THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF MADFISH WILLIE - THE RESCUE
(BASED ON A TRUE STORY)
(A FILTHY LIE)
I was over at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon back on December 19th,
and for the fifth day in a row, the Bartender was mysteriously absent. Dana was
working the bar, so I asked her about it…
Dana: Nope. Haven't seen him since Sunday.
Harv: Odd. Oh well, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or
later. By the way, nice T-shirt. “Irrigate Hillary”. Heh.
Dana: Thanks. Just doing my part to support
Harv: By the way, have you been restocking
Dana: Yeah… how'd you know
Harv: It's just that you're kinda… dotting
the I's on that T-shirt, if you know what I mean…
Dana: *blush* Oh Harv, you're so naughty
After admiring the view for a couple more
seconds, I headed back to the corner, where Matty O'Blackfive & Mike the
Marine were knocking back some Guinness bottles, occasionally pausing to shout
“brilliant!” at each other, and
generally acting like a couple of drunken idiots:
Matty: Look! I've invented the 6-pack. Now I
can drink 6 beers at once!
Mike: Brilliant! And I've invented the
tapper so I can drink this entire keg of Guinness without having to re-fill my
Harv: Say, have either of you guys seen the
Bartender? He's been missing for days.
Matty: What? You've found a way to keep the
Bartender from telling dumb ass Kang A. Roo jokes?
Harv: Would you guys shut up for a minute?
This is serious. I'm starting to get worried, and...
From the TV in the corner came a familiar
Evil Glenn:... so come on down to Blender's,
the evilest bar in the blogosphere. And, as soon as I torture the recipe out of
the Bartender, we'll be featuring the Ultimate Martini as our specialty. That's
Harv: Did you guys hear that? Evil Glenn has
kidnapped the Bartender! We've got to go rescue him!
Matty: I don't know, Harv, we're kinda busy
getting drunk here...
Mike: Yeah, this beer ain't gonna drink
Harv: Take the beer with you. You can drink
it on the way.
Matty: Harv's discovered a way to drink beer
AND rescue the Bartender at the same time!
Harv: Geez you guys are annoying! Mike, go
get the truck warmed up. Matty, you carry the keg. Hmmm... we're gonna need
some muscle. Hey! Heather! Wanna help us rescue the Bartender from the vile
clutches of Evil Glenn?
Heather: Sure! Just let me finish
arm-wrestling the boucer...[SLAM!]... Ok, I'm ready.
Bouncer: Oh, come on! I was just getting
warmed up. One more time...
Heather: Give it up, already! I just beat
you seven times in a row.
Bouncer: Best 8 out of 15?
Heather: I [WHACK!] SAID [BASH!] NO! [SLAM!
Harv: Damn, Heather, I think you broke
his... well,... everything.
Heather: He shouldn't have disrespected my
Harv: You're such a classy dame.
Heather: Ain't I just? Now [cracking
knuckles] let's get rescuin'!
Meanwhile over at Blender's, Evil Glenn had
the Bartender tied up in the Champale Cubicle and was attempting to pry the
Ulltimate Martini Recipe out of him by forcing him to drink tequila shots...
Evil Glenn: You've had 35 shots of Jose
Cuervo. Soon you'll be so drunk you'll tell me recipe for the Ultimate Martini.
Bartender: Uh... sure... in fact, I'm almost
there already. How about another shot? That should do the trick.
Evil Glenn: Soon the customer-seducing power
of the Ultimate Martini Recipe will be in my hands. Then Blender's will become
the most popular bar in the blogosphere and I will double my domination of the
Bartender: Hello? Thirsty kidnapping victim
over here? Make with the drinky-drink already!
Evil Glenn: Yes, of course. Misguided Minioness
Jen! Fetch me another bottle of tequila!
Jen: Bite me, ya puppy-blending freak! I
can't believe how stupid you are! The Ultimate Martini Recipe is posted right
out in the open at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, free for the taking. Why the
hell are you bothering with all the kidnapping & torture?
Evil Glenn: NEVER QUESTION ME! I AM THE DARK
OVERLORD OF THE BLOGOSPHERE AND I SHALL NOT TOLERATE INSUBORDINATION! I don't
pay you to criticize my nefarious schemes, I pay you do my bidding!... and to
strut around in a black leather cat-suit... in which your breasts jiggle most
fetchingly, I might add... NOW GET ME THAT TEQUILA!
Jen: Fine. What-EVER, Mr.-delusions-of-godhood. I'll be right back... [mumbling] stupid penguin-molesting
Evil Glenn: I heard that!
Jen: And I'm pretending to care. Here's your
Evill Glenn: Here ya go Barkeep. Drink...DRINK!
Bartender: I thought you'd never ask [glug,
glug, glug] AHHHHHH! Good stuff!
Evil Glenn: All right... now, tell me, what
is the Ultimate Martini recipe?
Bartender: The recipe is...
Evil Glenn: Yesssss...
Bartender: PISS IN A GLASS AND SHOVE IT UP
YOUR ASS, PUPPY BLENDER! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Evil Glenn: Right! That does it! I'm through
messing around with you! Jen... blow him...
Jen: What? You sick twisted pervert scumbag!
I'm not gonna give this freak a BJ!
Evil Glenn: Would you NOT interrupt? I was
going to say "blow him away". Here's a gun.
Jen: [blushing] Oh. Sorry. Say your prayers,
Barkeep. This is the end of the line for you.
Bartender: You mean I don't get that
Jen: You are SOOOO dead! [cocking the
Suddenly a mighty crash sounded as Heather
kicked the door in with her sexy and muscular leg. Wood shards flew everywhere,
and the doorknob knocked the gun out of Jen's hand.
Harv: Nice kick. A little dainty though.
Heather: Quiet, or your balls are next.
Matty: Hi, Glenn! I've got five friends that
want to talk to you [punching him in the face and knocking him out cold]
Jen: Heather, you bitch! I'm gonna kill the
Bartender and you can't stop me!
Heather: Oh yeah? [launching a flying tackle
and wrestling her to the ground]
Mike: Mmmm.... catfight.
Harv: Shouldn't we be taping this for
the Champagne Room Sunday Night Movie?
Matty: Way ahead of you, Harv [squinting
at the viewfinder of a digital camcorder] Damn! This is HOT!
Mike: Cat suit's ripping! OOH-RAH!
Heather [grabbing Jen's hair and throwing a
series of face punches]: Don't [WHAM!] call [THUD!] me [POW!] bitch! [SMACK!]
Harv: Heather, you might not want to kill
her just yet. She's still got interviews to post, including Dana's.
Heather [letting Jen's unconscious head drop
to the floor]: I suppose you're right. I don't
want to break a nail, and... Matt, what are you doing with that camcorder?
Matty [quickly hiding it behind his back]:
Uh,... just, uh.... documenting Evil Glenn's crimes for posterity. Heh.
Mike: Let's just get the Bartender and get
out of here before more of Glenn's evil henchmen show up.
Heather: Are you ok, Bartender? Are you
hurt? Can you walk?
Bartender: I'm ferfectly pine. I just need
another tot of shequila to clear my head...[slumps to the floor in a drunken
Matty: Heather, just grab him & let's
Heather[tossing the Bartender lightly over
one shoulder] Mike, be a gentleman and open the door for me, please?
Mike looked at the blasted hole where the
door used to be, started to mention the door's absence, thought better of it,
shrugged, and kicked aside a few scraps of wood.
Mike: After you, m'lady
Heather [beaming]: You're so sweet!... Matt! Harv! Get your asses in gear!
Matty [filling his pockets with scotch
bottles]: Right behind ya!
Harv [raiding the cash register]: OOOH! Look!
Harv: Right! Coming!
Later, at Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon,
Matty & I were sitting in a quiet corner discussing the evening’s events:
Harv: I can’t believe how incredibly stupid
& dangerous it was busting into Evil Glenn’s lair like that. Good thing we
had Heather with us.
Matty: No kidding. Remind me never to piss
Harv: Yeah… uh,... speaking of which, do you
have that video handy?
Matty: Heh. Sure do, let’s take a peek, and…
Harv: What’s the matter?Matty: That DVD I burned… it’s missing.
Harv: Missing? What the hell happened to it?
Matty: I don’t know. Maybe it fell out of the camcorder or
Suddenly, from the TV in the corner, a
Evil Glenn: ...and remember, every Sunday at
Blender’s is Champale Cubicle Movie Night! This week featuring the hot
girl-on-girl action of “Blog War Catfight”
A familiar (and extremely hot) vision graced
the screen as Matty & I broke out in simultaneous cold sweats.
Harv: Maybe Heather won’t notice…
Heather: What the f*** is THAT? You guys are
SO f****** dead!
Matty: Race ya to Mexico…
Harv: Si, amigo.
Fortunately, while cowering in Tijuana, we
were able to lay hands on a 500-pound crate of Orville Reddenbacher’s Movie
Theater Popcorn, and had it FedEx’d to Heather, who accepted the gift of her
favorite junk food, and quickly forgave us our trespasses as she lapsed into a
But I swear on the Bartender’s tip jar, that
bastard Evil Glenn is going to pay for what he did.
The. War. Goes. On.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 10:33:02 PM permalink HOME