TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



"Excusez-moi, Mademoiselle, would you like to see Willy Wonder Wash's 'Wonder Willy'?"

BEST STORY YET

J of Quibbles & Bits, the man who ate Stephen King's brain (or at least his tongue), has posted yet another teasy intro to probably the best story I've ever not paid money to read. I think the first three paragraphs should peak your interest:

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The Last Flight of Time

Gerard looked at the knife in his hand. Blood dripped from the blade, fresh, warm blood. Some of the blood had left red spatters on his white shirt and silk tie as well. Gerard gaped at Walter Jacobs, the patriarch of the Jacobs Enterprise family and father to Emily Jacobs, Gerard’s fiancé. The knife wound in Walter Jacobs’ chest bled with astounding vigor. Had he not been wearing a vest, the blood might have spewed across the conference room. Walter looked at Gerard, surprise and confusion welling behind tears of pain.

“What?” was all Walter had time to ask before he collapsed. Gerard dropped the knife. It bounced and clattered against the leg of the conference table. Gerard’s eyes shifted back and forth, from the knife to the body and back to the knife. It was a big knife, the silvery blade at least a foot long and three inches wide at the widest point, a triangle of death dealing steel.

“Are you two done yet?” The door to the conference swung open and Emily stepped in. Stunning, beautiful Emily, dressed for the Christmas party. How could he explain this to her when he didn’t even know what happened? She stopped, her hand migrating to cover her mouth as she gasped. Her color vanished and she looked at her fathers crumpled body in the spreading scarlet puddle.

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It gets better... and then it stops, leaving the reader thrilled, yet unsatisfied.

Since an unsatisfied Harv is a grumpy Harv, I must vent.

Allow me to direct your attention over here. This is a standard public school green slate chalkboard.

Over here, we have my fingernails, which, sadly have not been clipped recently. *sigh* I SO need a manicure. Oh well...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just warming up, J. Fingernails on a chalkboard never bothered me, personally, but I understand some people find it quite annoying.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can keep this up ALL day...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got that story finished yet?

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's ok, take your time. Mheh.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST WINNER!

After entering something like 257 competitions of various sorts, I FINALLY won something. In this case, it was Wizbang's weekly caption contest.

Here's the picture.

Here's my incredibly brilliant caption... and some other stuff written by lesser beings.

SADDAM CAPTURED

It made headlines the world over when that sewer rat was finally captured. Most of the stories also included a report of the conversation between Saddam and the soldiers:

"He said: 'I'm Saddam Hussein, I'm the president of Iraq and I'm willing to negotiate'," Major Brian Reed, operations officer for the first brigade of the Fourth Infantry Division, told reporters at the site where Saddam was found on Saturday hiding in a hole at a hut. "The response from soldiers was: 'President Bush sends his regards'."

Although the report was essentially accurate, it didn't cover the WHOLE story. Per this week's Alliance assignment, here's the full transcript:

Soldier: All right, Hussein, you can come out now.

Saddam [crawling out of septic tank] About time you guys got here! This place smells like a French whorehouse! Maybe YOU guys are used to that kind of... uh... wait, you're not the French, are you?

Soldier: Nope. Nothing but baseball, hot dogs, apple pie & Chevrolet in this group.

Saddam: Crap! I mean... uh... Thank Allah you've arrived! Saddam Hussein has been holding me hostage here for days. He just left a few minutes ago. If you hurry, you can still catch him!

Soldier: Um, Mr. Hussein... [pointing to American flag shoulder patch] NOT stupid?

Saddam: Crap. Look here, Yankee, I'm still President of Iraq. I have great wealth and power. How's about you just kinda look the other way for a couple minutes while I make a run for it? Just give me your name & address - I'll send you a little something next time I see a post office.

Soldier: Saddam, ol' buddy, don't bullshit a bullshitter. You've got NOTHING. Last week I was taking a dump on the floor of one of your palaces. You're just another lice-infested homeless guy right now. You've got about as much going for you as that bum in L.A. who tried washing my windshield for a quarter.

Saddam: Not true! Not true! See? $750,000 in cash! It's all yours. Just let me go.

Soldier: Not much, considering I'd have to split it 600 ways.

Saddam: You're not alone? Aw, CRAP!

Soldier: Game over, feces face. Let's go.

Saddam: But I'm Saddam Hussein! I'm President of Iraq! I'm willing to negotiate!

Soldier: Ok, fine. Let's negotiate. Here's my offer [cracking Saddam in the head with his rifle butt]. If you want, I can double it....

Saddam [clutching his bleeding scalp]: No, no, that's fine. I'll come quietly.

Soldier: That's better. Well, now that you've surrendered, you'll find that Americans treat their prisoners with dignity and respect. Anything I can get for you?

Saddam: Maybe some coffee?

Soldier: Done. HEY TED! Get me a cuppa joe for the schmo!... Anything else?

Saddam: No, I'm good. Thanks.

Soldier: My pleasure.... Now there's just one more little thing you can do for us...

Saddam: Whatever you want. Here's my notes with the names of the resistance leaders. I'll also be more than happy to personally escort you to all the WMD sites.

Soldier: Well, thanks, Mr. H., that's right neighborly of you... But that's not what I was getting at.

Saddam: Oh?...

Soldier: Yeah, well, ya see, Christmas is coming up fast, and, what with the boys being so far away from home and all, I was thinking you could help bring a little holiday cheer to the 4th ID Christmas party.

Saddam: And how would I do that?

Soldier: Simple, really. All you have to do is... [explains the plan]

Saddam: WHAT? Never! I have rights! I have my dignity! I...

Soldier [raising rifle butt]: Did you want to negotiate some more?

Saddam: All right! All right! I'll do it! Just don't hit me again.

Soldier: Better.

So, during the Special Forces Christmas party, a good time was had by all, thanks to the presence of a very special guest.

HO! HO! HO!

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

AND THE NEW KING OF THE BLOGS IS...

...Tuning Spork of Blather Review, who managed to bribe four of the judges and make the other two disappear under mysterious circumstances.

Stay tuned for Spork's acceptance speech and Dethroned Blog Monarch eTalkinghead's admission of utter incompetency.

Meanwhile, go check out the reviews. Or at least mine, because I'm delightfully amusing, as always. Everyone else is such a drudge.

Except Susie, who made fun of my lame-ass Judge's Challenge question.