(A FILTHY LIE)
I looked at the intelligence reports again. The Alliance was doomed. There could be no doubt about it. Evil Glenn's secret project would eventually destroy all of humanity, the Alliance included.
I'm not a violent man, but half-measures would be of no use in this battle. I armed myself and headed for Tennessee...
2am - Glenn Reynold's house -
The basement lights were on, alternately brightening and dimming in time to the waxing and waning of a loud electric hum.
"Maybe," I thought to myself "I could just cut the power lines. It would buy us enough time to..."
"IT WORKS! IT WORKS!" I heard Evil Glenn shouting maniacally from inside the house.
Crap. Out of time. I had to finish this. Had to get inside the house NOW!
Crap! Door's locked!
"No problem," I muttered, as I drew my Elmer Fudd Memorial Double-Barrel Breech Loading Pump Action Shotgun from under my black leather trenchcoat. "I've got a key"
Doorknob parts and wooden shards sprayed in all directions from the double-blast. I kicked the remains of the door in and charged into the basement, where I shoved the still-smoking barrels pointedly into the small of Glenn's back.
Harv: I've got you now.
Evil Glenn: Ehhhhhh, (munch, munch) What's up, doc?
Harv: DIE, PUPPY BLENDER!
Evil Glenn: Problems?
Harv: Heh. Forgot to re-load... uh,... so... how's everything with you?
Evil Glenn: Pretty good. Carrot?
Harv: No thanks. That's not food, that's what food eats.
Evil Glenn: Suit yourself [tossing carrot stump over his shoulder]. I've been working on this secret project for months, and it's finally finished. You're just in time for the unveiling. Your sorry little Alliance is finished, and I will soon conquer the entire world. MUAHAHAHAHA!
Harv: I already know all about your evil creation. Alliance spies have been watching your house day and night. Our best minds are already preparing counter-measures. Your army of giant robot blenders will never succeed in frappéing America's puppies and hobos!
Evil Glenn: Giant... robot... what the hell are you talking about?
Harv: Don't play dumb with me! Even the New York Times knows about your foul scheme. Here... read this headline.
Evil Glenn: "Robo-Blenders - Key To A Better, Puppyless, Hoboless American Future?"
Evil Glenn: Dumbass. Read the byline.
Harv: "by Jayson Blair"... aw CRAP!
Evil Glenn: Eh. Don't worry about it. Anyway, like I was saying, I've got this cool secret project, and...
Harv: You mean you're not going to destroy America with advanced blending technology?
Evil Glenn: Nope.
Harv: But you said that the Alliance was finished.
Evil Glenn: Nah. That was just a little diabolical evil genius bluster to get your goat. I'm actually working on more of a... personal project...
Harv: Show me.
Evil Glenn: Well, you know about my little... preference... for females of the avian persuasion, right?
Evil Glenn: And you know how much I hate Hillary Clinton and would give anything to see her humiliated and degraded, right?
Harv: ...uh huh...
Evil Glenn: And you know how I can't get laid, right?
Harv: yeahhhh... wait. I thought I got you hooked up with Fatty Sue?
Evil Glenn: We broke up. I couldn't afford the cheeseburger bill.
Harv: Ok, fine. So where are you going with this?
Evil Glenn: I've finally solved all three of my problems. Behold! Evil Glenn's Super Dreamy Electric Love Doll!
Harv: oh.... dear... GOD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Evil Glenn: Wanna take her for a spin? Let me clean her out & lube her up for you...
Harv: AAAAAHHHHH!!!! [fleeing up the stairs in horror] Stay away from me you sick, twisted, degenerate bastard! AAAAHHHHH!!!
Evil Glenn [yelling after my retreating form] Lawyer!.... Ah well. To each his own. Now... where were we, my sweet Hillurkey?... Oh, baaaaaby!
Ok, so Alliance Intel was slightly misinformed about the nature of Glenn's sinister project. But the revolting terror of that sight will nevertheless haunt me forever. Evil Glenn must be stopped!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
(apologies and/or hat tip to Little Tiny Lies for the original pic)
posted by Harvey at 6:57:03 PM permalink HOME