TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Look, Matty, I don't mind that you're writing down the nuclear missle launch codes instead of memorizing them, but FOR GOD'S SAKE will you please stop leaving them in the Bartender's tip jar?

BONFIRE, BONFIRE, BURNING BRIGHT, IN THE FOREST OF THE NIGHT

Kevin's set the woods ablaze with yet another stench-fest Bonfire of the Vanities.

Now, I always thought the rules were pretty self-explanatory. Send your worst post in for mockery. But some folks just aren't very clear on the concept of "suck". Like Brian of Resonance, who's trying to get voted Best Flappy Bird in the Blogger Awards. His platform is clear, concise & literate. Not to mention amusing.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

On the bright side, it makes everyone else look even crappier by comparison, so maybe it's a good thing.

Now over here at Phelps, we have something disturbing and creepy. Made all the worse by the strong resemblance it bears to my Blogless Brother Tom.

Now THAT sucks!

MAKING IT BETTER

Ok, I've got the cure for Susie's bad-day-blues.

A little topping.

A little bottoming.

Enjoy, Susie.

SINCE YOU ASKED

homicidalManiak posted a very nice "about me" post and then finished by asking if there was anything else I wanted to know.

Well, hM, since you mentioned boobies earlier, I suppose I AM curious about bra size. Strictly for fantasy-scripting purposes, you understand.

I'll either get slapped or get an answer. Either way, I guess I'll enjoy it.

Cool. Another Champagne Room entry.

ANCIENT SWEDISH SECRET

My grandfather escaped from Sweden in 1883.

He brought with him with some fine traditions including some spiritual beliefs which are among the few that don't conflict with my atheism.

When I tell people I'm an atheist, they always get this funny look on their faces, and usually come back with something like, "You don't believe in ANY sort of God at all? You've gotta be KIDDING! Surely you believe in SOMETHING?"

Wellllll... I *do* believe I'll have another drink...

Which is the basis of Spritism, which I learned from my late grandfather and/or the US Navy.

I'm not sure where the Bartender from Madfish Willie's learned to practice Spritism, but he's pretty accomplished in the art.

He's also got a list of every fellow-practictioner in the blogosphere, which he wittily presents in the form of an expository essay on what Spritism is all about.

So go see the Bartender, learn a little bit about how drinking can help you attain enlightenment, and enjoy one of the best link-fests ever assembled.

While you're over there, please pay attention to who is the MASTER of the Spritist arts.

Go *hic* Navy!

Oh, and if you're wondering why the blogosphere's quintessential imbiber, Matty O'Blackfive isn't listed at the most advanced level instead of me, it's because he long-ago reached enlightenment and transcended to a higher plane of alcohol consumption. Spritists only speak of his legend in whispers, and hope that someday we, ourselves, might attain similar status with enough devotional practice.

MORE ON THE CRAP WEASEL

The Emperor liked my note to Kucinich.

Aw shucks.

But I liked his string of obscenities better. I tell ya, I NEED to hear more stuff like this.

Which is why I'd like to thank Matty O'Blackfive for 2 things:

1) He takes his own well-timed shots at this abomination and

2) In the comments to that post, there is a reasoned response to the Kucinich atrocity, that calmly lays out the reasons why the producer of that video ought to be ashamed of himself. 

I could never stop howling cuss words long enough to write anything like that myself, but if I could, that's what I'd like to be able to say, and it's so well-written that I enjoyed it even as much as the righteously obscene invective that I'm seeing in other places. I highly recommed reading it. Here's a sample paragraph:

*******

Perhaps you don’t understand the concept of service and sacrifice. Perhaps you do understand it, but are so selfish that you resent it in others. Or perhaps you just don’t really give a damn one way or the other. But, what is a certainty is that you enjoy inciting people using the honored dead for your own political gain, and that doesn’t require armchair psychology to judge. Even if you really believe in the merit of your point, somewhere inside of you, you know that what you’ve done and continue to perpetuate, is profoundly wrong. You cannot measure the means that you have chosen against the ends of what you feel is important. If you cannot make your political point elegantly, then so be it, but it is deeply wrong to invoke the silent voices of the dead and try to puppeteer them to your own designs because you lack the moral or intellectual edifice upon which to construct a valid argument. Deeply, overwhelmingly wrong.

*******

Oh, and if the Heather who wrote that (not the Angelweave Heather, who is currently in treatment for an eggnog addiction... or something) has it posted on a blog somewhere, someone please let me know so I can give it direct linkage.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

The Precision Guided Humor Round-up is available for viewing. Graumagus just blew my mind with his entry, but the general level of quality is unusually high this week, so check 'em all.

New assignment:

Write one or several campaign slogans for the Democratic Presidential hopefuls.

I've already got Kucinich's:

"Vote for me because I'm a fucking crap weasel!"

HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW

I love it when people write things that make me go, "huh... How come I never thought of that?"

Via Matt O'Blackfive, Feste of Fool's Blog makes an excellent point on the stupidity of the "there's no plan for post-war Iraq" meme:

*********

*********

Wish I would've written that.

CRAP WEASEL UPDATE

From the comments to this post, Jessica of Miniluv informs me that the asshole who made the Kucinich video has a prior history.

RESOLVED

Now that Kofi Annan has died in a tragic hair-drying accident and I have been elected Secretary General of the UN, I am proposing the following resolutions:

#1625 The French will henceforth bathe with both soap AND water

#1626 All terrorists will wear Where's-Waldo-style stripey shirts for easy identification. You, too, Kucinich, you f'n crap weasel.

#1627 The UN Building will be closed down and re-opened as a Super Wal-Mart. All UN offices and equipment will be relocated to a whorehouse in Brussels

#1628 Upon entering the UN Building, all delegates will bitch-slap the Ambassador from France. After all delegates are seated, the French Ambassador will favor us with his rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot"

#1629 All leaders of nations NOT among the "Coalition of the Willing" will kneel before an American flag every day at 8am to give thanks to whatever deity they may worship that the US hasn't yet nuked their terrorist-coddling asses

#1630 Kim Jong Il WILL stop by Supercuts before the end of the day, or face re-coiffing from the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew

#1631 Misha I will be crowned Emperor by his own hand, and the world's population will take an oath of fealty lest they incur his Wrath O'ClueBat.

#1632 Kyoto = no mo'

#1633 The rainforests jungles of Brazil will be clear-cut and the entire country paved over as a parking lot for the world's largest indoor shopping center - The Mall of the Americas

#1634 Anyone who attempts any terrorist act will be dressed in red buttless leather chaps and turned loose in a San Francisco bath house wearing a "no Vaseline required" T-shirt.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!