever seen. He's gone an compiled a list of 19 bloggers I'll never be funnier than. A list I keep alluding to, but never actually took the time to compile. I'm finding this list very helpful. I knew about Don & Frank, and Scrappleface goes without saying,  but some of the others I've never even heard of, and I never would have known about how desperately unfunny they make me look if it wasn't for Kevin's help.

How to repay him.... hmmm....

I'm thinking money.

Thanks for pressing on with the 2003 Blogger Awards, Kevin.

SUPPORTIVE ALL OVER

Ok, ladies, I've got your boobies covered, but now I'd like to give you some help with one of my other favorite areas - your butt.

Since my hands are busy right now, I have to find another method of upliftment, and you have your choice:

Regular or extra-strength.

(via Lynn & Matt, respectively)

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your voice makes me tremble inside

And your smile is an invitation

For my imagination to go wild

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Obviously, the woman who wrote this is still single, because when you ask a woman to name a room in her house where she performs an unpleasant chore and which contains a large, noisy, smelly vibrating machine, the married ones usually answer "bedroom".