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"The frightening power of Harvey's filthy lies makes me tremble like a Frenchman. I frequently wet myself in terror and... Oops... damn." - Glenn Reynolds

"Tact is a stranger to you. I like that." - Chris Muir - Day By Day

"The man is a FREAK and a WEIRDO!" - Vigilance Matters

"The nicest thing about having Harvey around is that he makes the raincoat flashers look suave." - Rocket Jones

"...a very, very sick person." - She Who Will Be Obeyed

"pervert of renown extraordinare" - Practical Penumbra

"He's a really nice guy even if he is a little bit weird and creepy sometimes." - Reflections in d minor

"Curmudgeonly Old Coot" - BigStick.US

"Mr. Bad Example" - Straight White Guy

"Shpxurnq!!1!" - The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon

"infamous den of rum, buggery, the lash, and pirate pickup lines" - ErosBlog




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  Monday, December 29, 2003



You want to know how great my love is?
Count the waves.

posted by Harvey at 11:55:05 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Frank J. signs up yet another annoying, pop-up-ad-and-spam-delivering sponsor. A week later, as they filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection, they discovered why the "Create a Blogad for IMAO" page is the #1 Google hit for the search: "kiss of death".

posted by Harvey at 11:53:44 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I was over at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon back on December 19th, and for the fifth day in a row, the Bartender was mysteriously absent. Dana was working the bar, so I asked her about it…

Dana: Nope. Haven't seen him since Sunday.

Harv: Odd. Oh well, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later. By the way, nice T-shirt. “Irrigate Hillary”. Heh.

Dana: Thanks. Just doing my part to support the troops.

Harv: By the way, have you been restocking the cooler?

Dana: Yeah… how'd you know
Harv: It's just that you're kinda… dotting the I's on that T-shirt, if you know what I mean…

Dana: *blush* Oh Harv, you're so naughty *giggle*

After admiring the view for a couple more seconds, I headed back to the corner, where Matty O'Blackfive & Mike the Marine were knocking back some Guinness bottles, occasionally pausing to shout “
brilliant!” at each other, and generally acting like a couple of drunken idiots:

Matty: Look! I've invented the 6-pack. Now I can drink 6 beers at once!

Mike: Brilliant! And I've invented the tapper so I can drink this entire keg of Guinness without having to re-fill my glass!

Matty: Brilliant!

Harv: Say, have either of you guys seen the Bartender? He's been missing for days.

Matty: What? You've found a way to keep the Bartender from telling dumb ass Kang A. Roo jokes?

Mike: Brilliant!

Harv: Would you guys shut up for a minute? This is serious. I'm starting to get worried, and...

From the TV in the corner came a familiar voice...

Evil Glenn:... so come on down to Blender's, the evilest bar in the blogosphere. And, as soon as I torture the recipe out of the Bartender, we'll be featuring the Ultimate Martini as our specialty. That's BLENDER'S!

Harv: Did you guys hear that? Evil Glenn has kidnapped the Bartender! We've got to go rescue him!

Matty: I don't know, Harv, we're kinda busy getting drunk here...

Mike: Yeah, this beer ain't gonna drink itself.

Harv: Take the beer with you. You can drink it on the way.

Matty: Harv's discovered a way to drink beer AND rescue the Bartender at the same time!

Mike: Brilliant!

Harv: Geez you guys are annoying! Mike, go get the truck warmed up. Matty, you carry the keg. Hmmm... we're gonna need some muscle. Hey! Heather! Wanna help us rescue the Bartender from the vile clutches of Evil Glenn?

Heather: Sure! Just let me finish arm-wrestling the boucer...[SLAM!]... Ok, I'm ready.

Bouncer: Oh, come on! I was just getting warmed up. One more time...

Heather: Give it up, already! I just beat you seven times in a row.

Bouncer: Best 8 out of 15?

Heather: I [WHACK!] SAID [BASH!] NO! [SLAM! *CRACK!*]

Harv: Damn, Heather, I think you broke his... well,... everything.

Heather: He shouldn't have disrespected my dainty femininity.

Harv: You're such a classy dame.

Heather: Ain't I just? Now [cracking knuckles] let's get rescuin'!

Meanwhile over at Blender's, Evil Glenn had the Bartender tied up in the Champale Cubicle and was attempting to pry the Ulltimate Martini Recipe out of him by forcing him to drink tequila shots...

Evil Glenn: You've had 35 shots of Jose Cuervo. Soon you'll be so drunk you'll tell me recipe for the Ultimate Martini. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Bartender: Uh... sure... in fact, I'm almost there already. How about another shot? That should do the trick.

Evil Glenn: Soon the customer-seducing power of the Ultimate Martini Recipe will be in my hands. Then Blender's will become the most popular bar in the blogosphere and I will double my domination of the Ecosystem! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Bartender: Hello? Thirsty kidnapping victim over here? Make with the drinky-drink already!

Evil Glenn: Yes, of course. Misguided Minioness Jen! Fetch me another bottle of tequila!

Jen: Bite me, ya puppy-blending freak! I can't believe how stupid you are! The Ultimate Martini Recipe is posted right out in the open at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, free for the taking. Why the hell are you bothering with all the kidnapping & torture?

Evil Glenn: NEVER QUESTION ME! I AM THE DARK OVERLORD OF THE BLOGOSPHERE AND I SHALL NOT TOLERATE INSUBORDINATION! I don't pay you to criticize my nefarious schemes, I pay you do my bidding!... and to strut around in a black leather cat-suit... in which your breasts jiggle most fetchingly, I might add... NOW GET ME THAT TEQUILA!

Jen: Fine. What-EVER, Mr.-delusions-of-godhood. I'll be right back... [mumbling] stupid penguin-molesting assmunch...

Evil Glenn: I heard that!

Jen: And I'm pretending to care. Here's your stinkin' booze.

Evill Glenn: Here ya go Barkeep. Drink...DRINK!

Bartender: I thought you'd never ask [glug, glug, glug] AHHHHHH! Good stuff!

Evil Glenn: All right... now, tell me, what is the Ultimate Martini recipe?

Bartender: The recipe is...

Evil Glenn: Yesssss...


Evil Glenn: Right! That does it! I'm through messing around with you! Jen... blow him...

Jen: What? You sick twisted pervert scumbag! I'm not gonna give this freak a BJ!

Evil Glenn: Would you NOT interrupt? I was going to say "blow him away". Here's a gun.

Jen: [blushing] Oh. Sorry. Say your prayers, Barkeep. This is the end of the line for you.

Bartender: You mean I don't get that blowjob?

Jen: You are SOOOO dead! [cocking the pistol]

Suddenly a mighty crash sounded as Heather kicked the door in with her sexy and muscular leg. Wood shards flew everywhere, and the doorknob knocked the gun out of Jen's hand.

Harv: Nice kick. A little dainty though.

Heather: Quiet, or your balls are next.

Matty: Hi, Glenn! I've got five friends that want to talk to you [punching him in the face and knocking him out cold]

Jen: Heather, you bitch! I'm gonna kill the Bartender and you can't stop me!

Heather: Oh yeah? [launching a flying tackle and wrestling her to the ground]

Mike: Mmmm.... catfight.

Harv: Shouldn't we be taping this for the Champagne Room Sunday Night Movie?

Matty: Way ahead of you, Harv [squinting at the viewfinder of a digital camcorder] Damn! This is HOT!

Mike: Cat suit's ripping! OOH-RAH!

Heather [grabbing Jen's hair and throwing a series of face punches]: Don't [WHAM!] call [THUD!] me [POW!] bitch! [SMACK!]

Harv: Heather, you might not want to kill her just yet. She's still got interviews to post, including Dana's.

Heather [letting Jen's unconscious head drop to the floor]: I suppose you're right. I don't want to break a nail, and... Matt, what are you doing with that camcorder?

Matty [quickly hiding it behind his back]: Uh,... just, uh.... documenting Evil Glenn's crimes for posterity. Heh.

Mike: Let's just get the Bartender and get out of here before more of Glenn's evil henchmen show up.

Heather: Are you ok, Bartender? Are you hurt? Can you walk?

Bartender: I'm ferfectly pine. I just need another tot of shequila to clear my head...[slumps to the floor in a drunken heap]

Matty: Heather, just grab him & let's go.

Heather[tossing the Bartender lightly over one shoulder] Mike, be a gentleman and open the door for me, please?

Mike looked at the blasted hole where the door used to be, started to mention the door's absence, thought better of it, shrugged, and kicked aside a few scraps of wood.

Mike: After you, m'lady

Heather [beaming]: You're so sweet!... Matt! Harv! Get your asses in gear!

Matty [filling his pockets with scotch bottles]: Right behind ya!

Harv [raiding the cash register]: OOOH! Look! Graffiti currency!

Heather: Harv!

Harv: Right! Coming!

Later, at Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon, Matty & I were sitting in a quiet corner discussing the evening’s events:

Harv: I can’t believe how incredibly stupid & dangerous it was busting into Evil Glenn’s lair like that. Good thing we had Heather with us.

Matty: No kidding. Remind me never to piss her off.

Harv: Yeah… uh,... speaking of which, do you have that video handy?

Matty: Heh. Sure do, let’s take a peek, and… oh… crap…

Harv: What’s the matter?

Matty: That DVD I burned… it’s missing.

Harv: Missing? What the hell happened to it?

Matty: I don’t know. Maybe it fell out of the camcorder or something.

Suddenly, from the TV in the corner, a familiar voice:

Evil Glenn: ...and remember, every Sunday at Blender’s is Champale Cubicle Movie Night! This week featuring the hot girl-on-girl action of “Blog War Catfight”

A familiar (and extremely hot) vision graced the screen as Matty & I broke out in simultaneous cold sweats.

Harv: Maybe Heather won’t notice…

Heather: What the f*** is THAT? You guys are SO f****** dead!

Matty: Race ya to Mexico…

Harv: Si, amigo.

Fortunately, while cowering in Tijuana, we were able to lay hands on a 500-pound crate of Orville Reddenbacher’s Movie Theater Popcorn, and had it FedEx’d to Heather, who accepted the gift of her favorite junk food, and quickly forgave us our trespasses as she lapsed into a carb-coma.

But I swear on the Bartender’s tip jar, that bastard Evil Glenn is going to pay for what he did.

The. War. Goes. On.


posted by Harvey at 10:33:02 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I wish everybody's blog-buddies were as cool as mine. They have ALL voted EVERY week since the blog-buddy program started.


Here are some more reasons why they're so cool:

First, I just noticed that Susie has re-pinkified her blog. Even the pretty Alliance birdy is now the same color as Susie's cheeks after I finish talking dirty to her. Second, even though she's dying of some miserable disease or another, she still has the energy to threaten mutiny against Alliance Fearless Leader Frank J. if he doesn't start voting in the showcase. Beware the Ides of March, Frank.

America's Favorite Drunken Irish Paratrooper, Matty O'Blackfive, announces oh-so-casually that he'll soon be packing another parachute on those family vacations behind enemy lines. Go buy the proud-poppa-to-be-again a beer. Or maybe a condom.

Kevin of Eckernet has returned to blogging in fine fashion, with a big fat dose of Christian holiday greeting oppression.(Dec 28, CTRL+F "belated" - Kevin, what did I tell you about those permalinks?) Make sure to click the link to "Five Levels of a Hangover". I'll give you #4, but you have to get the rest on your own:

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

The Geekster of physicsgeek posts a linky-love round-up. Normally I'd link to something original, but he actually posted the picture of the Howard Dean parody magazine cover, so it's worth the trip to Geekville for that alone. Dana, please don't click the link until I'm out of strangling range.

posted by Harvey at 9:41:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


<a href="">Flying Chair</a> (159 links) - 3797 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Anti-Idiotarian Rotweiler</a> (509 links) - 2268 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love</a> (235 links) - 800 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">annika's journal &amp; poetry</a> (136 links) - 260 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">the evangelical outpost</a> (190 links) - 258 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Say Anything</a> (68 links) - 180 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Being American in T.O.</a> (93 links) - 173 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Pardon My English</a> (92 links) - 150 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Practical Penumbra</a> (214 links) - 141 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">DAN K OLEARY DOT COM BLOG</a> (108 links) - 135 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Ramblings of Silver Blue</a> (155 links) - 129 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">The Alliance</a> (162 links) - 126 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Bad Money</a> (149 links) - 119 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Absinthe &amp; Cookies</a> (201 links) - 115 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">From the Halls to the Shores</a> (75 links) - 111 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate of the masses</a> (58 links) - 100 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Colorado Conservative</a> (67 links) - 97 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Simon World</a> (82 links) - 87 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">VRWC, Inc.</a> (96 links) - 85 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">angelweave</a> (131 links) - 81 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">An Englishman's Castle</a> (65 links) - 79 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">physics geek</a> (82 links) - 74 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Civilization Calls</a> (64 links) - 63 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">BLATHER REVIEW</a> (91 links) - 44 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">The S-Train Canvass</a> (72 links) - 43 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Wince and Nod</a> (89 links) - 39 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">The Owner's Manual</a> (49 links) - 39 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Semi-Intelligent Thoughts</a> (65 links) - 35 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Homicidal Maniak</a> (68 links) - 34 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">The Common Virtue</a> (49 links) - 33 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">CandyUniverse</a> (90 links) - 31 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href=""></a> (64 links) - 30 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">The Gleeful Extremist</a> (60 links) - 29 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Self-composed</a> (64 links) - 28 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">BigStick</a> (71 links) - 27 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Left Coast Conservative</a> (131 links) - 25 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">curi's domain</a> (62 links) - 24 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Not Quite Tea and Crumpets</a> (73 links) - 23 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Grim's Hall</a> (63 links) - 22 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Elegance Against Ignorance</a> (78 links) - 17 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Ninjababe's Ramble</a> (66 links) - 13 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Newmanisms</a> (60 links) - 11 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Cannon's Canon</a> (59 links) - 11 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Hoppings of Roxette Bunny</a> (62 links) - 10 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Leah Guildenstern</a> (51 links) - 8 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Political commentary, analysis and opinion:</a> (133 links) - 0 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Interested-Participant</a> (109 links) - visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href=""></a> (61 links) - visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">Ripe Bananas</a> (58 links) - visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br> <a href="">The New American Revolutionist</a> (57 links) - visits/day <font color="red">V</font></p>
posted by Harvey at 9:02:58 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Flying Chair (159 links) - 3797 visits/day V
Anti-Idiotarian Rotweiler (509 links) - 2268 visits/day V
Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love (235 links) - 800 visits/day V
annika's journal & poetry (136 links) - 260 visits/day V
the evangelical outpost (190 links) - 258 visits/day V
Say Anything (68 links) - 180 visits/day V
Being American in T.O. (93 links) - 173 visits/day V
Pardon My English (92 links) - 150 visits/day V
Practical Penumbra (214 links) - 141 visits/day V
DAN K OLEARY DOT COM BLOG (108 links) - 135 visits/day V
Ramblings of Silver Blue (155 links) - 129 visits/day V
The Alliance (162 links) - 126 visits/day V
Bad Money (149 links) - 119 visits/day V
Absinthe & Cookies (201 links) - 115 visits/day V
From the Halls to the Shores (75 links) - 111 visits/day V
dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate of the masses (58 links) - 100 visits/day V
Colorado Conservative (67 links) - 97 visits/day V
Simon World (82 links) - 87 visits/day V
VRWC, Inc. (96 links) - 85 visits/day V
angelweave (131 links) - 81 visits/day V
An Englishman's Castle (65 links) - 79 visits/day V
physics geek (82 links) - 74 visits/day V
Civilization Calls (64 links) - 63 visits/day V
BLATHER REVIEW (91 links) - 44 visits/day V
The S-Train Canvass (72 links) - 43 visits/day V
Wince and Nod (89 links) - 39 visits/day V
The Owner's Manual (49 links) - 39 visits/day V
Semi-Intelligent Thoughts (65 links) - 35 visits/day V
Homicidal Maniak (68 links) - 34 visits/day V
The Common Virtue (49 links) - 33 visits/day V
CandyUniverse (90 links) - 31 visits/day V (64 links) - 30 visits/day V
The Gleeful Extremist (60 links) - 29 visits/day V
Self-composed (64 links) - 28 visits/day V
BigStick (71 links) - 27 visits/day V
Left Coast Conservative (131 links) - 25 visits/day V
curi's domain (62 links) - 24 visits/day V
Not Quite Tea and Crumpets (73 links) - 23 visits/day V
Grim's Hall (63 links) - 22 visits/day V
Elegance Against Ignorance (78 links) - 17 visits/day V
Ninjababe's Ramble (66 links) - 13 visits/day V
Newmanisms (60 links) - 11 visits/day V
Cannon's Canon (59 links) - 11 visits/day V
Hoppings of Roxette Bunny (62 links) - 10 visits/day V
Leah Guildenstern (51 links) - 8 visits/day V
Political commentary, analysis and opinion: (133 links) - 0 visits/day V
Interested-Participant (109 links) - visits/day V (61 links) - visits/day V
Ripe Bananas (58 links) - visits/day V
The New American Revolutionist (57 links) - visits/day V

posted by Harvey at 9:01:48 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I've seen some discussion here and there lamenting the way the Bear's New Blog Showcase has evolved since the introduction of the sponsorship prize for the organization of bloggers producing the highest participation percentage. The main complaint seems to be that a lot of bloggers just post whatever vote that their group leaders suggest, and don't even bother reading all the entries.

Now, I have to admit that the charge is probably true. Some bloggers do vote in blind lock-step. But the question is whether this is a good or bad thing, given that the purpose of the Showcase is to give increased visibility to new bloggers who are currently mired in the obscurity of microbe-dom.

My answer is a qualified "yes" on the "good thing" side.

Before the Sponsorship Challenge, the Showcase winner usually got around 10 votes or so. More recently, the number is about 40. There's no question that showcase winners are getting more links. The question is whether this leads to more site traffic and more readers, which tends to be what most bloggers are seeking.

That part is more of a maybe. If we assume that those 30 extra votes are all just copy and paste, then probably no. But judging from the vote posts I've seen, which usually include some sort of commentary on the entry in question, I'd have to think that at least some of those votes were posted by people who actually read the entries. I don't actually have numbers to prove that assertion, but I'm inclined to believe that new bloggers still get more traffic now that sponsorship is on the line.

But I will grant that the scenario is not ideal. Not all votes translate into readership. A blind vote does nothing to increase traffic, and there's a certain sense of unfairness and/or wrongness in that. I personally would prefer that all votes be made on the basis of merit, rather than partisanship or ideology. So maybe, in a sense, winning the showcase doesn't say as much about the quality of the entry as it used to. I will admit that much.

ut still, even a blind vote is a bit of free advertising for the blogger. Even if the link isn't clicked, just getting your blog's name out there so that it's more familiar helps to increase the chances that a future link will be clicked, if for no other reason than a reader saying to himself, "I keep seeing this blog's name. I wonder what all the fuss is about?". My philosophy is that there's no such thing as a bad link. All exposure is at least marginally good.

In sum, although the New Blog Showcase isn't as good as it's possible to imagine it being, it's still better off with the Sponsorship prize than without it, because more people are aware of the Showcase, even if they're not all participating in an ideal fashion. Although links and traffic are two important benefits, name recognition, while often overlooked, is a very important third, and the Showcase still provides that.

posted by Harvey at 12:07:14 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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